And Now For Something Completely Different … – Part VIII

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Certified Nursing Assistant, communication, Derma-Lase, discreet, Dr. Carolyn Wolf-Gould, Dr. Sherman Leis, FidelisCare, follow up visits, FTM, full kitchen, Gender Reassignment Surgery, genital hair removal, GRS, health grades, health insurance, Joy Vanderberg, laser hair removal, Lower Bucks Hospital, medical profession, MTF, nurse, office staff, pain level, plastic surgery, recommendations, recovery room, respect, safe, secluded, stem cell research, training, trans broken arm syndrome, Transgender, website

For the medical community treating or considering treating transgender patients

Evaluations (Grades and Comments):

The Philadelphia Center for Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery (www.drshermanleis.com or www.thetransgendercenter.com): (A-)

→ Dr. Sherman Leis: (A) – An excellent surgeon who stays current and cares about the transgender community.  In general, he’s a caring individual with a very good bedside manner.  He trains other surgeons.  On a couple of occasions, I didn’t grasp what he was telling me on the first go round, but I have had this problem with others in the medical profession as well.  Part of it may be due to the fact that I have had little interaction with the medical profession until I started to transition, so I don’t always know what to ask.  Part of the problem (which I also have to be aware of when I provide tax preparation services) is that there can be a disconnect between professional lingo and everyday speech.

→ Pain Level: (A+) – Dr. Leis states that he doesn’t believe in patients having pain.  Most of the time in recovery, my pain level was between 0 and 1 (with 10 being the worst) and it never got above a 2.  My biggest problems in the hospital were a cramp in my lower back and some discomfort from the IV lines.  Dr. Leis told me that I have an excellent profile as far as not having a lot of pain (don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke, not diabetic, no hypertension, good BMI).  And people tell me I must have a high pain threshold.  Maybe so, but believe me I felt a lot of pain after my oral surgery.  I believe a lot of credit needs to be given to Dr. Leis for his technique and post-operative protocols.  For one thing, the patient resumes walking more gradually than I have heard for most GRS surgeons, and walking immediately after surgery seems to be a very painful activity for most GRS patients.  (The only downside is that I have heard that the walking provided an opportunity to meet other transgender patients.  I didn’t get that opportunity.  But I’ll sacrifice that to have less pain.)

→ In General: (A-) – Top notch, discreet office staff; nicely appointed, secluded offices in a safe neighborhood with a range of services nearby.  Traffic can be difficult at times and public transportation is a bit lacking.  The walk up to the top floor can be inconvenient and was a challenge (and can be very difficult for some patients) three days after GRS and with a Foley catheter still inserted.

→ Communications: (B-) – The staff is very efficient in sending out necessary e-mails and making phone calls to patients, other physicians and insurance companies.  There was some information lacking and a slip up or two in terms of handouts to the patient.  Some information communicated verbally was missing on handouts.  A handout on what is available in the kitchens would have been helpful.  The notice to not put things on the floor was on a counter where I didn’t (and wasn’t likely to) see it when I came in the day before surgery.

→ Amenities: (C-) – The recovery rooms for the patients and caregivers were comfortable, spacious, and attractive.  The cable TV with a plethora of channels was a plus and the shared kitchen was very good.  The other recovery room with which I shared the kitchen and bathroom was empty for most of my time there, but a shared bathroom when one is recovering from surgery with four other people present (my caregiver, another patient and their two caregivers) potentially could pose a problem.  (I came close one time.)  The person who was supposed to provide me with a relaxing experience was a big negative for me, but I didn’t mark down as much as I might have because I understand that other patients are happy with the experience.  All I can say is that with all the people I dealt with, whether in Dr. Leis’s office, the hospital or at my primary care physician’s office, this person was the only one who I felt didn’t treat me with respect.

→ Follow up Care: (A) – Thorough and accommodating.  Dr. Leis and the staff were readily available by e-mail, phone and in person during appointments.  This is very important.  Not only should your surgeon recommend follow up visits, you are likely to have questions along the way and problems of various orders of magnitude are likely to develop, especially in the first few months after GRS.

→ Websites: (A) – Informative and excellent at communicating the type of work that the center provides without hyperbole.  My caregivers who looked at Dr. Leis’s website were as impressed as I was.  It is an accurate reflection on the nature of the practice and the type of work done there.

     Lower Bucks Hospital (www.lowerbuckshosp.com): (A-) – The nurses and certified nursing assistants (CNA’s) were excellent.  They were professional, caring, knowledgeable, pleasant and patient.  I could not have been in better hands during my three days there.  The television by the bed instead of on the opposite wall is a very good idea.  Since I was not mobile during my stay, I didn’t get much use of my room, but it was spacious.  The windows were large.  The décor was typical hospital, as was the food (including the three daily meals jammed together between 8 AM and 5 PM).  The intake and release procedures were efficient and the registration staff did a good job.  The only significant negatives were that my personal belongings never made it to my room until a few minutes before my release and that the IV monitors were prone to beeping for no apparent reason.

     Joy Vanderberg (www.derma-lase.com): (A) – I could not have found a more caring and cooperative person to do my genital hair removal.  She had done my facial hair removal as well with laser.  She was cooperative and more than respectful: she was a cheerleader in my process.  And I would find it hard to believe that there is anyone more knowledgeable about hair and hair removal (especially lasers and the pros and cons about lasers versus electrolysis).  I have recommended two other transgender patients to her and they are very happy with her as well.  I hope she will advertise her services more to transgender clients.  And I wish it wasn’t such an ordeal for her to deal with the insurance company for reimbursement.  I helped her as much as I could.

Dr. Carolyn Wolf-Gould (https://physicians.bassett.org/details/568/carolyn-wolf-gould-family_medicine-oneonta): (A) – While not officially part of my surgical process, I could not have successfully made it through GRS without her.  She was the doctor that I was so fortunate to find when Obamacare became law and I had to find a doctor knowledgeable in transgender medical care who is in New York State.  She was the doctor who brought my hormone protocol into the 21^st century, taking me off of Premarin and sticking with me as we tried different estrogen delivery methods.  She was the one who told me that Governor Cuomo’s executive order for GRS coverage included Medicaid.  She was the one who eventually found Dr. Leis and recommended him to be my surgeon.  She used her connections in the industry so I wouldn’t need to start over with another surgeon and further delay surgery when a surgeon who performed GRS in NYC began accepting Medicaid.  She was there to help me when my EKG came back with some irregularities and I needed to get a sonogram and stress test a few days before surgery.  And she was there just a few days ago when I was feeling overwhelmed by blood clot issues, dilation issues and mouth issues.  She is a knowledgeable doctor and a caring individual in the unlikely location of a small upstate NY college town.  She listens, she is proactive, and she is there when I need a hug, a pat on the back or a little shove in the right direction.  A practice that features transgender medicine is being set up in my county and maybe when they get some experience under their belt, I will switch to a local doctor.  But for now, as long as I can manage the long, pleasant drives into an area similar to where I went to college at Cornell (and much of the drive covers the same route), it is worth it to me to take those 2½-3 hour drives each way to see Dr. Carolyn and some of her other staff members who I have come to know over the years, as well as some new ones I have just met.

     Insurance [Fidelis Managed Medicaid] (www.fideliscare.org): (B) – When I had to choose a Medicaid provider at the New York State Marketplace website, I asked Dr. Carolyn and her staff for a recommendation as to who they worked with best.  Their first choice did not cover my county.  Fidelis was their second choice.  They felt that their first choice did better with medication requests, but that Fidelis did better with the surgery procedure.  One of the best things about Fidelis is that they provide each patient with an actual caseworker who is also an RN.  Susan Wolfe did a good job and is a caring individual.  The drawbacks with Fidelis was that I sensed that Ms. Wolfe had a much too big caseload, there were restrictions put on her access to information about my case that somehow customer service reps could access, and that there was some negativity towards transgender patients creeping into other departments at Fidelis as well as some overly complicated bureaucratic procedures for some steps.  In three different instances, I ran into problems.  Ms. Wolfe went to bat for me each time (and was understanding and tolerant of my impatience) and each one was eventually resolved favorably.  With her help, my persistence and some outside help from Dr. Carolyn in one case and a NY State Senator’s office in another, difficult employees became ex-employees for whatever reason and troublesome policies were changed for the better.

Recommendations to Medical Personnel and Organizations providing GRS services:

These recommendations, in conjunction with the evaluations I gave earlier in this post, can be used by those who provided me with services and any others who are either currently providing similar services or are looking to do so.

To Dr. Leis in particular: you have trained other surgeons who have gone on to start their own practices.  That is commendable as you recognize that there is plenty of demand for transgender related surgeries.  My hope is that for patients who will come in the future is that you will train a surgeon to join you in your practice who has the potential to become as skilled as you, the ethics and curiosity to stay current with technique, and the heart to treat patients with the same level of care and concern as you do.  It would be a shame if the practice you have built so well does not remain and continue in the same vein after you are no longer able to perform surgery.

To surgeons in general: there is a template contained in my evaluations and recommendations on what it would take to be a top surgeon in general and a surgeon for a transgender practice in particular.  Every patient receiving any kind of medical service deserves the utmost in respect, and that includes the ability to deal tactfully at times when misunderstandings arise with patients.  But the need for respect is especially true for transgender patients.  As a group, we have been denigrated by sizable segments of our society and even been mistreated by an unconscionable segment of the medical community.  Many transgender patients report having been refused routine medical care and there are so many physicians who are prone to blame every malady we experience on the fact that we are transgender a sarcastic name was coined for it: “trans broken arm syndrome.”  http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/07/09/feature-the-dangers-of-trans-broken-arm-syndrome/

To the next generation of surgeons: I make a shocking recommendation.  Put yourselves out of a job!  Or rather, follow the progress of the use of adult stem cells and research in these areas and adapt your practice as bioengineered stem cells taken from the bodies of your patients can be used in many ways as a less invasive alternative to surgery.  Currently MTF bottom surgery has limitations and FTM bottom surgery is even less adequate.  Uterine transplants have a high risk of rejection (the same thing that probably killed Lili Elbe).  But we are also seeing bioengineered adult stem cells grow new knee cartilage instead of a knee replacement operation and they are also being used to grow new ears.  In time, maybe 25-50 years, it is conceivable that similar use of stem cells will be able to transform endocrine systems and genitalia for transgender and intersex patients.

Jenna Bonneau

Gender related surgical and medical offices: As the doctors lead, so the office staff should be expected to follow.  It made a world of difference that Dr. Leis has hired efficient, effective and caring office personnel.  Carole and Jenna deal with needy (and sometimes verbose!) patients, insurance bureaucracies, and schedules that occasionally get blown apart by weather or people running late (whether the doctor or the patients).  And they get the job done.  The one thing I can’t stress the importance of enough is clear communications, especially when it comes to procedures: whether it is the patient’s schedule from arrival to hospitalization to recovery to release, or what is available and permissible in the recovery rooms including kitchen and bathroom, or post-surgical schedules, techniques and procedures.  Avoid only conveying some of the important information orally when related information has been conveyed in writing.  There is a danger in overwhelming a patient with too much information.  Therefore it needs to be in a format that is easily digested.  Even those of us from my generation have become used to the sound bite culture.  I have changed my blog posts and my communications with my clients to make them easier to read as much as possible.

