My mom, my role model

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100th birthday, assignments, boy, childless, Christmas cookies, conscience, cooking, counseling, crying, dad, daughter, deterioration of health, domestic quarrel, dressed in mother's clothes, drunk driving, girl, giving birth, Great Depression, Holidays, homeless, homemaker, Hungarian, Husband, in memory, labor pains, marital bliss, Mommies are special, mommy's little helper, mother, mother-child relationship, mourning, New York City, Ohio, personal sacrifice, picnics, pregnancy, rape, Reformed Church, role model, sadness, salads, selfish, son, spousal abuse, stay-at-home mom, Transsexual, will to live

My mom would have been 100 years old today.  She made it to 88.  For her final two months, the nurses would tell me that they didn’t know what was keeping her alive.

I have an idea what it might have been.  When she was born, it was a particularly cold winter in NE Ohio.  She was a tiny child born to a poor immigrant Hungarian family.  She had two older brothers, but other siblings died in infancy.  The doctors didn’t think that she would make it, either.  They sent for the pastor of the Hungarian Reformed Church, so that my mom could be baptized.

But she demonstrated a will to live.  The doctors misjudged by 88 years and 8 months.  That will persisted even for a few months when she told me that she was ready to go home and join my dad.  In her lifetime, she had watched her mother brutalized by an alcoholic father, took care of her 9 year old sister on her own when she was still in high school and her mother (now divorced) came to New York City to find work during the depression, endured times of being homeless, kept going after being raped, scrimped and saved and sacrificed so that her husband and her two children could wear nice clothes in public, those children eventually graduating from college (and one child, me, also going to private school in grades 6-12).

By the time she was my age, she was dealing with a number of infirmities: frequent headaches, a nervous stomach, glaucoma, three hernias, broke the same elbow twice, had gall bladder problems for years until it was removed, mobility issues during her last few years, plus the usual aches and pains that come with aging.  She hung on through all those conditions.  Her body had persevered through so much, when it was time to let go, she was almost too stubborn to die!

My mom wasn’t perfect.  I mentioned in my previous blog post that she let me down when it came to my relationship with the person I married.  But when she caught me in her clothes the only time I ever dressed in my parents’ house, she was remarkably enlightened for the 1960’s in terms of not punishing me and not bringing my dad in to beat masculinity into me.  She was a stay-at-home mom, always there when I came home from school.  She was the one who was in my corner when I wanted to go to private school and when I started my career as a stockbroker.  We could talk about almost anything together and I could disagree as long as I was respectful of the fact that she was the parent.  And as I got closer to my teen years, we began to work beautifully together in the kitchen whenever there was a major cooking project to do: salads and other side dishes for picnics we hosted, holiday dinners or those wonderful platters of Christmas cookies.  Oh, and when she got older, we would make stuffed cabbage together.  She would tell other people that she would rather work with me in the kitchen than anyone else.  I was as happy to hear that as when I would get an A in school or have a great game or earn a big commission.  I loved both of my parents, but she was my role model.

As might be expected, my mom and my relationship with her were brought up a few times in my counseling.  In honor of the 100^th anniversary of her birth, I am sharing some of that today.

[Written May 29, 2012 – this conversation with my mom never actually happened; it is my recollection of a composite of how I internalized my mom as the voice of my conscience and conflict]

How dare you?

I want to be a girl. I should be a girl.

     Why are you so ungrateful?  Mommy and Daddy had to sacrifice a lot so that you can have all the things you have: your own room in a nice house; plenty of food to eat; clean clothes. If you had gone through the depression like we did, then you would know the meaning of want. Until we were married, Daddy had to give almost all of his paycheck to Grandpa and Grandma because Grandpa couldn’t work anymore. There was a time when he had to take a pay cut just to keep his job.  All the people where he worked had to do that.  And there were many nights when I had to sleep in the subway and didn’t know where my next meal was going to come from.

But there’s nothing wrong with being a girl. Why can’t I be a girl? I’d rather be a girl than a boy.

     You are just being selfish. Think of all the starving children in China.

But I want to be your girl and grow up just like you, Mommy. Wouldn’t you want a daughter like [Aunt A____ and Aunt H____] have?

