The Sinister People?

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abnormal, ambidexterity, ambidextrous, anatomy, birth condition, brain hemispheres, brain wiring, Bruce Jenner, conformity, converted left-handers, dominant hemisphere, dyslexia, famous left-handers, fear of unknown, forced conversion, forced to write with right hand, gender binary, gender non-conforming, handwriting, King George VI of England, left-handed, lefthandedness, minority, mixed-handed, older birth mothers, Paul Simon, sinister, stressful pregnancy, stuttering, Transgender, transgender contribution to society, transgender soldiers, transhanded, Transsexual, US Presidents

I’ve been sending information about myself to a few different people and organizations recently.  And it made me think anew about how I identify being transsexual as my anatomical reality.  That led to thinking about other anatomical realities that are not the norm.

I thought about those who are born double-jointed, or with blue eyes (same color as mine).  I thought about being one of a minority of people who are not able to roll their tongue into a U-shape (looking head on).  And I thought about people who are born left-handed.

Clearly, some atypical characteristics do not lead to opposition, while others do.  Blue eyes are often a desirable feature and even rarer colors are even more prized (e.g. Elizabeth Taylor’s purple eyes).  The same would be true for hair color with blondes and reds often seen as more desirable.

Then why do some non-conforming features breed opposition rather than attraction?  I will venture a hypothesis: people whose unusual characteristics evoke uncertainty or the unknown are more likely to be avoided or treated negatively.  And I realized that like transgender, historically in most cultures, this has also been true for those who are left-handed.

Isn’t comparing being left-handed to being born transgender far fetched?  Not at all.  Some of you are familiar with left-handed classmates being forced to learn to write right-handed.  (One person told me that in some cases, the student’s left hand was tied behind his or her back.)  Or you may recall those one piece desks that were designed for right-handed students and required left-handers to be contortionists to write.  These were clearly attempts to get lefties to conform and use the right-hand.  After all, the word “sinister” comes directly from the Latin word for something on the left side, but had also come to mean “unlucky” or “inauspicious”.

There is something even more basic that gender and handedness have in common.  They both relate to the way that the brain is wired.  Most young children don’t make a conscious decision as to which hand to use.  People generally don’t think about whether they are right or left-handed.  They know which they are and act accordingly, unless someone forces them to change.

The same is true with gender.  Most people don’t choose their gender.  They know at a young age which one they are.  Most people don’t even spend much time thinking about their gender.  They know who they are and act accordingly, unless they were assigned and expected to conform to the opposite gender.

“Transhanded” is used by some who feel oppressed by having been forced to switch from using their dominant hand.  At the moment it is a rare usage.  But it certainly has a well-known gender counterpart in today’s society.

Forcing a left-handed child to write with their right hand might seem like a small thing.  But messing with a person’s natural brain wiring risks negative consequences.  (As might be expected, there is some disparity of opinion: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22332811)  Here are some of the conditions that have been associated as occurring with greater frequency when people are forced away from use of their predominant hand (most often from left to right, but occasionally from right to left): bad handwriting, bed-wetting, stuttering, nail biting, shy and withdrawn behavior, defiance and provocative behavior, poor concentration, bad memory, reading difficulties, poor spelling, neurotic personality, unexplained physical tiredness.

King George VI of England, the father of Queen Elizabeth II, was a natural left-hander who was forced to write with his right hand.  Even as king, he spoke with a pronounced stammer, and he was a nervous child.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1TubkzxPFY

In a study published in the April 1, 2002 issue of the Journal of Neuroscience on the long-term consequences of switching handedness, it was shown that the brain activity of converted left-handers was different from both that of consistent left-handers and consistent right-handers.  Converted left-handers also continued to prefer the use of their predominant hand in other activities besides writing or drawing (for example, throwing, brushing teeth or striking a match).

The study concluded that “Adult converted left-handers show persistent features of lefthandedness during right-hand writing.”  I interpret this to mean that while they may have changed the way they write, much of the way their brain works does not change.  Therefore the forced conversion hasn’t really changed who they are.

Is this beginning to sound similar to the way that transgender people express what it has been like to be forced or feel compelled by societal pressures to live in the gender that is inconsistent with their internal gender? A brain that accommodates being acculturated in the opposite gender may show some difference from the brain activity of a person’s target gender, but it is much more consistent with the normative of their target gender than with the normative of their assigned gender.