Amenities: I would have preferred a professional “Mom” than the person who was provided for my benefit in the middle of my recovery.  Why a Mom?  A Mom is someone who is there when you arrive and is glad to see you.  She is there to make sure you are comfortable and that everything goes well while you are visiting.  In particular, she would tell you all about the TV remote and cable stations, the beds, the closets and dressers, what’s in the bathroom and in the kitchen and that some of the food left by other patients has been there a while.  She’ll let you know about the nearest grocery stores and pharmacies and other things that you and your caregivers might need to know.  She’ll also be there as you prepare to leave to make sure you get off on your journey well.  Like a Mom making sure a child in winter has their mittens and warm clothing, she’ll make sure you have all the things you are supposed to leave with (paperwork and supplies) and when the surgeon is coming to give you your final checkup before being released.  She’s not a caregiver.  She gives the caregivers the information they need to take better care of the patient.  And she would take a lot of the burden off the office staff.

Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men. – Proverbs 22:29

God bless,

Lois

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And Now For Something Completely Different … – Part IV

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answered prayer, AO Fox Hospital, Bala Cynwyd, balancing tasks, bathroom bills, blood test, cardiologist, curettage, Dr. Carolyn Wolf-Gould, Dr. Sherman Leis, early MTF transition, echocardiogram, EKG, estrogen, female, full schedule, Gender Reassignment Surgery, genital hair removal, genital size, God, God's will, GRS, identity, lab technician, MTF, multi-tasking, new technique, Oneonta NY, orchiectomy, painkiller, passing out, penile skin, personal gender, pubertal blockers, rename, sitting, standing, stress test, surgical risk, surgical technique, testicles, Transgender, undescended genitalia, urinalysis, urination, vaginoplasty

Fifty-four years later, prayers are answered

Sometimes God answers prayers with a yes.  He also has a couple of different ways of saying no.  One is, “No, I love you too much to give you that.”  Another is, “No, because I have something better in store for you.”

And then there’s the one most of us heard at some point in our childhood: “You’re too young now; maybe when you’re older.”  Of course, there is no maybe with the Lord.  He knows whether it will be a yes or a no.  But after all, we are His children.  And sometimes we do need to wait until we are older.

American girls – 1960’s style

I recognized my female identity when I was seven.  It didn’t become problematic until I was around age 10 or 11.  I was at that age that I started to pray that I would wake up with a girl’s body (an interesting prayer, since I still didn’t know what a naked girl’s body looked like).  And it was soon after that time that I renamed myself.  After all, if I trusted that God grants prayer requests, I needed to be prepared with a girl’s name to tell people.

Renaming wasn’t new to me.  By that age, I had heard the story of the younger sibling of a girl in my brother’s grammar school class.  When this sibling was born, the gender assigned at birth was female.  The child was given a female name and raised as a girl.  At some point in time before the sibling started school, the sibling started to complain about severe pains in the abdominal area.

When the doctors did their examination, it was found that this child was really a male who was born with genitalia that didn’t descend out of the body: therefore the female appearance at birth.  After surgery was performed to correct the problem, the child’s first name was masculinized and was now raised as a boy.  And by the time I was ten, I heard about this event.

(As a side note, some of the so-called “bathroom bills” aimed at restricting transgender people from using the bathroom that corresponds with their personal gender identity would require this person and others like him to use the women’s bathroom in public places.  Why?  Because his initial birth certificate identified him as female and that is one of the criteria in these bills for assigning the bathroom to use.  The result: a very masculine person in all other regards breaking the law if he uses the men’s bathroom in public.)

But back to my story: although the battle over dental insurance was ongoing, things had quieted down on the GRS front.  My hair removal was proceeding on schedule and by September, virtually all the dark hairs were removed.  I was ready for my pre-surgery visit with Dr. Sherman Leis on September 13, 2017.  This was where the rubber would truly meet the road.

One of the sobering parts of the meeting is the reading of the long list of possible risks of the surgery.  Some of them were minor and some were rare.  One or two risks were so rare that Dr. Leis said that he had never seen a case or heard of a case of it occurring.  Nevertheless, it was part of the list.  I was glad that death was not on the list.  I took a breath and signed a copy of the list that indicated that I had heard and received a copy.

One of the things that impressed me was that my surgeon stays current on technique.  If I understood him in terms of the time frame, he had learned a significantly new surgical technique compared to what he was using when I had seen him for the initial consult on 11/30/16.  Previously, after the orchiectomy (removal of the testicles), the remaining genitalia was completely removed.  To complete the vaginoplasty, the penile skin is sewn back in.  The surgical scar would roughly be in the shape of the letter “O”.

With the new technique, the remaining penile skin is not completely removed.  At the top of the genital area (i.e. the part furthest from the anus), the penile skin is left attached to the rest of the body.  Anything that needs to be done can be done from that position, but not as many nerves are detached and there continues to be a flow of blood into the penile skin at all times.  This new procedure reduces risk, such as risk of necrosis, and aids in healing the surgical area.  With this procedure, the surgical scar is roughly in the shape of the letter “U”.

Of course, I had some questions.  Someone in the transgender community asked me if Dr. Leis “scraped” (technical term: curettage) to remove any stray or gray hairs.  He said that he did not do so because penile skin is very thin and delicate and curettage tends to be harmful to it.  He would remove any stray and gray hairs with a needle (the only painless form of electrology, presuming the patient is totally knocked out on general anesthesia!).  He might have described it as a form of cauterization, but my memory may be less accurate on the term.

I also wanted to know why he hadn’t asked to examine my genital area.  Other trans women I had read about who either were post-op or were in the process had been examined to make sure they had sufficient depth without resorting to additional procedures.  Dr. Leis asked me I had a normal sex life and if my genitals had developed normally (i.e. not a micro penis or inhibited by using blockers from an early age).  When I responded in the affirmative, he told me that size would not be an issue.  (This can be an issue, however, for those who start their transition these days at a young age and go on pubertal blockers and then start on estrogen to block the effect of testosterone on their body.)

During the visit, we also discovered that I had a gap in coverage during the first two days after I left the hospital.  I could have sworn I was told that I would be in the hospital for five to seven days after the surgery.  It turns out that I was told (I found it later in my notes) that I would be released after three days.  I generally have a very good memory.  The only explanation I can think of is that I read about someone else going through GRS who was going to be released after 5-7 days (or who had that experience).

In some ways it didn’t matter.  None of the people who would be taking care of me for the 11-12 days after my release from the hospital were available for those two extra days.  (In the end the first person taking care of me rearranged her schedule, at a financial cost to her, to come a day earlier, so I was only basically on my own for one day.)  I tried a number of avenues, but another person could not be found who was willing and available to help.  More on my experience in a later post.

I left Bala Cynwyd with two scrips: one for a heavy-duty painkiller that could only be filled in PA.  I held onto that rather than carry around the painkillers for three weeks.  I would fill it the day before the surgery.  The other scrip was for medical tests: blood work, urinalysis and an EKG.

At this point, I was doing my best to balance my preparations for my GRS, my teeth issues and the needs of my clients.  Looking (unsuccessfully) for someone to cover the first two days after the hospital and the pre-op tests added two more items to my plate.

Model with glasses

Knowing that I was losing Medicaid soon, I also had my first eye exam in nearly three years and got new glasses.  I was following up to find out what happened to my school tax credit (STAR program).  I needed to sign up for a Medicare supplement program.  I was searching for an oral surgeon who had appointments available before I lost my dental insurance.  And I needed to keep track of the schedule of weaning myself off of various medications and supplements prior to GRS.

I went in for the blood and urine testing on September 21 (no appointment required) and scheduled the EKG for the following day.  It was almost too late.

The testing brought me back in contact with one of my favorite people at the local hospital a quarter mile from where I live.  In the past, I have had major problems with giving blood.  The first time was in April 1981 when New York required a blood test to get a marriage license.  It was not a big deal to me.  My dad gave blood regularly at work and it was a matter of fact thing and satisfying thing for him to help others in this way.

I went into the lab that day with my fiancé, had the blood taken, had the juice and the cookie, and then went outside with my fiancé.  We were talking about the rest of our day.  The next thing I knew, I was back inside, sitting down and feeling very woozy.  Without warning, I had crumpled onto the sidewalk, leaving my fiancé perplexed as to what to do next: run inside of help and leave me there or try to drag me inside.

So I knew I had a history of passing out by the time I had a blood test a few years ago when Dr. Carolyn Wolf-Gould became my primary physician.  Now blood work was a big deal to me.  Then I met the lab technician at the hospital.  On her office door, she had a child’s drawing of a vampire.  A woman who I would guess to be in her late 40’s or early 50’s (warning: I’m not very good at estimating ages), her hair was dyed blue, green and black.  It was so different that it helped put me at ease.  When I saw her pulling out one vial after another, I joked with her, asking if she was going to leave me with any blood.  She joked back, “A little.”  Still I warned her about my past problems and she took the blood with me lying down on a gurney.

That was the last time I needed the gurney.  Maybe my metabolism is slowing down.  Maybe it’s the effect of the estrogen.  (I was quite chagrined when I learned that young males are far more likely than women to pass out after giving blood.)  Maybe this technician has gotten me so relaxed that I no longer have a problem, even when she isn’t the one taking the blood.

So it was time for blood work again.  But first, my body was telling me to give the urine sample.  It was primed and ready, locked and loaded.  I went into the privacy of the bathroom and faced a decision.  Although I didn’t have to, ever since I knew it was likely that I would transition, I have sat down to urinate.  (The only exception was when I was still wearing men’s clothes and no stalls were available at the Penn Station men’s room.)  I knew it would be much more difficult to give the urine sample sitting down.  So (presumably) one final time in my life, I peed standing up.

It is also worth mentioning that in my head and heart, I knew that GRS was the right thing for me.  But was it God’s will for me?  Even if God does not have a problem with this surgery in general, that doesn’t necessarily mean it was right for me.  With these tests coming up and the surgery less than a month away, I went to the Lord and prayed that if I had been dull of hearing and ignored the Lord telling me not to go forward with the surgery, that He would intervene and do something to stop it.  And for a while, it looked like that might be the case.

My EKG – September 2017

The UA and blood work results came back and there was nothing in them to prevent the surgery.  The EKG was another matter.  I had never had or felt any problems with my heart.  No one in my immediate family has had heart problems.  I had one uncle on my mother’s side who suffered a heart attack, but no one else among my grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins that I knew of.  But the EKG came back with some irregular readings.  I would need an echocardiogram and a stress test before I could be cleared for surgery.