     If I had a daughter, I would have named you Linda and I would have been happy to have a daughter.  But God gave me you, and I am proud that you are my son. I wouldn’t change a thing.  You shouldn’t want to, either.

[Written for the same counseling assignment, in this dialogue I am a bit older and the conversation is with my self as my conscience.]

Whose side are you on, anyway?

[Note: about halfway through writing this internal dialogue, I got a bit emotional and teary-eyed.]

(My parents didn’t have major fights often.  Both exceptions involved my dad drinking too much at a family wedding and then wanting to drive all of us home.  The first one happened in September 1960, when I was not quite 8, so I don’t remember as many details from that one.  The second one was the summer of 1964 and I was going on 12.  I knew my Mom was doing it to protect me, so in some way she was my hero.  But at the same time I felt a little embarrassed, because members of my extended family witnessed it and it seemed like they were judging my mom negatively because of it.)

It feels good to take Mommy’s side.

     You’re a traitor. You should be on the boy’s side.

Mommy wants me on her side.

     Mommy tells you to be a good boy.  You’re a boy.

Mommy likes it when I help her. She says that I am a good helper.

     But she still calls you a boy, not a girl.

Mommy got mad at me for talking to Daddy when they were fighting.  She accused me of talking to the enemy.

     You know she didn’t mean that. Mommy and Daddy made up, right?

But I felt bad when she said that to me. I didn’t like her calling Daddy the enemy. But I didn’t like betraying Mommy either. I love Mommy. I want to be like her. I want to be a Mommy.

     You’re a boy.  Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  Everyone says how smart you are. You do well in school. Mommy is proud of how well you do in school.  Daddy is proud of how well you do in school. He gives you a reward when you bring home a good report card. You are supposed to go to school and then get a job, get married and become a Daddy.

Can’t I get a job and be a Mommy? Some women do that these days.  And it doesn’t feel right to date a girl.

     No boy is going to ask you for a date. You are a boy, not a girl.  You’re a boy. Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  You’re supposed to like girls, not be one.  Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  <echo & fade>

What’s so special about being a Mommy:

[Note: I cry during part of this. I think that I have finally mourned my mother’s death. It took over 8 years.]

Mommies tuck you in at night.

Mommies make you feel better when you are sick or hurt yourself.

Mommies discipline you but tell you that they love you when they do it and that it hurts them more than it hurts you.

Mommies tell you that they love you even when you get mad at them and say “I hate you” to them.

Mommies make nice things to eat including special treats.

Mommies put you ahead of themselves.

Mommies make Christmas and birthdays special.

Mommies know when you are upset and try to make you feel better.

Mommies are always there for you.

I want to be a Mommy.

[Written January 22, 2013 – this was not for an assignment.  I was already living full-time.  It was something I realized and wanted to discuss at a session.]

Sadness at being childless

The sad thing for me is that I will never know the joy of giving birth to a child.  That first moment when you feel something you have never felt before and an ancient instinct is repeated once again, letting you know there is a new life inside of you. You may go to a doctor or get a home pregnancy test to confirm it, but somehow you know.  It is your honor to carry that life inside of you, nurturing it with the fruits of your own body, protecting it like the precious jewel it is, taking better care of yourself than you ever have before in the knowledge that anything you do to your body affects your baby, the flesh of your flesh, and yet at the same time not even trying to understand any weird cravings you might be having, deciding your body knows better what it needs than your conscious mind does.  And the sacrifices you make!  Your figure, your comfort, your mobility, perhaps some of your favorite activities and your freedom, large chunks of your wardrobe, and even (you feel a little foolish for thinking this) the ability to see your own toes.  Finally the ultimate sacrifice, your willingness to experience the pangs of childbirth as you exert your body to its limits, knowing that you will never be quite this close again to your child, but it is the first of many times when you will need to let go.

