Non-Christians, Baby Christians, Discipleship and Moderation

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Alfonso Wyatt, baby Christians, balance, Bible, Biblical standards, black males, Christian church, Christian walk, Christian-speak, Christianity, church, church division, coldhearted, compassion, conscience, conversion, culture, David Banks, disciples, discipline, fellowship, Gospel, grace, great commission, Greater Allen A.M.E. Cathedral, hateful, hell, higher standard, hypocrisy, judgmental, Love, mentoring, Michael Landon, moderation, motivation, new believers, non-Christians, objections, parable of the sower, permissive, post-Christian era, role models, sarcastic, shaming, sin, society, success, teach, teens, television, the Lord, truth, uncomfortable, unfriendly, United States, unloving

I attend two churches, one that tilts a bit to the right and one that tilts a bit to the left.  It took me a year to figure out that when one of them moves their worship service up an hour for the summer and the other one leaves it where it is, I can attend both services on the same Sunday for a few months.  The churches are only a five minute drive from each other.

And so when I thought of a scripture verse and a possible blog post to go with it, and then that general theme (if not the verse) was mentioned at some point during both services that Sunday, I took that as spiritual landing lights to move ahead with it.  So here goes.

I am concerned about the divisions in the body of Christ, the Church.  I am concerned about deep divisions in the United States of America.  Because this country was founded upon Judeo-Christian based values and ideals, augmented by commentaries of some of the best and brightest minds over the centuries, I believe that the two are connected.  I acknowledge that the U.S. has had mixed results in implementing those ideals.  Yet until now, they have been an inspiration for millions and to millions to do better, to want something better, to believe in something better.

Like the tangle of cords beneath my computer desk, it matters little how the mess began.  It might seem like a fruitful exercise to ponder whether a declining America led to a declining Christian church or did a declining Christian church lead to a declining America.  But at this point it would more likely lead to one more thing to disagree about, one more fine mess to get into.  Right now the priority is to get things untangled.

Since the topic was spiritually inspired for me, I will start from that side of it.  What I am seeing is that how the two poles of the Church get things wrong are mirror images of each other.

Let’s look at the Scripture passage that triggered this blog post: Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen. – Matthew 28:19-20

Now I pledged at the inception of my blog to use the KJV as my source for all Bible quotes.  But the KJV is often not the version used when I am in church or a Bible study or hearing a Christian teaching.  So certain popular verses will come to mind in an alternate translation.  And the more modern translations are consistent in rendering “teach” as “make disciples of”.  The KJV emphasizes the action to be taken.  The newer translations emphasize the desired result: for people of every nation to not only receive the Gospel message, but for it to have an eternal life changing effect on at least some people from every nation and for that change to have a practical manifestation on their lives here on earth.

It was “make disciples of” that resonated with me on Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church.  But how do you make disciples without teaching?  And how do you teach without first witnessing and getting a positive response?  And how do you get a positive response if non-Christians will not even listen to or read your message; if they stop their ears and kick you out from their presence or shame you into silence?

It wasn’t always this way during my lifetime.  I like to watch old television shows.  They are familiar, I find them more entertaining and they provide perspective.  Lately I’ve been watching old quiz and game shows like “What’s My Line?” and “Password”.  Previously I had been watching “Bonanza”, a show that mixed drama, adventure, comedy and some moralizing.

It is not the purpose of this blog post to postulate how we got from there to here in attitude.  But the difference can be startling, even to someone who lived through the gradual change.  It was taken for granted then that Christianity would be a major component of American life on these programs and it was respected.  Jewish game show panelists had no problem wishing people a Merry Christmas.  Every Friday, Allen Ludden would urge the audience members to attend worship services that weekend and show gratitude for their blessings.  Jewish actor Michael Landon not only portrayed a church-going Joe Cartwright on Bonanza, he made Christianity a major theme on “Little House on the Prairie”, and the focus of “Highway to Heaven” was clearly spiritual and Christian.  (Landon’s character is given a Gentile name, and in the very first episode alludes to Christ’s teaching to turn the other cheek, something with no direct equivalent in the Tanakh.)   Even clearer in its focus on Christianity was the Michael Landon created and produced show “Father Murphy”. While these shows continued for nearly twenty years after the end of “Bonanza” and were bucking the secularization trend in Hollywood, they were highly successful and point back to the way things had been.