This created a new problem.  Time was growing short and we were also running into the Jewish holidays.  A stress test must be administered by a cardiologist and I didn’t have one.  And many of the doctors in my area are Jewish.  I couldn’t get the stress test done at my local hospital without first establishing a relationship with a cardiologist on staff or with residency privileges there.

Instead, I had to drive two and three quarter hours each way to the hospital upstate with which Dr. Carolyn is affiliated.  At 7 AM on a cold October 2 morning, watching the news coverage of the Las Vegas shooting, I waited to have my tests.  I drove up the afternoon before, not wanting to leave at 4 AM (or worse, oversleep and miss my appointment).  Fortunately I had some rewards points to lower the cost of the motel room.  Between the alarm and a wakeup call, I got up in plenty of time.  Instead of 165 minutes, it was a five minute drive.

I learned that I need to go back to the gym.  I was breathing heavy after the stress test, but that was in part because I couldn’t really get the hang of a treadmill. I never have.  But my recovery time was a lot faster than two men I had seen take the test before me.  I learned that I have some minor valve problems, yet nothing serious enough to prevent the surgery.  I took this as an indication that God had answered yes.  This was above and beyond the promises He makes to His people.  Even so, every good gift and every perfect gift comes from Him. (James 1:17)  But the extra tests and travel took one more day away from me as I finished up one more client’s tax return and tried to get final planning and packing done for the two weeks I would be away in Bala Cynwyd.

Finally, October 4 arrived.  It was time to do my last minute list checking and packing.  Mid-afternoon, I called Dr. Leis’s office to let them know I was just about to leave.  A short while later, I brought the last items to my car and began to drive to Bala Cynwyd for the third time.  After years of waiting, wondering and almost losing hope, surgery was T minus 17 hours and counting.  This was it.  This was really it.

For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us. – 2^nd Corinthians 1:20

God bless,

Lois

And now, a rebuttal of one of Dr. McHugh’s supporters

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Anorexia, authentic, BDD, believed, biased studies, biological construct, brain sexuality, Chester Schmidt, children, cure, Dana Beyer, delusional, denial, feelings, feminine, FTM, GCS, Gender Identity, Gender Identity Clinic, gender incongruence, gender non-binary, genitalia, GRS, how others see us, human brain, identity, in utero differentiation, Intersex, John Money, Johns Hopkins Hospital, Johns Hopkins News-Letter, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Jon Meyer, Karolinska Institute, knowledge, male-female spectrum, masculine, mental health, MTF, obsession, Paul McHugh, peer review, persistence, physical body, physical features, presentation, real life test, rejection, Schizophrenia, science, sexual differentiation, SRS, success rates, transformation, Transgender, transgender discrimination, Transition, Transsexual, unbiased studies, Wall Street Journal, wrongness

Nearly two years ago, I wrote a rebuttal to a Wall Street Journal Op Ed piece by Dr. Paul McHugh. It continues to be one of the most frequent search items and reads on my site. About two weeks ago, someone supportive of Dr. McHugh posted a comment worthy of reply. And reply I have!

Here is the unedited comment. The link to my original post is contained in the first line:

Marshall commented on My rebuttal to Dr. Paul McHugh’s Wall Street Journal Op Ed

On June 12, 2014, an Op Ed article by Dr. Paul McHugh was highly critical of the prevailing trends in the treatment protocols …

You say: …”why 25% of those tracked in the Vanderbilt and Portman studies would persist in having transgender ‘feelings’. Could it be that the subjects know who they are?”

It’s far more likely that, as with other psychiatric conditions like Anorexia, the “feelings” are simply wrong. There’s no reason to believe transgender is different from the numerous other conditions whose root symptom is the same: a mental rejection of the physical reality. This is a huge problem for the “transgender as identity” movement and why it relies on emotion-based justifications like the one you make that the earnestness and “realness” of the transgender “identity” separates it from other delusional conditions. Yet patents with other conditions like BDD and schizophrenia are just as convinced that their perception is absolutely real. Transgender has no corner on realness.

Moreover, the thought that someone can actually know what the other gender feels like makes no more sense than someone knowing what another species feels like because you can’t experience something you aren’t. Whatever experience there is is entirely the result of BEING that thing, not imagining it.

Whether SRS is better than psychotherapy or hormone therapy or a combination… science just doesn’t have enough data for consensus, but again – when transgender is viewed in the light of similar delusional conditions, the idea of altering the physical body to fit the mental perception is dangerous. You wouldn’t indulge an Anorexic by administering liposuction. SRS has severe drawbacks and potential complications and is the only treatment that’s essentially irreversible. Science doesn’t yet have a cure for transexual – there may not even be one – we just don’t know. But the lack of a cure doesn’t mean SRS is the best treatment, nor that those who recommend against it like Dr. McHugh are out to get transexuals. Someone truly interested in helping transexuals accepts the science over the emotion.

Finally, brain studies do nothing to refute the fact that gender is purely a biological construct. Schizophrenics, Anorexics and people with BDD all have have been shown to have brain abnormalities which, while potentially valuable in assisting treatment, don’t substantiate the reality of their delusions.

And here is my reply:

Hi Marshall,

First of all, your comparison of transgender to anorexia (or the more general BDD) shows how little you understand the nature of transgender.  No matter how thin anorexics become, even to the point of skin and bones, they remain obsessed with losing weight.  Many will continue to see themselves as overweight even when dangerously underweight.

Transgender people, on the other hand, are all too aware of the reality of our bodies. Some of us may loathe them, but we acknowledge them.  Often, we go the opposite direction and enhance the features of the gender assigned at birth in an effort to cure.  For example, an MTF will grow facial hair and/or develop a muscular, athletic build.  That is totally opposite what an anorexic would do.  It is totally opposite what your assertion would predict.

We are under no delusion as to what our faces look like, how much hair we have, what our breasts look like and what our genitalia is comprised of.  That knowledge is very real and accurate.  And whatever each one of us chooses to do, we do it knowing that the physical transformation isn’t perfect.  But it almost always helps. 

What we attempt to do is deny our mental reality, not our physical one.  But if we live long enough, that attempt will inevitably be in vain.  Furthermore, once we reach the point where we begin physical transformation to our innate gender identity, it is a rare case when we don’t reach a point of relative satisfaction.  Yes, we have the common human trait of wanting to look attractive to others.  But obsession with continually becoming more feminine (in the case of an MTF) or more masculine (in the case of an FTM) is rare and it isn’t a trait confined to transgender people.  We have certainly read of cisgender people who undergo surgery after surgery to look like Barbie or Ken or their favorite movie star.

Transgender isn’t so much a matter of our body being wrong, but our conviction that our minds are right.  Yes, we transform for our own sense of what we want to look like.  But just as much, we transform so that others will identify us consistent with the person we are inside.  It isn’t enough that I know that I am female. I want others to see me as female, too.  Fortunately for me, that seems to be how everyone sees me.

In my case, I was in denial of how feminine (or at least androgynous) I was in appearance.   As to how attractive I am, others may judge (my Links page has a link to my Flickr page).  But when I tell people that one of my reasons why I waited so long to transition was concern that I couldn’t look female enough, most of them are incredulous.

I also find your argument on this point somewhat disingenuous.  First of all, if we didn’t transform physically at all (at least in our presentation), the authenticity of our gender identity would be severely questioned.  Second, many people in our culture are unhappy with their appearance and go to various lengths to do something about it: everything from diet and exercise, to body sculpting and body building to plastic surgery to supplements (ranging from the mild to the extreme).  When people do these things in a healthy way, there is nothing wrong with it.  When it becomes an obsession or is taken to an extreme, then there is indication of a psychological issue.  Similarly, some obsessive people may be transgender, but most transgender people are not obsessive about appearance.

To compare transgender brains with schizophrenic brains, as you then proceed to do, is not only disingenuous, it is insulting.  The brain abnormalities in schizophrenics include significantly lower amounts (up to 25% less) of gray matter, particularly in the temporal or frontal lobes, and significantly lower levels of activation in the middle frontal cortex and the inferior parietal cortex compared to mentally healthy people.  It is these abnormal deficiencies that cause the problems that schizophrenics have with hallucinations and dealing with reality.

On the other hand, the so-called abnormality of transgender brains is that various studies have shown that transgender people tend to have brains more like their innate gender than their gender assigned at birth.  But these brains all lie within a male-female spectrum.  So unless you are claiming that either male brains or female brains are somehow deficient or diseased in and of themselves, your argument doesn’t bear up to scrutiny.

You state that it is not possible for someone of one gender to know what the other gender feels.  On face value, I can accept that statement for the sake of discussion. But then you take it someplace beyond facts in evidence.  You have made the assumption that every person’s gender identity must automatically be consistent with their genital anatomy, and that anything else is “wrong”.  What is this based on?  How do you propose to prove this to be so? 

You are aware, are you not, that the brain and the genitalia are differentiated at different stages of fetal development?  Why is it so difficult to conceive of the possibility that in a small percentage of cases, the baby received predominantly testosterone at one of those stages and predominantly estrogen at another?  And if anatomy automatically determines gender identity, then what gender are Intersex people?  Are they automatically non-binary?  Some are and some aren’t.  Are they automatically consistent with the predominant characteristics?  Some are and some aren’t.  What about people who have both XX and XY?  What about people who have neither?  What do you do with people who suffer from various hormone based syndromes?  The bottom line is this: how can you judge the wrongness of someone’s gender identity without knowing either their physical or mental situation?

True, I have no idea what the other gender feels like.  That “other gender” for me is the male gender.  By virtue of having spent a great deal of time in men’s only spaces (athletic team locker rooms, college dorms, men’s ministry meetings, men’s bathrooms), I have a pretty good idea of what men are likely to do.  But I have little clue as to why they do things the way they do and how it feels for them when they do it.  I generally felt like an interloper at men only gatherings, but I am now right at home in women’s Bible study or women’s only social gatherings. 

Now as far as your statement about lack of evidence: seriously?  I can easily find at least hundreds of people who transitioned to live a successful, satisfying life in their innate gender.  Undoubtedly many more are successfully living post-transition out of the public eye.  And in the 2011 Karolinska Institute study that Dr. McHugh misconstrues, he blithely ignored the preponderance of patient satisfaction with the results of transition that includes surgery.  Isn’t that one of the goals of treatment, that the patients are satisfied with the results?  Furthermore, he totally ignored the Institute’s conclusion: inadequate follow up care for post-GCS transgender patients impedes progress in their post-operative mental and emotional health.