If you have chosen well, your husband is by your side, sharing the joy of the life you have created together, knowing that now and for many years to come if your child is kept safe and healthy, you will be sharing the responsibility of nurturing that child through the stages of childhood until you have to let go once more to release your child into the adult world.  You look up at your husband, seeing the look of love and admiration on his face as he looks at you and your baby nestled in your arms.  You are so proud to be his wife and you know that the love you had for him as you were courting and in the honeymoon period of your marriage is now stronger, deeper and more mature.  You love the strength, protection and provision he brings into your life and the life of your family, and you know the feminine qualities you bring in return to make his life better, more balanced and more complete.  If, while in the grip of the worst labor pains, you felt a moment of anger toward him for putting you through that pain, those thoughts have vanished and you silently thank him for choosing you to be his wife, knowing that this meant it would be you to whom he would give his seed so you were able to experience this blessed event.

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. – Psalm 113:9

God bless,

Lois

Would you stand by your husband if …?

Tags

acceptance, amicable, analogies, Billy Joel, Casey Stengel, children, choice, coming out, cure, divorce, emotional response, facing a crisis, family, guilt, happiness, Husband, immersion, intransigence, life events, logical argument, loss, Love, managing, marital problems, Marriage, mitigating circumstances, open and honest communication, questionnaire, relationship, save a marriage, separation, shame, smokescreens, social status, spouse, The Stranger, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, traumatic experience, undecided, understanding, unknown, vacillating, what will people think, Wife, withholding information

Because of the subject matter of this post, I sent a draft copy to a handful of MTF husbands who have come out to their wives and are at various stages of transition. They are also dealing with a variety of reactions from their wives.  The prognoses for their marriages range from hopeful to needing a miracle to survive.  At the end of my post, I will print some brief comments from five husbands who responded as well as one wife who was willing to make some comments.  Then I will have the last word because it is my blog!

On November 25, 2014, I posted about coming out to family.  During that post, I indicated that the most difficult family member to come out to is a spouse.  I tried to paint the picture as being very difficult, but not hopeless.

I have met one couple that stayed together after the husband went full-time.  A second MTF husband I know and her spouse were able to make it through a very difficult part of their process recently, although there are still major challenges to face.  She cites honesty and constant communication as being very important.

Meanwhile, I have been pondering this situation since I posted back in November.  I was an engineering major for two years, was acculturated male and worked for a company known as “The Problem Solvers” for 15 years.  So sue me?

What kept crossing my mind is that transition, while unquestionably a major, significant change in the dynamics of a marriage relationship, is not the only type of challenge that marriages face.  I often look for analogies in situations.  While some marriages have broken up over jealousy, money disagreements, interfering in-laws, boredom, and maybe even failure to put back the cap on the toothpaste tube, I also know of marriages that have survived severe situations.

So I have come up with a list of many severe situations.  While I am putting it in questionnaire form, there are no right or wrong answers.  There is no scoring system that evaluates how good you are as a spouse.  Nor is it meant to make someone feel guilty for failing to support a transitioning spouse.  Its aim is to provide perspective, which is generally helpful.  It may reveal something about your feelings towards your spouse and your attitude about marriage in general.  Those revelations, if any, are highly personal and only you can decide if you want to make any adjustments in these areas of your life.

Finally, there is absolutely no guarantee that looking at these questions will save a marriage relationship.  But I believe that they can, if approached sincerely, promote honest communication.  And if that honest communication can save just one marriage that would have otherwise failed, then it will have been worth it.

I do not recommend that the transitioning spouse ask these questions to their mate as in a test or an interview.  Rather, it would be better to suggest it as something that could be helpful for your situation, whether you give your spouse a link to this blog post or print out the questions and any other part you want to include.  In fact, if you want your spouse to take it, why not take it yourself?  It should be helpful and sobering to find out if you are asking something from your spouse that you might not be so willing to do yourself if the situation was reversed.

Most of these questions are gender neutral.  I have provided alternatives when they are not.  They are applicable to those who are legally married and those who consider themselves married (e.g. a common law marriage).  They are applicable to same sex couples as well as opposite sex couples.  I am grouping them under various headings.

Separation for an indefinite period of time: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Was serving in the military, captured, and held as a prisoner of war?
• Was traveling in a foreign country, arrested or kidnapped, and held as a political prisoner?
• Was lost at sea or some other remote part of the globe?