There is nothing wrong with Christians wishing for a return to the respectful way that Christianity was treated two generations ago and earlier.  However, the way that many Christians try to bring this about can be counterproductive.

One of the biggest errors that some Christians (usually the more conservative ones) make is expecting non-Christians to live by Biblical standards.  If a person doesn’t acknowledge the Bible as authoritative, why would they follow its rules?  That’s like expecting me as an American citizen to live by the constitution of Russia, Saudi Arabia, Israel or Japan.  A similar problem is expecting non-Christians to automatically understand Christian-speak.  That might have been fairly likely over 50 years ago when the U.S. was steeped in Christian culture and even the biggest reprobate knew what they were straying from.  It’s no longer true and wishing it won’t make it so.

What are some of the biggest objections that non-Christians have to Christians and Christianity?  I was hoping for a poll, but I didn’t find one.  So I had to glean it from online articles: some written by non-Christians and some by Christians taking a hard look at themselves and their fellow believers.  Here are ones that made the list:

• Judgmental
• Hypocrites
• Unfriendly
• Shaming and sarcastic
• Unloving
• Hateful

Now if this was merely due to people living sinful, corrupt, wicked lives feeling uncomfortable, I would praise the Lord for that.  That isn’t because of what the Christians are doing.  That’s their own consciences convicting them of wrongdoing.  Comfortable people have little to no reason to change their ways.  It is only when they become uncomfortable and can find no peace that they are motivated to better themselves.

I also know that non-Christians do their fair share of hypocrisy, judging, shaming, mocking, turning away from and hating Christians.  So this is a two-way street.

But I think back to a Hebrew National commercials from years ago.  It was based on all the things that the U.S. Department of Agriculture (portrayed by Uncle Sam) allowed in hot dogs that they would not put in theirs because they were held to a higher standard by God. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAXvEFqLdm8

Any group that claims to follow God automatically puts themselves in a position of being held to a higher standard by both God and man.  So I don’t mind when non-Christians hold Christians to a higher standard, unless there is some violence or tangible loss connected with it.

It is true that some people are more motivated by the carrot and some are more motivated by the stick.  There are many Christians who only use the carrot and won’t talk about sin and hell at all.  There are many Christians who only use the stick and think they can shame or force non-Christians into conversion and heaven.  Sadly there are Christians who think they are showing love when they are using the stick far too often.  And there are Christians who think they are being compassionate when they are actually hurting others with that compassion.  So it is a complicated topic.

I heard someone’s testimony today.  He found Jesus Christ while in prison.  Upon release he returned home and went to church with a family member.  The people in that church knew about his prison background.  Rather than rejoicing that he would go to church, they all looked at him with expressions of “what are you doing here?”  When it came time for people to greet their neighbor, the person sitting next to him, literally his neighbor on his street as well as in the pew, did not greet him.  No one did.

He left church that day and went back to the streets and his old friends.  Two more years of his life were wasted, all because of a coldhearted church that didn’t evidence Christ in their walk.  But the Lord didn’t give up on him, even if some people representing Christ did.

Driving without a license landed him back in jail for a short period of time.  When he was released, he felt led to walk home 7½ miles instead of calling someone for a ride.  As he walked and meditated, he felt led to start a conversation with the Lord.  He rededicated himself that night.  Praise God, this time he found a church that demonstrated the love of Christ in their walk and in their outreach to a new person.  Many years later, that man now faithfully serves the Lord.

So someone becomes a new creature in Christ and finds your church.  Now what?  Hopefully you greet these people warmly and welcome them into fellowship.  But is that all that’s required of the church?  NO!  They are baby Christians.  On the one hand, their salvation experience may have them on fire for the Lord, but they are still a toddler in their walk.  Going back to that Matthew 28 verse, salvation is only the first step.  They need to be discipled.  They need to learn some discipline, just like any other baby.

Of course it is slowly and lovingly at first.  But this new Christian is only a baby in spirit.  Mentally they are older than that.  So you won’t just be saying “No”, you will be teaching and explaining the right way according to Scriptures.