Meanwhile, where is the parade of transgender people who have been “cured” by methods espoused by Dr. McHugh?  Surgery as a possible treatment for transgender people is no more than 85 years old and extremely rare until 50 years ago.  For the vast majority of that time, most mental health professionals were treating transgender patients in the general manner endorsed by Dr. McHugh: psychotherapy and pharmacology to attempt to rid the patient of their transgenderism.  And there are still doctors using these methods.  Where are there success stories?  Surely they aren’t all in stealth mode.  There should be thousands more than those reported by those who transition to their innate gender.  Their absence shows that there was no significant success with these methods when they were the mainstream practice and there is no significant success with these methods now.

For a moment, let’s imagine we are talking cancer rather than transgender.  If faced with two possible treatments, one with a success rate comparable to those who physically transform in some way, shape or form, the other with a success rate comparable to methods espoused by McHugh and others who still follow that methodology, you would be a fool not to choose or recommend the first method in a heartbeat.  And I will tell you unequivocally that if social stigma against transgender people was a thing of the past, that success rate would soar much higher.

We now have two studies, one in Ontario and the other in the State of Washington, that show a high correlation of life success for transitioning youth with a high degree of parental support.  If transgender were merely a delusion, should such a correlation exist?  In fact, shouldn’t supporting a delusion be more harmful?  That’s what you and McHugh are claiming, no?

And we now have a better grasp of why many gender variant youths revert back to their birth-assigned gender.  Those who are exploring and experimenting with gender roles before puberty overwhelmingly tend to revert.  But those who prior to puberty know with confidence that their innate gender identity is incongruent with their genitalia overwhelmingly tend to persist in their transgender identity for life.  But when you lump the two groups together to get a larger sample size, it gives the erroneous impression that most transgender children revert and that there is no predictor of which children will persist.  The experimenters and explorers should not be considered part of the transgender population.

I can accept that gender is purely a biological construct: once we factor in that the human brain is an organ and biological part of the human body.  In fact, it could be reasonably argued that the brain to be the most significant sexual organ in the body.  Where do attraction, desire and arousal begin, in the genitals or in the brain?

Furthermore, if transgender gender identities were so “wrong” and “delusional”, then one could not expect to find very many successful post-transitional transgender people, certainly few who could handle careers that call for mental acuity.  And yet there are many transgender people who are college professors in both the arts and sciences, many who have high level positions (and some with PhD’s) in STEM fields, high ranking military officers, airplane pilots, financial professionals, salespeople, successful entrepreneurs, high ranking government officials, attorneys, medical doctors, architects, and the list goes on.  (My professional and personal accomplishments were mentioned in my original blog post about Dr. McHugh’s Op Ed, and can also be found on my LinkedIn page.)  Considering the discrimination that most of us faced during and after transition, this is a remarkable list.

Marshall, you keep going back to basing gender identity on feelings rather than knowledge.  So how do you know your gender identity?  (For the sake of the post, I am going to assume that Marshall is male name with apologies if I have misgendered Marshall.  I ask that when this section is read, the reader substitute the appropriate gender term for their situation.)  Do you feel male?  How do you know that is the way males feel in general?  Do you have discussions with other males at the golf course, bar, office, locker room or men’s organization meeting?  (I am trying to picture that discussion!  I’ve been in those types of situations many times and never once did I witness such a discussion.)

Or do you assume this is how males feel because of what you see when you look between your legs and because your parents, teachers, etc. told you that you are a boy and you blindly accepted it?  Or perhaps you answered a series of questions as part of a test (if such a test exists) to accurately assess your gender and it came out “male”.  If such a test existed, I took it and it came out “female” would you then accept my female gender identity as genuine?

Well, I can offer a test: the real life test.  I have been presenting as the female that I know myself to be for a little over 3½ years now.  I have dealt with four distinct test groups: those who knew me before transition; those who I met after transition to whom I have come out; those who only know me as Lois to whom I have not come out; strangers in public.

The vast majority (sometimes 100%) of every one of these groups see me as female.  I have had no negative moments from strangers.  People who have been willing to stay in my life accept me as female, although some had to overcome their prejudices first.  About 30 people who I have come out to in my new church accept me as female, as well as the dozens more who I have not come out to.  More than physical characteristics are involved here, although they help.  But it is also mannerisms, speech patterns, body language, fashion sense, comportment and a host of little things that clue a person as to whether they are dealing with someone male or female.  I am successful and happy over an extended time period.

Even more important, mentally living as a female is authentic and relatively effortless compared to having tried to act like a guy for decades.  For the most part I pulled off the charade and no one ever accused me of being effeminate.  But inside, it was often a struggle to be something I’m not.

In my previous blog post, I never accused Dr. McHugh of being out to get transsexuals or transgender people.  What I accuse him of is having an agenda, for whatever his reason, and that it leads to bad science.  A neutral scientist will seek to test a hypothesis by designing an experiment or study that is as unbiased as possible to come up with a valid result and then having it peer reviewed.  McHugh is on record as having sought his position at Johns Hopkins in part so that he could shut down the Gender Identity Clinic.  He promoted a study that would produce the desired result. 

I now quote from the Johns Hopkins News-Letter, a story written by Rachel Witkin on May 1, 2014:

In 1979, SBCU [Sexual Behaviors Consultation Unit] Chair Jon Meyer conducted a study comparing 29 patients who had the surgery and 21 who didn’t, and concluded that those who had the surgery were not more adjusted to society than those who did not have the surgery. Meyer told The New York Times in 1979: “My personal feeling is that surgery is not proper treatment for a psychiatric disorder, and it’s clear to me that these patients have severe psychological problems that don’t go away following surgery.”

After Meyer’s study was published, Paul McHugh, the Psychiatrist-in-Chief at Hopkins Hospital who never supported the University offering the surgeries according to [Chester] Schmidt, shut the program down.

Meyer’s study came after a study conducted by [John] Money, which concluded that all but one out of 24 patients were sure that they had made the right decision, 12 had improved their occupational status and 10 had married for the first time. [Dana] Beyer believes that officials at Hopkins just wanted an excuse to end the program, so they cited Meyer’s study.

…

A 1979 New York Times article also states that not everyone was convinced by Meyer’s study and that other doctors claimed that it was “seriously flawed in its methods and statistics and draws unwarranted conclusions.”

However, McHugh says that it shouldn’t be surprising that Hopkins discontinued the surgeries, and that he still supports this decision today. He points to Meyer’s study as well as a 2011 Swedish study that states that the risk of suicide was higher for people who had the surgery versus the general population.

…

Beyer, however, cites a study from 1992 that shows that 98.5 percent of patients who underwent male-to-female surgery and 99 percent of patients who underwent female-to-male surgery had no regrets.

“It was clear to me at the time that [McHugh] was conflating sexual orientation and the actual physical act with gender identity,” Beyer said.

As I stated in my previous post, it is also clear that McHugh errs horribly by comparing the histories of transgender patients with the general population.  The comparison is invalid due to the overwhelming prejudice that we face in society.  Marshall, try living for a couple of years with what most out transgender people face: higher murder victim rates, higher victim of violence rates, rampant job discrimination, significantly higher incidence of UIT’s because most of us rather “hold it in” than risk using public bathrooms, significant rates of discrimination in basic health care including outright refusal to provide any care at all (2% of transgender people report having been assaulted at medical facilities), frequent rejection by family, frequent rejection by one’s faith community … I submit that it is a testimony to the mental health and strength of transgender people that so many of us have achieved any success at all after transitioning to live in our innate gender.  Yet we have achieved far more than the bare minimum.

You say that “science doesn’t yet have a cure for transexual [sic]”. The evidence is in and mounting. We don’t need a cure. We just need to be believed. 

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. – Psalm 126:5

God bless,

Lois

 

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Dear Ms. Caitlyn Jenner

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English: The Tappan Zee Bridge as seen in Tarrytown, NY (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve never met Caitlyn.  But we have a lot in common.  We both identify as female, transgender, Christian and politically conservative on a number of issues.  We both spent a significant portion of our respective childhoods within a few miles of the Tappan Zee Bridge (I was on the opposite shore from her).  And since I am only three years younger than Caitlyn, some of that time was concurrent (from November 1960 to the summer of 1963, according to my calculations, based on when my family moved there and Caitlyn’s family moving to Connecticut after her freshman year of high school).

We share a love of sports.  I lettered in four sports in high school.  However, it was a very small prep school and the only way my career in sports would continue was because I became the manager for the track & field and cross country teams at a Division One university (Cornell) with an excellent program for over a century in those sports.  While I had some evidence of athletic ability, it came in a body that was considerably more compact.

In fact, there was most likely only one degree of separation between us before she came out in public.  That is because as team manager, I met one of Jenner’s teammates on the 1972 Olympic track team and also had a nodding acquaintance with a former U.S. Olympian (Bob Kane) who would become the president of the U.S. Olympic Committee shortly after Jenner’s gold medal in 1976 Olympics.  And there are likely others in track & field circles that both of us know.

It seems that a lot of people are telling Caitlyn Jenner what she should and shouldn’t do.  I should think I have as much right to do so, if not more.  However, I have reached an age where I try not to tell anyone what to do; I only make suggestions.  And I admit that the suggestions I make to my tax clients are quite authoritative.

But I have no intention of sending a letter to her home to get intermingled with hundreds of other letters from fans and foes.  So I am posting it publicly.  If one of my blog readers or LinkedIn connections knows her personally and finds it worthy of passing along, so be it.

Dear Caitlyn,

After some downtime, you are finding your way back into the news again.  Criticism of you by people who are hostile to transgender people is to be expected.  But much criticism also comes from others within the transgender community.  Is it warranted?

Let’s start with something that was unquestionably positive for the transgender community: your contact of South Dakota Governor Dennis Daugaard regarding recent legislation that would have discriminated against trans youth.  Did your voice play a part in paving the way for the Governor, who admitted never having knowingly met a transgender person, to remedy that omission?  Did that in turn help lead to his eventual veto?  I’m sure it did.

What about your meeting with Pastor Ed Young, a prime mover in the defeat of the HERO bill in Houston last November?  You prayed with him and while that is always a blessing in general, hopefully the pastor could see the Holy Spirit in you as you prayed together and in your conversation as well.  But it also gave you the opportunity to share how hateful the pastor’s trans hostile videos have been.  Someone well battle-tested on the front lines of our struggle, Kate Bornstein, gave you kudos for that.

Yes, it is important to meet with others in the transgender community (and our allies) to continue to get educated on who we are as individuals and as a group.  But what progress do we make if we only meet with each other.  Only Nixon could go to China.  Only Kirk could negotiate a peace treaty with the Klingons.  I’ve made a positive impact with many (not all) Christians in my little corner of the globe.  But so far, there are only so many I can reach.

1976 Summer Olympics (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Caitlyn, please keep some things in mind.  First of all, there is only so much any one person can do.  I know that you were remarkably consistent in your decathlon scores, but you were able to train for those both physically and with technique.  Training to live as a woman in real life, undoing a lifetime of habits, is many times more difficult.  Plus the available coaching is far more rudimentary than anything you would have received in preparation for Montreal 1976.