Criminal incarceration: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Was falsely convicted of any crime and imprisoned for many years?
• Committed a white collar crime against someone other than a family member and was imprisoned for many years?
• Committed a violent crime against someone other than a family member and was imprisoned for many years?

Health issues: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Is in a coma for an indeterminate period of time?
• Became significantly mentally impaired and deteriorating from Alzheimer’s disease or other form of dementia?
• Became physically unable to take care of himself or herself, especially if that caused a significant strain, financial or otherwise, on you?
• Is suffering from significant mental illness, whether or not institutionalized?
• Is addicted to drugs or alcohol and refusing to enter or continue with a recovery program?
• Suffers from any other untreated addictive behavior that had a significant negative impact on the quality of your marriage and family life?
• [If your spouse currently has male anatomy] Became permanently impotent through injury or disease? [If your spouse currently has female anatomy] Had a single or double mastectomy to treat a serious illness?
• [If your spouse currently has male anatomy] Became unable to father children at a premature age (other than by mutual consent)? [If your spouse currently has female anatomy] Became unable to bear children at a premature age (other than by mutual consent)?

Social Standing: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for political beliefs?
• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for religious beliefs?
• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for personal appearance?

Personal Beliefs [if applicable]: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Converted to another religion from the one you both followed or abandoned the religion you both followed?
• Made a significant move away from the political, social or moral philosophy you both shared?

Miscellaneous Situations: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Took a better job in a location distant enough to require you to leave a job important to you?
• Did something that accidentally led to the death or severe and lasting injury of a loved one?
• And you became sexually incompatible?
• Is unable or unwilling to help restore at least one of these (love, romance, harmony or respect) that disappeared from the marriage or from your spouse?

Situations where the change occurs to you, not your spouse: would you stand by your spouse if you …

• No longer loved your spouse?
• Are no longer attracted to your spouse?

There may be other serious situations that could be added to the list.  There were some that I deliberately left off because I personally find it difficult to even suggest that people remain together if a spouse places other family members in danger.  And in the case of infidelity, I look at that as a different question: should the marriage be restored now that the marriage relationship was broken by an act of unfaithfulness?

It is not intended that there be equivalence in severity between the situations listed and a spouse transitioning.  Indeed, what one person might find relatively easy to deal with, another person might find nearly impossible to handle.  Where transition fits in terms of severity will also differ from person to person.

None of the situations listed is a direct analogy to a spouse transitioning.  But there are elements of each situation that mirror the types of things that occur as a result of a spouse’s transition, things that non-transitioning spouses cite as an objection.  Examples would be loss of one’s sexual partner, concern over what other people will think, a drastic change from the person they married, and even the long-term absence of a living spouse by a means other than termination of the marriage.  The point is that there are other life events that can cause the same difficult situations that might be brought about by a spouse’s transition.  So the underlying question to the non-transitioning spouse is this: are you really objecting to the consequences of the transition or are you objecting to the transition as being the cause?

Indeed, part of being honest and communicative is avoiding smokescreens that tend to obscure the vision of both parties.  One objection that I have heard mentioned on a few occasions is the desire of the non-transitioning spouse to “protect the children”.  But while that idea has validity, is it being used to deflect the discussion away from one’s own objections to a reason that sounds more noble and less selfish?  Certainly each child is different, but children tend to be more accepting of a parent’s transition than spouses are.  What children need to be protected from most is separation, division and rancor between parents.

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids-are-resilient-and-7-other-lies-divorcing-107330654983.html

How can one tell if a smokescreen is being employed?  Sometimes it has to be tested.  I offer a case in point from my own life.  When my mother objected to my choice of my first serious relationship (and future wife), she used the “What will other people think” argument as part of her arsenal.