And just as conservatives are prone to err on the side of legalism with non-Christians, liberals in the body of Christ are prone to err on the side of permissiveness when it comes to baby Christians.  In the name of love, grace and compassion, they are reluctant to correct new Christians for fear of either quenching their spirit or being legalistic.  But while we may disagree on what constitutes sin, it is clear that from the Bible that if we are new creatures, we are also to put off the old sins that beset us and separated us from God.  While we are to remember that we will never achieve perfection in this life, it is the target.

I am currently serving as a mentor in a local high school in a neighboring school district that has a large minority population.  To help us, especially those of us who are white, learn how to best mentor the teenage males, we are being trained by two black men who have made a career in education and mentoring.  Part of that training is reading books they have written.  I have already finished reading “Madd Truth” by Alfonso Wyatt and I am now reading “Soar” by David Banks.  There are similarities in their approach to educating these black teens and helping them grow into young men of achievement.

Discipline isn’t the only element, but it is a key one.  But it has to be the right kind of discipline in the right environment, built upon trust and peer support.  One of the chapters in “Soar” is subtitled “Discipline to teach, not punish”.  When trust is earned, hope for success is instilled and the right kind of peer pressure has been established, teen boys will want to follow the rules, do the right thing and succeed in the tasks put before them, whether in education, athletics, other projects, appearance, or on time attendance.

Yes, they acknowledge racism in society.  But giving black children an excuse to fail in the name of compassion by giving too much weight to racism is not compassionate.  Too many black teens, especially young males, are falling through the cracks when discipline is lacking because it is too tempting to take the easy way out, the excuse that the system is stacked against them.  Just as important, Wyatt and Banks use their lives and the lives of other black mentors to show that success is possible for black men.  Once they have the trust and attention of their students and mentees, their job is to guide and be a resource to help each one find their path of success in their area of interest and talent.  That guidance is based on discipline: discipline in thinking, in choice of friends, in commitment to assignments, even in the route that one takes from school to home.

Not surprisingly, one of these authors, Alfonso Wyatt, is a Christian.  His full title is Rev. Dr. Alfonso Wyatt, an elder on the staff of The Greater Allen A.M.E. Cathedral of New York in Jamaica, borough of Queens.  And just as discipline is required for a successful life, especially one when dangers are lurking, discipline is required for a victorious Christian walk.  After all, Christians face spiritual battles.  Even if it is motivated by love and compassion, an undisciplined Christian is likely to succumb in those battles.  A disciplined Christian is equipped to keep faithful to a Christian walk.

A sower went out to sow his seed: and as he sowed, some fell by the way side; and it was trodden down, and the fowls of the air devoured it.  And some fell upon a rock; and as soon as it was sprung up, it withered away, because it lacked moisture.  And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprang up with it, and choked it.  And other fell on good ground, and sprang up, and bare fruit an hundredfold. And when he had said these things, he cried, He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.  Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God.  Those by the way side are they that hear; then cometh the devil, and taketh away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved.  They on the rock are they, which, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, which for a while believe, and in time of temptation fall away.  And that which fell among thorns are they, which, when they have heard, go forth, and are choked with cares and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfection.  But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience. – Luke 8:5-8,11-15

Many conservative churches tilt so far towards truth that they become cold, legalistic and fail to show the love of Christ.  They drive people away from Christ.  Many liberal churches tilt so far towards grace that almost anything goes.  They produce little spiritual fruit, although they are a friendly place.  New believers and those seeking God often soon find little reason to stay.  They’d do just as well joining a social club.

Moderation, balancing grace and truth, should be the aim of every Christian church.  Attending two churches on slightly opposite sides of middle ground is a way for me to keep balance and moderation.  While anything inherently sinful cannot be done lawfully in moderation or to any extent at all, moderation is required when one needs to balance two competing virtues.

Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. – Philippians 4:5

And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. – John 1:16-17

God bless,

Lois

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Coming out to family – the Kobayashi Maru for transsexuals

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acceptance, allies, beliefs, children, coming out, Counselor, culture, death, dying, Enterprise, family, family member, friends, GoFundMe, hate, Helen Boyd, Holy Spirit, indignity, James T Kirk, Jennifer Gable, Kobayashi Maru, Leslie Fabian, MTF, no-win scenario, parents, rejection, religion, siblings, spouse, Star Fleet Academy, Star Trek, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, strategy, support, TDOR, therapist, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, vulnerable, Wife

I am old enough to remember when the original three seasons of Star Trek were on television in the 1960’s.  The hard core following of fans (Trekkies) eventually led to movies featuring the original cast, a number of new television series that were sequels plus one prequel, and more recently an alternate reality Star Trek.  It has been an impressive run for the franchise.