Second, you are not alone in the work.  There are many others out here as well.  You don’t have to become exactly like them, but you also want to be careful about acting at cross purposes with them.

But most of all, Caitlyn, you don’t even have a year living full-time as you.  And with your lifestyle and opportunities, in some ways you have experienced less than most of us.  (Make note of Renee Richards’ hindsight about how unrealistic it was for her to spend her one year life experience by taking a cruise to Italy, living for a while in a real life Fellini movie and then tooling around western Europe in a sports car, before losing her nerve in Morocco on the steps of the hospital – twice.) Ten months ago, immediately after watching Diane Sawyer interview you, my biggest concern was that you still wouldn’t be you.  You know how to be a feted celebrity.  You’ve been there and done that forty years ago. But do you know how to be Caitlyn Jenner?  Make sure you treat yourself to the time you need to find out, away from the cameras, the banquets and even your entourage sometimes.

And this brings me to your remarks about Ted Cruz.  I am acknowledging up front that there are people who read the headlines and went nuclear without reading anything else that you said on the subject.  (Headline writers provoke more than inform.)  Indeed you acknowledge that Sen. Cruz has one of the worst records on trans issues when viewed by the transgender community.  What you don’t acknowledge is how unlikely it would be for Cruz or most Republicans today to be willing to even consider having a liaison with the transgender community.   When he met you prior to coming out, Cruz treated you as an Olympic gold medalist and sports hero.  As a little boy, he may have even idolized you on the front of the Wheaties box.  There is no reason to expect he will treat you so kindly now.

I truly understand the dilemma you face politically.  What do you do when the politicians and party whose values you tend to agree with on a broad range of issues: a) see people like us as moral deviants at best and part of the vanguard of end times wickedness at worst; b) refuse to believe our testimonies that this is who we are and have always known ourselves to be with respect to gender, and who continue to insist that we have made an immoral choice; c) don’t believe we have the right to enjoy the same rights and freedoms as the rest of society enjoys: protection from job discrimination; proper medical care consistent with the findings of the American Medical Association and American Psychiatric Association; the ability to make life choices consistent with our innate gender identity; the right to safety; d) actively campaign to take away our recently-won rights (not special rights, just the “unalienable” right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness)?

Some have quoted you (or perhaps assumed) that you believe that Republicans are better on transgender issues than Democrats are.  Later articles appear to have corrected that misquote, and you admit that Democrats are more favorable on trans issues.  So I am going to take it that the latter is true for you.  But I will share that when I first read the former, my impulse was that you needed to name names.  Just who are these supportive Republicans?

Then I remembered that the Log Cabin Republicans claim to advocate on behalf of transgender individuals, not just lesbians, gays and bisexuals.  So I went to their website.  I looked at their recent initiatives.  I looked through their press releases.  They congratulated you for coming out during the Diane Sawyer interview.  Since then, keeping in mind all the transgender oriented legislation and votes that have been in play since then in places like Houston and South Dakota, they have been totally silent on transgender issues.  It has been disappointing to say the least.

On the one hand, it is good to have a positive attitude and a belief that you can make a difference in Christian and politically conservative circles.  But while there is no crime in being naïve, it is not helpful to overestimate the speed with which you will be able to change hearts.  You have strengths: a warm, likable personality, a record of achievement that few people can match and access to channels that most of us will never come close to having.  But on the negative side, your association with Kardashian reality television and continuing with that format to some extent on your own show makes it easy for some people to dismiss you as a publicity hound.

Caitlyn, I know you have heard much of this before from many sources.  But you may not have heard it from a source who is similar to you in as many ways as I am: transgender, MTF, Christian, conservative, background in track and field (and athletics in general), and raised in the Lower Hudson Valley.  You and I understand how much work there needs to be done on transgender in the Christian and politically conservative communities.  At the same time, we are not willing to write them off as hopeless.

I have more that I could say to you, but I’d prefer to convey it privately, if indeed you should grace me with a personal contact.  Contact can be initiated through my blog or contact information on my LinkedIn page.

Caitlyn, I am in the habit of closing out my blog posts with scripture.  This verse is on a monthly prayer calendar for a Christian ministry I am associated with.  It is a perfect admonition from the Lord to leave you with.

Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. – Psalm 37:5

God bless,

Lois

It’s Great to be Heard

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In November 1991, a dear brother in Christ introduced me to the worldwide ministry that I have been associated with for most of my life since then.  Ken is still alive in his late 80’s and to my surprise and delight, remains in my corner to this day.  I visit him and his wife as often as I can and we either go out to eat together or share a meal at their table.  Early on, Ken and Dolores became my spiritual parents, seeing that I was a relatively new believer at the time.

As Ken got older, I became aware of a standard greeting he would have.  Whether it was me or someone else, we would often say hello with a familiar “It’s good to see you, Ken.”  Invariably, his reply would be, “It’s good to be seen.”  With advancing age, you grow in appreciation of each day the Lord has given you.

Having recently watched Joy Ladin’s TED talk based on Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I a Woman” speech, and mindful that it was Joy who suggested I start this blog, it brought to mind that when you are part of a marginalized group, it is also good to be heard.  Joy provided a major encouragement to come out of my planned stealth mode after I took the bold step of transitioning to live full-time as a woman in November 2012.  Here was a person whose memoirs had been published, who was giving interviews on NPR and had overcome barriers at an ultra-conservative bastion of gender norms: an Orthodox Jewish institution, Yeshiva University.  And she felt I had ideas and perspectives worthy of sharing with the world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0K2YvvQyEw (Link to Joy Ladin’s TED talk)

Since I started my blog, I have grown in confidence to share my views on LinkedIn, participate in a monthly meeting in my county that introduces and discusses transgender issues with cisgender professionals, speak to classes at two different colleges, and in November 2015 (there’s that month again!) speak at a TDOR observance (and post it on You Tube).  Aware that this has a double meaning for many of us in the transgender community, it is good to be read.  And it is good for my message to be heard.

Now there are many voices in the world, and in this Internet Age of You Tube, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, a multitude of sites on which to hear them.  Never before has most of the world had such access to those voices.  Let’s face it: many of those voices are not supportive of transgender people.  If that was not the case, Joy could concentrate on doing the things she loves: teaching, writing poetry and spending time with people near and dear to her.  It is the need to speak out against opposition and oppression that motivates Joy and others in the transgender community to divert precious time away from the things we love.

In her TED talk, Joy mentioned a couple of people who have spoken in opposition to her testimony of having a female gender identity.  As much as it saddens me, I have come to expect it from the extreme religious right-wing (even though I have not given up on changing hearts and opinions over time).  But it also hurts when other women (in particular, a portion of the feminist community) do not accept my identity as real and valid.

In part, Joy’s TED talk was in response to Elinor Burkett’s article in the Opinion section of the NY Times Sunday Review, titled “What Makes a Woman?”  Joy mentioned a woman with views representative of what has become known as Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERF).  Those of us who are MTF are told by this group that we have no right to define the meaning of “woman” because we have not endured periods, childbirth, or female socialization, while also having enjoyed male privilege for much of our life.  While being accused by the right-wing religionists of being effeminate sexual deviants, the radical feminists accuse us of male arrogance to think we can define who women are, be better women than “real” women, and invade women only spaces.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/07/opinion/sunday/what-makes-a-woman.html

Joy points out that like most of us who are MTF, we have paid a tremendous price to do what we are accused of by the TERF community.  We have given up any male privilege we might have had (and not all of us had it or wanted it), lost jobs, been rejected by immediate family and our places of worship, risked our health, depleted our savings and more.  And we did these things long before getting members of our community on the cover of Time and Vanity Fair, or receiving top modeling assignments.  We did it at a time of experimental surgeries (e.g. Lili Elbe), complete disassociation with our former life for most of us, mockery, denunciation, and worse.  Even today, we still face a disproportionate amount of murder, violence and harassment.  Quite a price to pay for so-called male arrogance (which, if we are truly female in spirit, we don’t possess in the first place), no?

Those of us who transitioned in adult life have finally gained authenticity, but we lost so much to get there.  Playing an assigned role, we lost our own selves, the life we would have led, and even experiencing periods and childbirth.  Just as the transgender community has a right to be heard, so does the TERF community.  But it grieves me that they don’t understand that MTF’s have lost far more than we may have gained by living a portion of our adult life as male.  For every MTF who has been successful in transition, dozens more are underemployed, bullied into suicide or murdered.  But even with those who have been successful, what price can be put on giving up being oneself for so long?

Here are two personal stories that happened to me recently that show what I lost and can never get back because I was assigned with a male gender at birth.  The first is serendipitous.

My hair stylist retired back in October.  She recommended the husband and wife team that she uses.  Through an amazing sequence of events, I found out that the wife was my classmate for three years in grammar school over 50 years ago.  After being grateful that I was accepted, not kicked out of the salon, I realized how little I knew about her and most of my female classmates at that age.  I remembered the names, but that was just about it, while I remember many details about the boys in my class.  I also remembered the scorn heaped by both boys and girls on the boys who tried to cross the gender line in any way.  To my loss, I learned quickly and stayed on the side assigned to me.

The second story is associated with my church.  During one of the Sundays in Advent, we had a service featuring the precious young children showing various things they had learned that year.  But what really caught my eye were the little girls (about age 6-8) doing timbrels.  They looked like they were having so much fun.  I remarked as such to the woman sitting next to me that day, a good friend who knows about my past.  She replied that it is a lot of fun, sort of like cheerleading with musical instruments.

My mind flashed back to June.  I was watching the graduation ceremony for new Salvation Army officers.  At one point, girls were doing timbrels.  Suddenly, some of the high-ranking women officers got up and started doing timbrels, too.  They all had such joy on their faces.  That day in December, I suddenly realized why.  They were remembering back to their girlhood and all the wonderful experiences they had.  I never can have those experiences.  But some people see people like me as being selfish and arrogant.  They don’t understand that what we have lost in life is irreplaceable: not what I define as female experience but what women and girls choose as female experience.

If trans women are guilty of male arrogance, how do you explain trans men?  Are they arrogant women claiming to be better men than cisgender males?  Are they redefining male identity?  Or are they, like anyone who is truly transgender, simply saying that this is who I am?  And who I am came before surgery, hormones or change in presentation.

As I was writing this, it occurred to me that there is another group that TERF’s cannot explain by their anti-transgender judgments: the young transgender children who have come forward to assert their true gender identity.  How much male privilege has a pre-school child experienced?  How are they demonstrating a motive to redefine female?  Would you go so far as to accuse these precious little ones of invading female only spaces?  And how do you explain the young trans masculine children?

One of the things that comforts me is knowing that Jesus also endured false accusations.  Here is one that is particularly relevant.