But wait, there’s more to the analogy.  In recent years, we have seen a significant increase in those who are claiming to be transgender but outside of the gender binary (plus some who are outside but do not include themselves under the transgender umbrella).  I freely admit that this isn’t the easiest concept for me to grasp, although I am learning to accept the testimony of those who claim it as being true for them.  So it is understandable that I struggled to include this in my analogy.

It came to me as the water flowed from the showerhead over my body: ambidexterity.  Obviously having nothing to write this down at the time, I count it significant that I retained this thought through the rest of the shower and my subsequent grooming.

Upon research, I found that it fit in quite well.  Just as there is resistance to the abandonment of the gender binary, there is debate in academic circles as to whether ambidextrous people are born or are trained to become that way.  (Those who hold to the latter position point to many ambidextrous people originally being left-handed.)

Because of their rarity, mixed-handed people are difficult to study.  There is some research that has found that ambidextrous people lack a dominant side to their brain.  A study in Finland found a higher incidence of ambidextrous people among triplets.  This has some, although not exact, similarity to findings that birth order and gender of the previous children has a correlation to people born transgender or with a same sex preference.

In Denmark, it was found that mothers who experienced stress during their pregnancy were more likely to give birth to mixed-handed children.  (For what it’s worth, my mother of somewhat advanced age [37] when I was conceived and born also went through a stressful pregnancy with me.  Much of my gestation period was during a brutally hot summer in New York City.  And our upstairs tenant was a particularly nasty person, regularly complaining by pounding upon the floor over my parent’s bedroom.  Could that gut-wrenching behavior have affected my mom to such an extent that I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice?  I know my mom told me that she would get so upset, that she had to stop nursing me because her milk had turned sour.)

There is one downside to the analogy between ambidexterity and gender non-conforming (or a host of related terms).  Some researchers believe it is because of the brain symmetry that occurs when there is no dominant hemisphere.  It has been found that ambidexterity is more prevalent among people who also have certain disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia and dyslexia.

http://www.wisegeek.com/are-people-born-with-ambidexterity.htm

So what’s the bottom line?  Some people say that the transgender community is where the gay and lesbian community was a generation ago in terms of gaining awareness and acceptance.  It may be even more relevant to say that we are where left-handed people were in the past.  No longer are left-handed people automatically considered sinister.  And while political division in the United States may be much deeper and more strident than fifty years ago when Paul Simon penned the song lyrics that appear at the beginning of my post, the pejoratives hurled at the left and right wing are fairly equal.

There have been eight left-handed U.S. Presidents: all since the Civil War and five of the past seven.  Other famous left-handed people in history include Benjamin Franklin, Alexander the Great, Charlemagne, Henry Ford, Helen Keller, Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Vin Scully, Cathy Guisewite, James Baldwin, HG Wells, Michelangelo, Carol Burnett, George Burns, Marcel Marceau, Dick Van Dyke, Oprah Winfrey, and the musician Paul Simon (as might be expected).  And yes, many athletes are on the list because in many sports, being left-handed is an advantage.  A sport in which it offers no advantage (because there is no defense in this sport) is track & field.  How interesting that Bruce Jenner happens to be left-handed … and dyslexic … and now we have learned, transgender.

We now know that besides an Olympic Gold Medal winner, transgender people (whether before or after transition, or both), have been valiant soldiers (such as Kristin Beck) enlisting for military service at a significantly higher rate than the cisgender population.  The transgender community has contributed to society medical doctors, engineers, scientists, professors, successful business people, clergy, attorneys, people who have earned PhD’s, climbed Mount Everest and many other people who have made the world a better place.  One can only wonder how much that contribution will grow if the world is no longer a hostile place for us.

My dream for the rest of my life is to help the world become more understanding and shed its hostility towards the transgender community; to make the world a better place for my church community, my neighbors, my clients, my family and my friends – whether transgender or cisgender.

But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: – Judges 3:15 (portion)

God bless,

Lois

Immediate reaction to the Diane Sawyer interview of Bruce Jenner

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1972 Olympics, 1976 Olympics, American Broadcasting Company, athlete, Bruce Jenner, childhood, closet, conservative, denial, Diane Sawyer, exploration, fatal traffic accident, Gender, gender conflict, Gender Identity, gender issues, gender transition, GLAAD, interrupted transition, Jennifer Boylan, Jon Anderson, Kardashian, liberal, libertarian, Olympic Decathlon, Olympic gold medal, public perception, publicity stunt, Reality television, Renee Richards, sexual preference, Sleepy Hollow, supportive family, television, Transgender, transition year, Transsexual

Bruce Jenner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am usually a very reflective person, especially when it comes to something for my blog.  So an immediate reaction is something relatively new for me.  I have just watched the Diane Sawyer interview of Bruce Jenner.  Here are my impressions.