The Kobayashi Maru test was not introduced until the movie “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”.  But it has been revisited a number of times since then in Star Trek literature, video games and even the alternate reality.

In brief, this test was designed by Star Fleet Academy to see how their cadets would react to a “no-win” scenario.  There was not supposed to be any way to pass the test in the sense of achieving both of the desired outcomes (rescuing a civilian ship in distress in the neutral zone and preserving the Enterprise and the lives of the crew members).

Eventually, it is learned during Wrath of Khan that Kirk was the only person in Star Fleet Academy history to pass the test.  He did so by secretly reprogramming the computer prior to taking the test.  Rather than being punished for cheating, he received a commendation for original thinking.  However, he is accused at a later date of having cheated death rather than facing it.

Whether it is large or small, most of us have a family.  For those of us who are transsexual, intertwined in making the decision to transition is deciding whether to tell our family members.  Associated with the decision to come out is the expectation of rejection.

This is the source of Kobayashi Maru for us: that sense that we are in a no-win situation when we come out to family members.  We are faced with not two but three choices that appear to be less than satisfactory: tell our family and be rejected; quietly leave our family so they feel rejected and don’t know why it happened; grit our teeth and suffer in silence as we hide our secret behind a mask as we deny ourselves and fend off transitioning.

Like the Kobayashi Maru, each of these choices carries with it a sense of dying.  In the first two choices, we die to family.  The only difference is who makes the choice to pull the plug.  In the third choice we die to self, a little bit more each day.  But in some ways, the third choice is an illusion.  For most of us, our self-preservation instincts kick in and we narrow the test down to the first two choices.  We realize that it is transition or die.  But in the saddest cases of all, the trans person chooses physical death.  In tragic irony, to spare one’s family of losing the child, sibling, parent or spouse they thought they knew, they cause that very loss.

Family rejection is all too real.  This week, you may have read the story of Jennifer Gable.  At age 32, Jennifer was suddenly struck down a few weeks ago by a brain aneurysm that occurred without warning.  In life, her family rejected her.  But an even greater indignity occurred when she died.  Her birth family was able to determine how she was treated post mortem.  In her obituary, her funeral, her final resting, they denied that Jennifer ever existed.  All references to her used the male name she had rejected.  For the final viewing and burial, they had her hair cut short and had her dressed in male clothes.  In her obituary, they only referred to events that occurred during the portion of her life when she was in her male persona. They covered up anything about her female persona, even though her transition occurred when she was in her twenties.  The only pronouns used to refer to her are male.

When we observed TDOR in recent days, we were reminded anew of the indignities that are perpetrated upon those of us in the transgender community and our allies, indignities that accompany the taking of lives.  And now we read of a family so hateful toward their own daughter that they would extend those indignities into the grave.

A friend of Jennifer has created a fund to try to set things right.  For those of you who believe that this is a worthy cause to consider, here is a link to its GoFundMe page:

http://www.gofundme.com/hoboug

And if you want to read the full story on Yahoo, here is the story link:

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/transgender-womans-family-buries-her-as-a-man-103476713077.html

So far I have painted the bleakest picture.  Not every family rejects.  In rare but joyful cases, the entire family accepts and embraces their trans family member.  Hopefully, this is happening more often, especially with the families of transgender children who come out.

Then, there are the cases where the reaction is mixed.  Some accept and some do not.  Yes, that might mean increased family tension, but at least the transitioning person has some family members to lean on.

If surveys have been done in terms of which family members are most likely to be accepting, I am not aware of them.  There’s little point in speculating on who is more likely to be accepting.  Would mother be more likely than father?  Does birth order or the gender of the siblings play a role?  Ultimately, all that matters is the individual trans person’s experience.  The sample size equals one.  How the family reacts trumps the statistics.

People generally want to protect the children.  And yet they may be the most resilient and understanding of all the family members.  Once again, which ones will accept and which ones will not is guesswork.  And it should be remembered that for all family members, the initial reaction may not be the final one.  Someone who initially rejects may come around in time.