But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils. And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand? And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. – Matthew 12:24-27

The irony is that part of the feminist movement was a reaction to the stereotyping of women.  TERF’s do not see that they are just as guilty in stereotyping trans women.  Although trans women comprise a tiny percentage of the population, we are remarkably diverse in viewpoints, interests, gender roles and gender expression.  Like any group, we have honorable representatives and dishonorable ones.

Ultimately, I can only speak for myself.  There are only two who truly know my heart: me and God.  No one else knows the shame I once felt.  No one else knows the cost of the oil in my alabaster box.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ls8ZfeBmHA

And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster box of ointment, And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet,  would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on. There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most? Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged. And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head. Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet. My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment. Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven. And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also? And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace. – Luke 7:37-50

God bless,

Lois

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• Women of Ill Repute

Link to my TDOR message, plus two key passages added

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On Nov. 21, I spoke at a Transgender Day of Remembrance observance.  The theme of the message was “why is it always about bathrooms, when it should be about violence against transgender people.”

I have posted a “video” on You Tube, taking rudimentary audio and adding images to it.  It is the first video I have ever created.  Here’s the link:

https://youtu.be/xyg_XvwFzF8

The following passages have been added to the key Bible verse page of my blog:

Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off. – Isaiah 56:3-5

For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. – Romans 8:29

God bless,

Lois

 

A Look at the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference

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During the first week in June, I attended my first major transgender related conference.  (My first major transgender themed event occurred six weeks earlier at the gala ball sponsored by Femme Fever on Long Island.)

The Philadelphia Trans Health Conference brings together speakers to present topics, arranges panel discussions, provides space for vendors to display goods, services and other things of interest, provides venues for various artistic presentations, and schedules a handful of social event opportunities.  All these things, along with gender neutral bathrooms, are aimed specifically at the transgender community.

Besides the fact that it was the first time I had entered a bathroom with urinals in over 2½ years, there was something different about this conference that eluded me at first.  Then, it came to me: for the first time in my life, I was at a large gathering where not only were the majority of the people transgender, but the attendees spanned the entire spectrum of the TG community.  (At the gala ball, an overwhelming majority of those present appear as female and glam.  And support/social group meetings have been attended by only 3-25 people.)

One of the best things about the conference is that registration is totally free unless you are there for the professional track.  One still needs to budget food, lodging and transportation, of course.

The best personally affirming moments at the conference were when I received an ovation after I shared how I have reached the point where I no longer have a problem personally sharing my gender story with someone cisgender, and the couple of times people told me that they thought I was either an ally or there in support of a partner.  They were surprised when I told them that I was MTF transgender.  I am in no way ashamed any more of being trans, but it is always lovely to hear that I blend in so well with the general female population.

The first session I attended was “Empowering Older Trans Adults to Protect Their Rights”.  Here we learned about a number of efforts underway to provide needed protection for trans senior citizens.  One is to add LGBT to the Older Americans Act as a group needing extra protection and help.  In general, 1 in 4 trans people experience discrimination in housing.  An effort is being made to include transgender as a category covered by HUD non-discrimination policies.

It was mentioned that increased partisanship is bogging down new legislation, so most of the advances are coming through the executive branch.  The importance of surveying and gathering data from older trans adults was mentioned.  But it was also noted that there is difficulty in conducting these surveys because of small sample size and suspicion by some of the target group members.

Two websites of note were mentioned during this section of the session: www.lgbtagingcenter.org and www.sageusa.org. There is some overlap between these sites and organizations.  There is a White House survey available on the SAGE site.  To access it, you have to go to the “Advocacy” tab and click on “White House Conference on Aging”.  These conferences, which are held only once every ten years and help determine national aging policy, will be held this July.  So if you would like to take the survey, do it soon.  It took me about 15-20 minutes and provides an opportunity for you to share your thoughts and your story (short answers).  Even if your concerns about aging are not immediate and whatever your gender or sexual identity, your input is valid.

Because it is so important to share our stories, the last part of the session allowed us to do just that.  We paired off and told each other our stories based on one of three themes.  I chose “explain a time when you couldn’t be yourself.”  I started by describing how I have not been able to be myself in the Women’s Bible Study at my church, because most of the women attending have not known my story.  Praise the Lord, now they do.  And so when the next Bible study is held, employing godly discernment and discretion, I will be able to share times when my experience is relevant to the lesson being taught.  I won’t be taking over the study, but I will be making my contribution.

My partner for the exercise was a black transman from Montana.  He shared that his employer knows that he is trans.  Even so, I don’t want to say any more than that about him.  Just how many black transmen are there in Montana anyway?  More to the point, how isolated is he from the transgender community, from others like him, and from support services?

We were given one more website, one in which we can share our stories.  I went there and didn’t see many stories and I don’t know how many visitors there have been so far.  But if you are trans and have a story to tell yet do not want to go to the NY Times site, you might want to consider this one.  I haven’t put my story there yet, but hope to do so soon.

http://www.shareourtomorrow.org

On Thursday afternoon (right after I ate lunch, so fortunately there wasn’t much physical involvement by the attendees), I went to Self Defense, a beginner level workshop led by Elena Waldman (elenaselfdefense@yahoo.com).  From New York City, she is one fierce cisgender woman.

Because of my lack of size and plenty of time spent over the years in New York City (sometimes in less than desirable neighborhoods), I had probably been more conscious of safety than most transwomen while in male mode.  And I am even more conscious of it now.

Even so, knowing that we could not be taught any sophisticated techniques in 80 minutes, I was interested in what tips I could pick up.  I did learn a few things and was refreshed in other areas of knowledge.

Because any inaccuracy on my part could possibly endanger someone more than help them, I will let those of you interested in learning more on the topic to contact Ms. Waldman directly.

After that session, I went to something far less intense.  Gender Reel presented a mini film festival: three short videos that fit the 80 minute time frame (minus something about who Gender Reel is and time taken to give away a few t-shirts and posters).  One film was very campy.  The next one was a play within a video that described the lives of nine transwomen in New York City.  The last film dealt with violence against LGBT teens/young adults (specifically a younger transman) in London.  It also included a discriminatory attitude against transmen by a nurse.  I felt that the last one was the best of the three, but all were somewhat disappointing in quality.

My last session on Thursday was a panel discussion entitled “Age is Just a Number”.  While age presents challenges for all people, for transgender individuals, it can be even more challenging.  For those of us who transitioned late in life, we did not plan on living life in our target gender.  And we may have used up considerable resources to transition, resources no longer available for retirement years.

Those who transitioned at an earlier age are likely to have been too concerned with survival to do much planning for old age.  At times, the odds of even surviving to old age might have appeared to be slim.

Age can also be a relative thing in the TG community.  In some ways, it can represent how long it has been since a person transitioned.  It can also be cultural.  For transwomen of color, 40 can represent old age since so few make it to that age.

There are issues relating to sex, dating and relationships.  Those who transition late in life may experience sex in a new way for the first time.  It is not uncommon to see changes in sexual orientation in response.  And in addition to dealing with the same dating and relationship issues that cisgenders face, older trans people are very likely to stay with someone not good for them, simply because they are afraid they won’t find anyone else.  (This is something experienced by trans people of all ages.)

Older trans people are more likely to be isolated.  This makes a difficult time of life even more complicated and problematic.

Major concerns of older trans people:

• Loneliness
• Discrimination issues
• What will happen if it is medically advisable to adjust HRT levels downward
• Health insurance coverage, especially for those on Medicare (necessary services may not match one’s gender marker)
• Poor job skills and education for those whose income potential faded when youth did
• Dealing with medical practitioners who tend to blame any of our medical problems on being trans.
• Not being able to complete transition when other major health issues arise
• Burial rights (will our families bury us under our preferred name and gender)
• Failure to have a will or leave final instructions
• Bereavement for those who have seen many trans friends die.

The first session I attended on Friday was the “Out Late Discussion”.  Aimed at those who have recently taken steps to transition at age 40 or older, the attendees filled three sheets of easel paper with specific concerns.  That took about 25 of the 80 minutes allotted for the session.  Then we grouped those concerns into four major areas: personal choices, relationships with family, relationship with society and biological needs.  The rest of the session was spent on a free-wheeling discussion with the attendees describing significant elements of their particular situations.  The conversation leaned toward sharing individual experiences and emphasizing the validity of each rather than providing answers, although this does not mean that attendees did not gain insight from the stories of others.

The last session I attended at the conference was a talk about transgender surgery by Dr. Keelee McPhee.  She is plastic surgeon based in the Research Triangle area of North Carolina.  Most of her experience is in the area of facial or breast surgeries for both transmen and transwomen.  She has been the primary surgeon on only one MTF “bottom” surgery, having recently studied with Dr. Marci Bowers.  Since my primary decision at this time is “bottom” surgery, most of the talk was only of academic interest to me.  Dr. McPhee did display extensive knowledge in those areas with which she has done many surgeries.

Instead of the final two sessions that I had planned to attend on Friday, I went to a gathering of transwomen at one of Phiadelphia’s LGBT-friendly bars.  I mixed and mingled for a while, although I am not enamored with the bar scene as I find it too noisy and cramped for me.

Finding myself fatigued, I returned home Saturday morning rather than attend the last day of the conference.

Would I recommend that members of the trans community attend?  Yes, there are plenty of topics available for all members, young, old, binary or non-binary.  I would especially like to do one of my own presentations in the future.  The topic would be in line with this blog’s purpose.

And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth; I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name. – Revelation 3:7-8

God bless,

Lois

Taylor, Fallbrook and the Duke

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Duke Snider, Brooklyn Dodgers centerfielder . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“C’mon Duke, hit a homer!  C’mon Duke, hit a homer!”  A precocious four-year-old punctuated each shout with a little fist swung upwards, no doubt imitating someone or something (Popeye, perhaps) seen doing the same thing.  It was that child’s first major league baseball game in person.  It was September 1957.  Dad, Mom and their two children were in attendance.  Big brother, approaching his 10^th birthday and obviously a man of the world by now, had already accompanied Dad to a game in each of the previous two years.

But the younger child, always competing to do the same things, was getting a four year head start on the experience.  And that extended to the subways as well.  By that age, the child knew the route.  From their home in Richmond Hill, they walked to Liberty Avenue and took the A train (which by now connected to the Fulton Street subway with a sparkling new pastel green tiled station at Grant Avenue near Conduit Boulevard and Pitkin Avenue) to Columbus Circle.  There they changed to the D train which veered off towards the Bronx at 145^th Street.  But they were not going to the first stop in the Bronx for Yankee Stadium.  They would emerge from the subway at 155^th Street and 8^th Avenue in a section of Harlem known as Coogan’s Bluff on the west bank of the Harlem River.

The Polo Grounds, the last ballpark in the major leagues dating back to the 19^th century, was located there.  It was enemy territory for Dodger fans, and this family all rooted for the Dodgers.  And Duke Snider, with the big blue number four on his back, a future Hall of Famer, was one of their premier players.