First off, while Bruce continues to withhold the use of a new name and allowed and maybe even encouraged use of male pronouns, I am going to make a tricky straddle.  Bruce clearly indicated a female identity at the core.  So rather than use a last name and absent the knowledge of a first name, I will continue to use “Bruce” as this person’s name.  But I will also use female pronouns (contrary to GLAAD’s guidelines).  As I see it, the use of the pronouns was for the sake of the interview and Bruce’s supportive family members who naturally would have been using male pronouns during much of the taping process.

(In recognition of her status as a professional journalist, I will refer to the interviewer as Ms. Sawyer.)

I thought Bruce was sincere.  The threads to her story are very familiar to anyone who has heard the life story of a transsexual.  The details may vary but the basic theme is clear.  Every child who is in the process of becoming an adult begins to learn how to fit into the world around him or her.  What was different for Bruce and all transsexuals is that the world is telling you, even your body is telling you, that you fit into the world as one gender.  But your brain is telling you that you are the opposite gender.  Now how do you deal with that disconnect?

For Bruce, as it was for most transsexuals of our generation, it is a strange dance of exploration and denial.  (Bruce is a little more than three years older than me and while Bruce Jenner was growing up in Westchester County, NY, my family moved about four miles away as the crow flies on the other side of the Hudson River.)  What made Bruce’s journey different was raw athletic ability, physical strength and speed, and the determination to develop that combination of attributes to become a champion.  Similar to the story of Kristin Beck, the Navy Seal who transitioned a few years ago, gender identity conflict that had no outlet in the 1950’s and 1960’s of Bruce’s youth, added fuel to turbocharge that determination.  One produced a military hero, the other an Olympic gold medalist.

Early in the interview, Bruce mentioned the need to keep a sense of humor regarding the situation.  And Bruce does have a keen sense of humor.  But there were many poignant moments as well.  (I do question the placement of that tissue box next to Ms. Sawyer instead of next to Bruce.  Did they think that Ms. Sawyer was going to break down in the middle of the interview?  Of course not: they wanted to emphasize Bruce needing to reach out for a tissue.)

Cropped photo of Diane Sawyer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The interview was conducted mostly in Bruce’s home in Malibu, but parts were taped near Bruce’s childhood home in Sleepy Hollow (nee North Tarrytown, NY) and the campus of the high school she attended where her athletic career began to take shape and show promise.  Obviously it was edited in a way that reflects the lines between news and entertainment having been blurred long ago on the major networks.  And we had to listen once again to a series of questions so that Bruce could explain that gender and sexual preference are two different things.  Because Ms. Sawyer generally did a fine job in allowing Bruce to tell her own story, helping it along with insightful questions, I will give Ms. Sawyer the benefit of the doubt on the gender versus sexual preference theme of the questions.  I attribute the need to ask these questions to the realization that large portions of the general public still are unable to grasp this difference, not Ms. Sawyer’s lack of understanding on the topic.

Contrary to an online headline that I saw a little while I ago when I was checking the map for the relative distance between my childhood home and Bruce’s, there were no blockbuster revelations in this interview.  There has been so much build up prior to the actual program, it would be almost impossible for any program to live up to it.  About the only blockbuster announcement that Bruce could have made was that she was not transgender and that there was another explanation.  Fortunately, there was more than enough solid content during the program.  This was not a repeat of Geraldo’s Al Capone’s vault fiasco.

The most interesting bit of information I heard was the revelation that Bruce had started taking female hormones in the mid 1980’s.  But at some point, due to understandable fears, concerns about what this would do to her family (especially her children) and questions about what God thought about this matter, that earlier road to transition was cut short.  While interesting, it was not surprising.  Renee Richards had a similar backtracking experience during her life’s journey (albeit for different reasons).  This has also happened during the journeys of some transsexuals I know personally.  And I know how many times I took tentative small steps down the road of transition only to let fear turn me back.