My fiancé started going to church with me on a weekly basis.  And soon my mother had a conversation with one of the more influential church members. She was the wife of a descendant of one of the founding families of the church, a family that still had political power within the community as members of the same political party to which my parents belonged.  And during that conversation, that influential church member told my mother how everyone in church thought my fiancé was wonderful.  She just knocked the legs out from under one of my mother’s arguments!  Rather than concede, however, my mother proudly reported to me how stunned this church member was when my mother replied that she didn’t approve of my fiancé.  Unfortunately, instead of reconsidering her position, my mother dug in her heels and made things worse.  As one of the teachers in my high school loved to say ironically, “Don’t confuse me with the facts.  My mind is made up.”  Even so, one of her smokescreens had been exposed.

On some occasions, another smokescreen is the claim that this is a matter of choice by the transitioning spouse.  Indeed, I would anticipate that some non-transitioning spouses, having answered the questions in this post, will claim the ability to accept certain consequences only when their spouse did not choose the causative event.  And we know that there are still many people who truly believe that being transsexual is a matter of choice.  For spouses with that belief, one can only present as much evidence as possible (see my links page and some of my posts for some of that evidence) and hope for the best.  But I have also heard of cases where the non-transitioning spouse did know better: for everyone other than their own spouse.  This is smokescreen and denial and a hindrance to open, honest communication.

Am I saying that the non-transitioning spouse must always stay with the transitioning spouse?  Must they always subordinate or deny their own needs for the sake of the transitioning spouse?  No!  Remember that I said that there are no right or wrong answers to questions I posed.  There are only honest answers or dishonest answers.  And while the honest answers might help some couples stay together through transition, in other cases it may make it clearer to both parties that an amicable end to the marriage is in order.

Transition is one of the most significant events that can affect a marriage.  It is not just about the needs of the transitioning spouse.  It is not just about the needs of the non-transitioning spouse.  It is about the needs of both.  Recognition of that by both parties improves (but doesn’t guarantee) the possibility that the relationship can be preserved.  I believe that every marriage that can be saved should be saved.

Comments:

JB from NJ writes: I can only speak from my own experience as to whether or not this type of questionnaire, presented to a spouse, would encourage communication or enlightenment. I believe it would not. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t post it.  Spouses, even those who “intellectually” grasp that GID is not something that one chooses to have, “emotionally” have difficulty letting go of the notion that the transitioning spouse is not “doing this to me”.

TE from AL writes: I think it is quite fine the way you have structured it and the questions given pretty much cover most issues that may occur in a marriage.

AL from NJ writes: It’s important for everyone who is in a relationship or married to count the cost if they are coming out, no matter if it’s before or after, but especially after.  it’s especially difficult if the relationship is long term.  I welcome the questions you ask, and I expect even the hardest of questions has more to do with the fear of the answer than the question.  We can’t anticipate anything other than the love our dear ones already hold, but that’s no guarantee when it’s a very difficult issue for so many.  And even more so in some ways for people of faith.

I think it’s just fine to come from your perspective.  After all, you’re asking questions that many of us have asked ourselves, but maybe not on paper.  The confrontation of how things are needs to be faced; we are not left without a choice, since even inaction is a choice, yes?

LE from TX noted on the phone: The main problem with the questionnaire is that it tries to solve an emotional issue for the wife using logic.  The wife might respond to every question the way we would have hoped, but then add, “But you are still taking away my husband.”

LA from NY writes: I think the article is great as is! I think you hit it pretty well, at least from my perspective. You voiced it in a way that sounds similar to how I would. I know that a valid decision to move on in a friendly way is important. That’s a valid choice and I think knowing that makes it easier, no one feels trapped, no one feels forced into anything.

In the end I think your article did what it was intended to do: it certainly has spurred a quite elaborate and lengthy conversation for the two of us [LA and her wife]!

LA’s wife added these thoughts: What are the problems in the marriage (if any) before the transitioning partner comes out/transitions that are due to one partner being transgender?  Both partners need to improve themselves through transition: meaning while the transitioning partner is working on themselves and finding themselves and improving, the non-transitioning partner needs to do work on themselves as well. This work both partners does is sort of like two addicts, both need to get help/treatment in order for the relationship and sobriety to be successful or the partner getting treatment needs to leave.