Not long before September 1957, even a little child might have been booed for rooting for a Dodger player at the Polo Grounds.  But Giants fans were in short supply by then.  Everyone knew that the team was moving after the end of the season and the team was mired in sixth place with a losing record, mathematically eliminated from any chance of winning the pennant.  While the attendance for the game is listed as 41,629, I suspect that there were a lot of Dodger fans in attendance that day.  The Dodgers were defending National League champions and while they were in third place late in the season, die-hard Brooklyn fans clung to hope that once again their team of experienced players could put on a late run and capture the flag (while they were in denial about the rumors that their beloved “Bums” were also moving to California after the end of the season).

So on that particular day, the only reaction by someone nearby was that of an amused woman, her own motherly instincts undoubtedly triggered by the tiny child who demonstrated a surprising awareness of what was happening on the field.  And that child knew exactly what was happening in the top of the sixth inning.  For indeed, Duke hit a homer, one that gave the Dodgers a lead they wouldn’t relinquish.  I know because I was that precocious child.  And I was in seventh heaven when that ball went in the stands and Duke circled the bases with two teammates scoring ahead of him.

It turned out to be the next to last Dodger-Giant game ever played in New York City.  Disappointment would come the following season when my heroes, Duke and Pee Wee, Gil Hodges, Johnny Podres, Carl Furillo, Carl Erksine and the rest of the team in Dodger blue were now playing in Los Angeles.  A greater disappointment came from never having seen a game at that section of hallowed ground in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn known as Ebbets Field.  (Sniffles kept me from going with my brother and my parents the year before.  But to be honest, I wouldn’t have had as great an appreciation for the experience a year earlier.  I do remember sitting in front of the television and sulking while I watched the game on our Dumont TV.)

If you have followed my blog, you know that I still root for the Dodgers.  As I got older, I also gathered and remembered more and more statistics and anecdotes about baseball: especially about the Dodgers.  And there was a great deal to remember about Duke Snider.  On the playing field, I knew that he was the only person to hit four home runs in a World Series twice.  That he hit more home runs during the 1950’s than any other player.  That he hit 40 or more home runs in five consecutive seasons (the year I saw my first game was the final season in that streak).  And that after the end of his career, he would enter the Hall of Fame in the same year that Al Kaline was inducted (1980).

I also began to learn that childhood heroes are not perfect.  Duke was known by his teammates as moody, and prone to be overly despondent when in a slump.  He was also afraid of dying young, as his father had died at a relatively young age.  (Duke, on the other hand, died at age 84 in 2011.)

He was also one of a number of players who was caught failing to report the income he earned from signing autographs.  But from a Christian perspective, the best thing I ever read about the Duke, as he told it in his autobiography, was that later in life, he gave his life to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I also know that the Duke was born in Southern California.  And during his playing career shortly before the game I saw at the Polo Grounds, he and a business partner (a former teammate in the minor leagues) had bought land north of San Diego to make it into an avocado farm.  The location of that land was Fallbrook, California.  Snider and his family would live there for many years.  In almost all the baseball reference books I had seen, Fallbrook was listed as his hometown.  Among many other things, I associate Snider with Fallbrook.

So in a recent story, “Fallbrook” jumped out at me.  A moment later, it tore at my heart that another transgender teen had committed suicide.

On April 2, Taylor Alesana, a 16 year old male to female transgender girl, took her own life because she could no longer take the bullying of her classmates.  Taylor complained to school counselors, but the bullying continued.  By December, hoping it would end the bullying, this teenage girl who loved to post makeup tip videos on You Tube regressed her own transition, cut her hair and nails, and started appearing in school without makeup and in boy clothes.

Whether the bullying subsided or not, it wasn’t enough to take away the pain of being forced to deny her true self again.  Four months later, she departed this earth.  Her name will now be among those read at TDOR in November.  Her family and friends will grieve her loss and perhaps ask hard questions about what they might have done differently to prevent it.  We will never know what Taylor might have become or the positive contribution she might have made in the future.

Any teen suicide death, transgender related or not, is more than a mere statistic.  It is more than an isolated incident.  It is a calamity.  But in Taylor’s case, it isn’t even an isolated incident.  A month earlier, the same area of Southern California experienced the suicide of a gender non-conforming teen known as Sage-David.  While lack of support does not appear to be a factor in this case, it indicated the struggle that young people still face when growing up transgender.

Whether transgender or cisgender, when will we stop sacrificing our young people on the altar of hate and intolerance toward those whose identity does not conform to the mainstream of society?

Terry Cashman’s song, “Willie, Mickey and the Duke”, celebrated the greatness of the three Hall of Fame centerfielders who patrolled that position from 1951-57 for the three baseball teams in New York City.  “Taylor, Fallbrook and the Duke” speaks to a sadder, grittier side of life.  Duke Snider’s two business ventures in Fallbrook (the avocado farm and a bowling alley) failed.  But his career gave him options, and he eventually became a successful baseball broadcaster.

Taylor Alesana, on the other hand, has no more second chances.  Fallbrook would be advised to be proactive to overcome this black mark against its name. And every one of us needs to ask ourselves what we can do to make this world a safer place for transgender people.

Thus saith the LORD; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, and bitter weeping; Rachel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not. – Jeremiah 31:15

God bless,

Lois

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• Tales of the Fifties (and Beyond): Baseball and Downpours [by Alan Ziegler]
• Fallbrook Mourns Bullied Transgender Teen Who Took Own Life
• Transgender Teen Commits Suicide After Being Bullied
• Transgender teen in California kills self after bullying

More complete knowledge and understanding

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Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care!

That old joke sounded clever the first couple of times I heard it.  And this isn’t the first time that I’ve repeated it.  Yet God’s people must not be indifferent about ignorance.  God speaks this warning through the prophet Hosea: My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children. – Hosea 4:6

In the Bible, God counsels us to obtain knowledge, understanding and wisdom.  Knowledge can simply be gathered.  But without the ability to apply it, knowledge isn’t of much use.  That is where understanding comes in.  Understanding combines knowledge with an ability to judge and comprehend the subject matter at hand.  Wisdom is the possession of a superior level of understanding, the ability to consistently use good sense and judgment.

English: CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, 91st Edition (Title) Deutsch: CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, 91. Auflage (Titelblatt) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here’s an example from my scholastic days.  I generally did well in high school, but most of my best subjects were in math and science.  At that time, my career goal was in the area of urban planning and transportation engineering.  So I made an investment in an expensive must-have reference book: The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics.

For the benefit of those who are not familiar with this massive volume, it has the dimensions of a large dictionary, is about 3 inches thick, printed on thin paper.  This book is jammed with 2076 pages of formulas, tables, constants, charts, and other facts.

Here is where understanding comes into the picture.  Even with my science background, as I thumbed through the book at random today, I came upon many items that I never learned or understood.  There are also a number of items that I recognize but have forgotten how to use them.  Therefore, large sections of the information in this book are useless knowledge to me at this time.

Furthermore, the edition I own is the 49^th edition.  The latest edition is the 95^th.  There are now over 2600 pages of information, and that is after many of the mathematical tables have been removed since they are now readily available with a computer or calculator.  As scientific knowledge multiplies, the editors of the Handbook have to constantly evaluate what should be added and what is no longer essential.

Of course, new discoveries also mean that some items that were listed 45 years ago have been clarified or corrected.  Some of the material in my edition is no longer reliable.  It is out of date.  One example of interest to some readers of this blog is related to diethylstilbestrol (DES), a synthetic compound with estrogenic properties which a number of male to female transsexuals have learned that their mothers’ took while pregnant with them.  DES is still listed as a treatment for prostate cancer.  A more effective pharmaceutical treatment without estrogenic properties replaced DES in common use for prostate cancer in 1985.  While DES use during pregnancy was not mentioned in the Handbook, it was not banned until two years after my edition was published.  It is no longer manufactured or marketed in the United States since 1997.

No person can know everything.  Only God is all-knowing.  But collectively, within the body of Christ, it is incumbent upon us to remain aware of the latest additions to the wealth of knowledge in the world’s possession.  This means awareness of what are hypotheses, what are theories, what are measured results, and what results have been reproduced and confirmed elsewhere.  If that which is proven fact conflicts with man’s interpretation of God’s word, then we must reexamine the interpretation, comparing Scripture with Scripture, until we arrive at an interpretation and understanding that conforms to scientific fact.

This is what is so disturbing about some within the body of Christ, who ignore the proliferation of studies and case studies that demonstrate that the concepts of male and female (both physically and mentally) cannot be put into neat and separate little boxes and that there is a growing amount of evidence of a physical component to an incongruent gender identity; at the same time ignoring the personal testimony of the effort made by transsexual Christians to conform their gender identity to their physical appearance, through prayer and study of the Bible and exercise of faith, only to see our need to live authentically grow stronger and stronger.  This is what is so disturbing about being rebuked for relying on science by a brother in Christ and former friend, who ironically has a Ph.D. in a scientific field and by profession (before his recent retirement) designed clinical studies for a major pharmaceutical company.

The war between Christianity and science is a canard whose origins were perpetrated in the 1800’s to discredit Christianity.  Yet the story took root and has been repeated so often, it is now considered common knowledge by Christians and the secular world alike.  Academic research relying on original sources to debunk this outrageous lie has been ignored for nearly 20 years.  Shame on any Christians who have bought into a fraud that was meant to falsely accuse us and embarrass us.

http://www.veritas-ucsb.org/library/russell/FlatEarth.html

We can get in trouble when we are sloppy in our knowledge of Scripture.  In this case, we need to remember that Paul did not warn Timothy (and all people) against all use of science; he warned against “science falsely so called”. (1^st Timothy 6:20) We can also look at the example of Daniel, one of the most faithful and obedient of God’s servants despite living in captivity in Babylon, as well as his three friends, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah (who many are more familiar under the names Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego).  These four were among the children of Israel chosen for training by Nebuchadnezzar’s servant, Ashpenaz, based in part on being “skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science”. (Daniel 1:4) When these four are eventually set apart from all the others, we learn that it was God who “gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom”. (Daniel 1:17) Who are we to go against God?

Apparently there was junk science in Paul’s day and there is evidence of junk science now.  A man of great wisdom wrote these words under the guidance of the Holy Spirit: “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9) But we can find no disapproval in the word of God against the acquisition of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.  Nor did “much learning” drive Paul insane.

In other words, God finds no fault in the pursuit of pure science.  The word itself comes from the Latin word for “knowledge” based on the verb “to know”.  Here are the seven meanings of “science” with key words highlighted:

– a branch of knowledge or study dealing with a body of facts or truths systematically arranged and showing the operation of general laws:

– systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.

– any of the branches of natural or physical science.

– systematized knowledge in general.

– knowledge, as of facts or principles; knowledge gained by systematic study.

– a particular branch of knowledge.

– skill, especially reflecting a precise application of facts or principles; proficiency.