The most heartwarming part of the program was to see the level of support that Bruce has gotten from her family.  Every one of the ten children who have come to know Bruce as “Dad” evidenced some level of support, as did her first two wives, her sister Pam and her mother.

I have to admit that I have no interest in the types of tabloid shows that have made a fortune for the Kardashian-Jenner clan.  I am well aware that a lot of the fame that has been enjoyed by them has been a combination of shrewd promotion, the fact that sex sells and that the Kardashian women are recognized by the public as sexy, attractive women.  But I will also freely admit that their stock rose considerably in my eyes when I saw them join with Bruce’s older children in unfeigned love and support for Bruce.

I was also pleased to see the notion dispelled that if someone is transgender, they must be liberal, and that trans allies must be liberal.  Bruce admits to being a conservative Republican.  Her mother is very conservative.  A brief clip of Jennifer Boylan was when she quoted her elderly conservative Republican mother responding to Jennifer’s coming out with a verse from 1^st Corinthians 13:13 – And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  (I believe the NKJV verse or something similar was used.)

Yes, I have had conservative Christians reject me.  But I have also had a number of them accept me, to my surprise and delight.  I have been accepted by NRA members, libertarians, people who describe themselves as being to the right of Rush Limbaugh and so on.  Just as there is a certain segment of the population who does not easily fit into neat little boxes labeled “male” and “female”, it is not so simple to predict or categorize which people will prove to be trans allies and sympathetic to our coming out stories.

An interesting fact brought up by Ms. Sawyer is that over 90% of survey respondents say that they know someone who is homosexual, but only 8% say that they know a transgender person.  Bruce’s story underscores the fact that most of us are so good at hiding until we begin to emerge, that far more than 8% of the population in fact knows a transgender person.  They just don’t realize that they know one.

One of the most interesting dynamics in terms of Bruce relating to her family concerns the few times when Bruce was caught or when Bruce admitted at least some level of her gender exploration to a family member.  Rather than these events opening the floodgates of discussion between Bruce and family members, Bruce’s gender issues quickly returned to the closet and once again, the elephant in the room was ignored, sometimes for decades.

Bruce wants her life to make a positive difference.  It remains to be seen to what extent that can and will happen.  Bruce Jenner, Olympic gold medalist in a prestige event and hero of the Cold War in the athletic arena would have had plenty of capital in the court of public opinion to cash in.  But that capital has seen plenty of tarnish from her heavy involvement in reality television soap operas that spill over into all of the media coverage of her life in recent years.  I agree with Bruce that it is absurd that all of this is a publicity stunt.  The fact that a significant number of people believe it is true highlights the perception that needs to be overcome.

And yes, the specter of an even bigger elephant looms over Bruce’s situation.  It is a specter that could only receive the briefest mention due to legal issues.  I am talking about the fatal car accident that Bruce was involved in after the interviews were taped.  If Bruce eventually is found guilty of a serious crime such as involuntary manslaughter, her possible platform for good for the TG community will prove to have a trap door to the basement.

The impression I came away with from the end of the program is that Bruce intends to live the next year of her life in a low key, out of the limelight manner as much as possible.  Her invitation to Ms. Sawyer to come back in a year and see how well she did would imply that the world will not know a lot about her movements and actions over the next 12 months.  But between pending legal matters, aggressive paparazzi and journalists, and even well-wishers and people from the trans community who want a piece of her, a low key life may prove far easier said than done.  But the intent is wise.  Bruce will need this time of her life for learning and discovery, whether self or comportment or further reaching physical changes.  I hope she can achieve that time for herself.

Would I love to meet Bruce Jenner?  Of course!  Our paths are likely to have crossed on occasion: perhaps on the Tappan Zee Bridge, in some shopping center, or at a sporting event.  Because I was the manager of the Cornell cross country and track teams for four years (1970-74), are degree of separation is very small.  Jon Anderson (Class of ’71) personally challenged me to stay as manager for all four years.  (I made it, Jon!)  Anderson, the next to last American to win the men’s division of the Boston Marathon, was Jenner’s teammate on the 1972 US Olympic track team.

Bruce has enough to deal with in her life right now.  I will not add to it.  If perchance she reaches out to me for any reason, I am here, just as I have been here for a handful of trans people who have reached out to me in the past year.  I am not a trained counselor and do not hold myself out as such.  I minister to people as a friend with the insight gained through my own journey and study of spiritual matters.