My closing comments: Knowing all the people who commented to some extent (except for LA’s wife), I was able to do some quick hand-waving analysis of the answers I received (all of which were helpful).  Those who tend to have a more optimistic personality and have seen at least some measure of success in the marriage relationship while transitioning were more likely to react positively to the questionnaire.  Those who tend to have a more pessimistic attitude or whose marriage appears to be over tended to be doubtful as to the usefulness of the questionnaire.

My first reaction was to be disappointed.  It seemed like those who needed it the most were the least likely to use it.  But I was encouraged by LA’s e-mails.  First she reviewed it and then she showed it to her wife.  (As far as I know, this is the only case where both spouses reviewed it.)  So I received positive feedback from the only time it was actually used as intended.  I took a course in Probability and Statistics in college, so I know that there is negligible validity of the results when the sample size equals one.  Even so, my mindset has been that if my blog hurts no one and helps even just one person, one couple, one family, one congregation, then the effort has been worth it.

Some spouses will react with hostility and their minds are made up when their husband comes out to them.  There are people who will be very difficult to reach, whether it is a matter of religious belief, or personality, or insecurities being exposed or simply that the love is no longer there.  On the other hand, we occasionally read about spouses who publicly stand by and support their transitioning spouse.  It would stand to reason that there would be many spouses between the polar opposites.

Casey Stengel was elected to Baseball’s Hall of Fame on the strength of his managerial record with the New York Yankees, winning ten AL pennants and seven World Series in twelve seasons.  One time, when he was asked the secret of his success, he replied that on every team he managed, there are players who love him, players who hate him and players who are undecided.  The goal, he said, was to keep the undecided players away from the ones who hated him.

Certainly, we would never want to invite an undecided spouse of a transitioning husband to a meeting where hostile or negative spouses will be present.  A better solution is to find an ethical, truthful way to win over an undecided spouse to be in agreement with us.  One way the indecision may manifest itself is a spouse who vacillates between a logical, understanding response and an emotional intransigent response.  Possibly a questionnaire like the one in this post will help the non-transitioning spouse see her responses in black and white and help her hold on to the understanding response.  Even if that still does not hold the marriage together, at least it should promote peace between spouses.

If a spouse is willing to work at finding a solution that both parties can live with, yet is operating predominantly in the emotional sphere, the only thing I can think of doing is to reflect the feelings back at her.  How would she feel if she was compelled to live under an identity that is not who she really is?

I am also becoming aware of some other strong feelings that play a part in this process: feelings of guilt on the part of the transitioning spouse.  And this is certainly understandable.  But like anything, these feelings can be taken to an extreme.  And if our guilt makes us feel unworthy of being accepted, what subliminal message does that send to our spouse?  Ever have or overheard one of these “conversations”?  “Hi.  You wouldn’t want to go out with me, would you?” [Refusal by the other person]  “Oh, okay.  Bye.”

Is it wrong to hide something significant from the person we are about to marry?  Yes.  Is transgender identity the only thing that is ever hidden before a marriage?  No!  Among the things someone might withhold from a future spouse include prior relationships, experimenting with alternate lifestyles, having been raped, having been molested or otherwise abused as a child, having had an abortion, having a congenital condition that is likely to shorten one’s lifespan, having been an addict, having been arrested.  Sometimes we can’t share the information because our mind has blocked it out.  Whether intentionally withheld or not, these things have a way of surfacing later in life and requiring both spouses to adjust.

And even when something significant is disclosed, its impact may be minimized or not fully understood at the time.  My ex told me about traumatic events to immediate family members that she witnessed in childhood.  Neither of us grasped how much that would affect her ability to maintain a long-term marital relationship or romantic partnership.

Going back to the information that is intentionally withheld, why do we do so?  Often, we felt guilty about it then, too.  We were ashamed to admit it.  We told ourselves it didn’t matter because it was in the past or we wouldn’t do that anymore.  And often, we were afraid: afraid that if our intended found out, we would lose out on the one chance of happiness with someone who really loves us.

When you are a transsexual of my generation, there are a few other reasons to add.  First of all in those pre-Internet days, most of us weren’t quite sure what to make of it.  This sense that I was really a woman inside, when considered in light of how it was reported the rare times we were able to find out anything about it: did it mean I was gay; a crossdresser; a perverted deviant; a horrible sinner who was mocking God’s creation?  Was it just a phase that I could outgrow or be cured of?  In fact, if I marry and have kids and get involved in guy stuff with male friends, hopefully I’ll learn to like those things and cure myself.