There are also external factors that influence the decision to acceptance or rejection.  In particular, we can look to the categories of culture and religion.  Decisions are made in an atmosphere of national beliefs and sometimes regional beliefs.  They are made in light of their family’s spiritual beliefs.  And it also depends upon whether the family member tends to conform to or rebel against their family’s norms.

I have saved one family member for last.  I did so because this family member’s reaction is the most important in terms of future family stability.  I did so because this person is a strong influence on the couple’s children.  And I did so because this person is the most likely to be negative.  I am talking about the spouse.

I am not familiar with any details of an FTM transsexual who was married to a man prior to transition.  But I know a few MTF transsexuals who were married to a woman prior to transition.  I know some whose marriages ended, some whose marriages are in the process of ending, some who are keeping a marriage together during transition (for some it is a struggle), and some who are facing what might happen to their marriage once they start transition.

This is the relationship that appears to have the most difficult time surviving.  Typical comments from the wife are, “I didn’t sign up for this,” or “I’m not a lesbian,” or “I thought I married a man, not a woman.”  This is where the no-win situation is the most frequent and most obvious.  Transition and the spouse’s reaction to it often splits the marriage apart and leaves little common ground on which to stand.  It is a profoundly grievous situation.

Even sadder is when a spouse feels justified in turning the children against the transitioning parent.  Of course, we must remember that this often happens during the divorce of a cisgender couple.  But it is especially hard on a transgender parent who usually is much more vulnerable and suffering loss from many directions.

Again, I will point out that some marriages do survive, at least in some form.  Helen Boyd has written two books about her continuing marriage with a transsexual husband.  More recently, Leslie Fabian has written a book in support of her trans husband, describing the three year process of struggling to be accepting and supportive to actually falling in love all over again with the person she married.  But they are examples of the exception, not the rule.  A husband’s transition is often too much for “till death do us part” and “unconditional love” to bear.  And I even know of cases where the wife willingly admits that her husband has become a better person by casting off her mask and becoming her true self, yet still struggles to find a way to stay in the relationship.

Is there a way to implement the Kirk solution to the Kobayashi Maru for transsexuals?  If there is, I don’t see it.  When a transsexual comes out to family members, people are involved, not computers.  But I do have some suggestions.

First, make any amends with loved ones that are due them.  Do not require them to do so in return.  I am not advising you to ACT like a better person.  I am counseling you to BE a better person.  Hopefully accepting your true self will help accomplish that.  The closer you are to transition, the shorter your time to do this and some may be suspicious of your motives anyway.  But it could help with some family members.

Second, plan an overall strategy.  In what order do you tell people?  Come out first to adults who are most likely to be supportive and an ally with other family members.  Come out last to those who are either least likely to be supportive or who are most likely to gossip to other family members that you would prefer to tell yourself.  Minor children will almost certainly require some negotiation with your spouse as to how and when they will be told, including who else needs to be present.  Some may forbid the children being told at all.  This area is especially likely to require help from your therapist/counselor.

Third, tailor your approach to the individual family member.  I only needed to come out to one immediate family member, but I did also come out to a close cousin.  And while I had to tell some clients and friends in a mass mailing due to time and geography limitations, I did tell a number of others in person.  Their attention span, my awareness of their beliefs, my estimation of their likelihood of accepting and any other personal knowledge I had about them all went into tailoring my approach.  When I was less confident during my early attempts, I relied more on third party material in case I became nervous.  But I also had to guard against overconfidence when things started to go well.  And if you like to joke around, you may need to curb it somewhat, and especially be on guard against a joke which could be misinterpreted and bring out the “icky” factor in the other person.

Finally, as a Christian, I relied on the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  My own gender counselor closely questioned the decision on who to come out to first in my apartment building.  It proved to yield many benefits far beyond where I live.  Some of my TG friends initially chided me for being overly cautious and analytical.  They later acknowledged how it led to my success.  I was following the Spirit’s guidance in these matters.

On an even more personal note, the close family member I mentioned is my brother.  Because we had other differences to patch up, I just came out to him two weeks ago.  He is struggling with the news, but reports from his wife and from one of my cousins make me hopeful that things will work out.

Let brotherly love continue. – Hebrews 13:1

God bless,

Lois