Against all these things, God has no law.  But to be aware of the things of God, to know what Paul wrote to Timothy or about the godly gifts bestowed upon Daniel and his friends, we need to systematically grow in knowledge of God’s word through continual study.

I expressed my thoughts on this matter in a recent discussion with a dear transsexual Christian friend (and also a scientist!) who I met through this blog.  She had expressed the belief that “there is lot more gray in the bible than the simple black and white that is so often touted to be the case in God’s word.”  Here is the main part of my reply:

I actually look at it differently.  I believe the Bible is black and white.  In some ways it has to be, since God doesn’t change, His word is forever settled in heaven and His yes is yes and His no is no.

From my point of view, it isn’t a matter of black and white versus gray.  It is a matter of how simple it is.  And some things are simple.  The basic message that you can come to Christ by faith, childlike faith, is simple enough that young children and unlearned adults can understand and respond to it positively.

But in deeper matters of theology, it takes time and study to harmonize the various passages of God’s word.  It takes work and effort.  “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” – 2nd Timothy 2:15

The best analogy I can come up with is computer graphics.  I am not an expert so I do not know all of terms.  But I understand the concepts.  Did you know that there are two ways to achieve gray in computer graphics?  One way is grayscale.  That is a method of adjusting the relative darkness of a pixel.  So if a printer is printing a grayscale page, 100% ink equates to black. Anything less than that and you start getting into lighter and darker shades of gray.

But the older method, the only method which certain devices (e.g. laser printers and fax machines) can process, is a binary image.  Now if your image resolution is comparable to the video game “Pong”, it will be very difficult to achieve gray.  To achieve gray instead of a splotchy black and white image, you need a lot of pixels per square inch (i.e., very tiny pixels, so tiny that it would be almost impossible to see one pixel of black on an otherwise white screen with the naked eye – maybe it would be impossible these days).  With high resolution, provide enough magnification and you can see that what looks to be gray is really a combination of very tiny black and white dots.

Over time, ways were found to create processes to make pixels smaller and the resolution better.  Each development and advance is like another time of studying the word, except each technology advance improves what you can create; each Bible study improves the amount of detail you can see.  And the more detail you can see, the better you know, using Ecclesiastes 3 as an example, when it is right to kill or heal, to speak or be silent, to love or hate, to wage war or make peace.  And that would also be true about discerning when it is acceptable in God’s sight to change the gender identity you present to the world.

Almost by necessity to cope with a complex world, people tend to simplify whenever possible.  Overdo simplification when it comes to Christianity, turn the microscopic pixels of God’s word into large polka dots, try to squeeze an infinite God into a tight box: you will run into serious error sooner or later.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. – Isaiah 55:8

God bless,

Lois

Why Me?

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acceptance, ambulance, Bible, blessings, Cartoonist, Comic strip, conjunctival cyst, counseling, difficulties, eye surgery, family, Flickr, God, help, IV tubing, ministry, MTF, needle, negative attitude, nurse, One Big Happy, ophthalmologist, paramedics, police officers, positive attitude, post-operative recovery, prayers, rejection, Rick Detorie, Ruthie, salvation, school accidents, Scriptures, sedation, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, violence against transgenders

In December, I had the first surgery of my entire 62+ year life.  I had stitches in my knee when I was in 8^th grade and had to walk on crutches.  (If someone squirts you with a water pistol and the school driveway was just graveled, don’t chase them.  Pick a more convenient time for payback on your terms.  Hah!)  I had my wrist x-rayed because I fell on wet grass and jammed it in 7^th grade.  In 10^th grade, I sliced the skin under my right thumbnail when I was washing wax off of petri dishes and one cracked in half because the water got too cold.  (I make my school sound like a dangerous place.  But I got through three years as a hockey goalie, four years as a starter on the baseball team, one year of cross country and one year of soccer with nothing more than shin splints and a temporary loss of a toenail when a slap shot hit my big toe dead on – wearing only regular skates, not goalie skates.)

About 25 years ago, I went to the hospital in an ambulance because of stomach pains.  I ended up walking home from the hospital a few hours later when the pain subsided and never found out the cause.  And in April 2007, I had to have an encapsulated infection drained when it blew up to the size of a Mallowmar.  I nursed that thing with home remedies and triple antibiotic cream until tax season was over and I could get it treated.  But three weeks ago, I had a procedure that actually could be classified as surgery.

No, it wasn’t one of those surgeries.  Except for a little makeup, a thin pad in my bra and a little “better living through chemistry”, I am still “what you see is what you get.”  (I was on prescription hormones for less than a month for all but two of the pictures on my Flickr page that you can access from the Links page on this blog.)

What I had was a conjunctival cyst removed from my left eye.  As anyone familiar with conjunctivitis knows, that means it was on the eye ball.  It was tiny as eye ball cysts go.  In fact, my optometrist thought it was a fluid bubble on the surface of the eye ball and just needed to be “popped”.  But it was an actual cyst containing a clear substance.  The biopsy came back that it was benign.

The adventure happened on the evening after I came home from surgery.  I was awake but sedated during the operation.  So I did need to have an IV in my arm during the operation.  I was wheeled upstairs into a recovery room where they gave me a buttered roll, flavored gelatin and water.  (I hadn’t eaten solid food in about 16 hours by this point and nothing orally for about 12 hours.)  At some point, they told me that I could get dressed and that they were calling the person who would be coming to pick me up and take me home.  I had a patch and a plastic “egg” half taped over the left eye.

A swing through the drive thru of the golden arches closest to home and I had my quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a large sweet tea.  I made two phone calls after eating to make an appointment with the ophthalmologist the next day and then arrange transportation.  Then I took a four hour nap to recover from the sedation.

I woke up and was hungry again.  I had already planned on making an omelet.  Soon I had a cheese omelet, English muffin and juice in front of me.  I ate while watching the previous night’s episode of NCIS online.  But I felt something sticking me in my left arm every time I would bend it.  When the show was finished and I cried a little for McGee’s loss, I rolled up my blouse sleeve.  There was the cause: plastic tubing connected to a needle still stuck in the crook of my arm.  And beneath the tubing was a reddish-purple circle of blood.  I found the paperwork that contained what I should do if I had a post-operative problem.  The person I spoke to at the hospital said I should call an ambulance and that this was enough of an emergency to call 911.  (First and hopefully only time I have done that.)

I went down to the lobby of my building.  (There isn’t room in my tiny apartment for much more than me right now.)  Soon, I was joined by two paramedics, a two-person ambulance team and two local police officers.  So after a debate as to whether to remove it there or take me to the emergency room (I told them “Whenever in doubt, CYA.”), five of them stood around while one of them removed the apparatus, cleaned it with alcohol and then taped it with gauze.  (The building’s Christmas tree next to me added a festive touch.)

Apparently it was a hectic day at the hospital.  So instead of just one nurse taking care of me in recovery, I was handed off to another.  Each nurse thought the other nurse had removed the tube.

In the end, it was much ado about nothing.  But I was told that had nothing been done, it could have become infected or even a blood clot go into my bloodstream because of it.  My reaction could have been “Why me?  Why does stuff like this always happen to me?”

And indeed there was a time that I had that attitude about my life.  In addition to the burden of being born trans, I could point to career underachievement, lack of a successful relationship, and financial troubles.  And once you go down that road, you start to tack on every little problem or slight in life, real or imagined.

In my late twenties, I learned in career counseling how important it was to have a positive attitude.  After I was saved at age 36 and I began to understand the ramifications of that event, I knew intellectually that I had one thing in my life that I did not earn or deserve that made up for any bad breaks that kept me from rewards I thought were my due.  But old tapes have a way of replaying when you are vulnerable.  Pity parties require little planning and few guests.

One of the things that helps me through the day, besides Bible reading and prayer, is my daily dose of comic strips.  They remind me of the absurdities of life, to laugh at them and sometimes laugh at myself.  One of the strips I read daily is One Big Happy by Rick Detorie.  The star of the comic is a precocious six-year old girl named Ruthie.  She is a pip, but she is also as lovable as she is bright.

In one Sunday comic strip, Ruthie settles down to say her prayers before going to bed.  She comes to God wondering about the fact that some people talk about their misfortunes and ask, “Why Me?”  But then she starts to tell God about all the good things in her life: a nice house and yard to play in, enough food to eat and clean clothes to wear, the fun things she does with her dad and the dress-up games she plays with her mom, a brother (two years older) who can be a pain sometimes but who also plays with her and holds her hand when they watch a scary show together, her grandpa who tells her jokes and plays cards with her and her grandma who watches movies with her while they eat popsicles (grandma and grandpa live next door).

As Ruthie finishes her list, she concludes that her life is very good indeed.  And so she asks God, “Why me?”  In counting her blessings, she realizes how fortunate she is compared to many people.  In response, her attitude towards God is commendable.  She wants to know why God would choose to show her favor.

I am considerably older than Ruthie.  But I find myself in the same position now.  And ironically, much of it is connected to my transition experience.  I am liked and respected by the members of my new church (both those who know my past and those who don’t); while some Christians have rejected me, most have stayed in fellowship with me, including the pastor of my previous church (if the weather cooperates, we are having lunch today); while my brother is still struggling with the news told to him two months ago, he hasn’t rejected me, and all the cousins who I was in contact with prior to transition are very supportive; I retained most of my clients and added new ones to replace those who left; I am in very good health for my age with only one minor surgery and still no overnight stays in the hospital since my mom brought me home for the first time; and people tell me that I don’t look my age and some even think I am attractive; I have had zero bad incidents in public since I went full-time 26 months ago plus a year before that when I was somewhat androgynous (but wearing male clothes).

Yet I am well aware that this is not typical for an MTF transsexual.  For years I read about (and was deterred by) stories of transsexuals being estranged from families, thrown out of churches, losing jobs, being beaten up, being murdered.  Only a fortunate few were able to rise above.  But if they were public figures, they were also fodder for comedy routines.  Some others managed to live in stealth, constantly wondering if they would be outed.  The rest paid even higher prices to live in accord with their innate gender identity.

But now I am getting these stories from a new source.  As the number of readers of my blog slowly increases, I am hearing from some of you.  I am hearing first-hand of your struggles with family, career problems, opposition from your religious community, and friends turned away or attacked.  A few of you see me as an oasis in a dry and dusty land.

And so I am asking God, “Why me?”  Why am I being spared most or all of what these dear people are going through?  I know that some of it is circumstantial, based on geography and family structure.  But I believe it is more than that, the beginnings of God’s affirmation that He has more than a blog for me: He has a ministry.  I do not hold myself out as a trained or licensed counselor.  But I can share Scripture, be a friend and give perspective.  Occasionally there may be additional ways I can help, perhaps to talk to a third party.  The Lord is still working on me and there are areas of my life that need more discipline.  Plus at this time of my life, tax season and my clients still have a higher priority because the bills need to be paid.  But I am here and watching to see what develops.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

God bless,

Lois