While these things don’t excuse, they do explain.  They describe mitigating circumstances.  They speak to the fact that we entered into marriage with the right motives of a fresh start and leaving behind baggage (not realizing how tenacious baggage can be).  We did not intentionally deceive or dupe our spouses, at least not any more than we deceived or duped ourselves.

“Well we all fall in love, but we disregard the danger.  Though we share so many secrets, there are some we never tell.  Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger?  Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5ofVsxTPoc

At the end of the day, only time will tell if this post and discussion becomes a beneficial tool in these delicate situations, whether employed by the parties to the marriage themselves, or administered by a neutral party such as a therapist.  Any further feedback to its use and what resulted would be greatly appreciated.

If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. – Romans 12:18

God bless,

Lois

One case of learning to live with personality differences in marriage

Tags

Christian, commonality, compassion, Husband, Love, Marriage, multi-tasking, overcoming differences, Relationships, understanding, unity, wanting to please, Wife

My post on 2/3/14 dealt with the importance of Christian unity.  My follow up post on 2/25/14 made reference to the idea that love of any kind promotes unity.  This post follows up with an example of how love can overcome differences.

Human nature being what it is, love is most likely to develop when we first see what we have in common with someone else.  If we make love a priority and then a necessity, eventually love is able to survive some differences, too.  In fact, a combination of the two can make the strongest bonds.  We see this in successful marriages.  In addition to similarities such as common interests and beliefs that are shared, there are complimentary differences that help divide the tasks of life.  When the first two are in place and highly valued, then the marriage partners are able to maintain love for each other both despite and because of their differences that aren’t so complimentary.

It just so happened that a perfect example of overcoming personality differences in a marriage was related to me as I was writing this post.  It involved my cousin and her husband who have been married for many years. Both of them have a very positive Christian testimony by the way they live their lives.

My cousin is in the process of taking care of the personal effects of a neighbor who passed away recently.  Her husband works for a charitable organization that accepts donations of clothing and household items.  This past Thursday, she asked her husband if the organization will do a pick up if there is a large amount of items.  He told her, “Yes.”  Then she asked if it could be done the next day.  He said, “No, it isn’t possible.”  She then asked the same question a few different ways.  Soon her husband started getting annoyed and told her, “You’re not listening to me.  It can’t be done tomorrow.”

My cousin, the multi-tasking female, comes away from the conversation thinking that it if it can’t be done the next day, she’ll work on something else more pressing and pack up the items to donate closer to when it can be picked up.  Her husband, the one task at a time oriented male, at some point is thinking about how much it sounded like his wife really wanted it done the next day.  Because this is the way he would do things, most likely he assumes that she wanted it picked up the next day because she had most or all of the items packed, catalogued and ready to go.  So when he gets to work, wanting to please his wife, he makes a great effort to arrange for a pick up that day, even though it normally isn’t done that way.  And he succeeds.

Unfortunately my cousin was nowhere near being finished with what needed to be done for it to be picked up.  But she knew that had he told her it could be picked up the next day, she would have told him a time that would have comfortably allowed her to complete the task and have it ready for pick up.

So the next day, when my cousin is in the car with another neighbor on their way to do something, she gets a call from her husband that the truck will be there in thirty minutes to pick up the donation.  She whips the car around and heads back to her neighborhood and frantically starts getting everything ready for pick up.  It was far more rushed than she normally would do things.  But it was accomplished.

There are some couples who would have gotten into a heated argument about this situation that developed.  Hard feelings would have resulted and lingered until either they got out of control or the couple could find a way to patch things up.  My cousin and her husband may have discussed the incident afterwards.  But with a marriage that has stood the test of time, they love each other enough and know each other well enough that both had the best intentions.  The miscommunication and mix-up occurred simply because they do and see some things differently, not because they don’t love and care for each other enough.

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another … – 1^st Peter 3:8 (portion)

God bless,

Lois