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24

God bless,

Lois

My mom, my role model

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100th birthday, assignments, boy, childless, Christmas cookies, conscience, cooking, counseling, crying, dad, daughter, deterioration of health, domestic quarrel, dressed in mother's clothes, drunk driving, girl, giving birth, Great Depression, Holidays, homeless, homemaker, Hungarian, Husband, in memory, labor pains, marital bliss, Mommies are special, mommy's little helper, mother, mother-child relationship, mourning, New York City, Ohio, personal sacrifice, picnics, pregnancy, rape, Reformed Church, role model, sadness, salads, selfish, son, spousal abuse, stay-at-home mom, Transsexual, will to live

My mom would have been 100 years old today.  She made it to 88.  For her final two months, the nurses would tell me that they didn’t know what was keeping her alive.

I have an idea what it might have been.  When she was born, it was a particularly cold winter in NE Ohio.  She was a tiny child born to a poor immigrant Hungarian family.  She had two older brothers, but other siblings died in infancy.  The doctors didn’t think that she would make it, either.  They sent for the pastor of the Hungarian Reformed Church, so that my mom could be baptized.

But she demonstrated a will to live.  The doctors misjudged by 88 years and 8 months.  That will persisted even for a few months when she told me that she was ready to go home and join my dad.  In her lifetime, she had watched her mother brutalized by an alcoholic father, took care of her 9 year old sister on her own when she was still in high school and her mother (now divorced) came to New York City to find work during the depression, endured times of being homeless, kept going after being raped, scrimped and saved and sacrificed so that her husband and her two children could wear nice clothes in public, those children eventually graduating from college (and one child, me, also going to private school in grades 6-12).

By the time she was my age, she was dealing with a number of infirmities: frequent headaches, a nervous stomach, glaucoma, three hernias, broke the same elbow twice, had gall bladder problems for years until it was removed, mobility issues during her last few years, plus the usual aches and pains that come with aging.  She hung on through all those conditions.  Her body had persevered through so much, when it was time to let go, she was almost too stubborn to die!

My mom wasn’t perfect.  I mentioned in my previous blog post that she let me down when it came to my relationship with the person I married.  But when she caught me in her clothes the only time I ever dressed in my parents’ house, she was remarkably enlightened for the 1960’s in terms of not punishing me and not bringing my dad in to beat masculinity into me.  She was a stay-at-home mom, always there when I came home from school.  She was the one who was in my corner when I wanted to go to private school and when I started my career as a stockbroker.  We could talk about almost anything together and I could disagree as long as I was respectful of the fact that she was the parent.  And as I got closer to my teen years, we began to work beautifully together in the kitchen whenever there was a major cooking project to do: salads and other side dishes for picnics we hosted, holiday dinners or those wonderful platters of Christmas cookies.  Oh, and when she got older, we would make stuffed cabbage together.  She would tell other people that she would rather work with me in the kitchen than anyone else.  I was as happy to hear that as when I would get an A in school or have a great game or earn a big commission.  I loved both of my parents, but she was my role model.

As might be expected, my mom and my relationship with her were brought up a few times in my counseling.  In honor of the 100^th anniversary of her birth, I am sharing some of that today.

[Written May 29, 2012 – this conversation with my mom never actually happened; it is my recollection of a composite of how I internalized my mom as the voice of my conscience and conflict]

How dare you?

I want to be a girl. I should be a girl.

     Why are you so ungrateful?  Mommy and Daddy had to sacrifice a lot so that you can have all the things you have: your own room in a nice house; plenty of food to eat; clean clothes. If you had gone through the depression like we did, then you would know the meaning of want. Until we were married, Daddy had to give almost all of his paycheck to Grandpa and Grandma because Grandpa couldn’t work anymore. There was a time when he had to take a pay cut just to keep his job.  All the people where he worked had to do that.  And there were many nights when I had to sleep in the subway and didn’t know where my next meal was going to come from.

But there’s nothing wrong with being a girl. Why can’t I be a girl? I’d rather be a girl than a boy.

     You are just being selfish. Think of all the starving children in China.

But I want to be your girl and grow up just like you, Mommy. Wouldn’t you want a daughter like [Aunt A____ and Aunt H____] have?

     If I had a daughter, I would have named you Linda and I would have been happy to have a daughter.  But God gave me you, and I am proud that you are my son. I wouldn’t change a thing.  You shouldn’t want to, either.

[Written for the same counseling assignment, in this dialogue I am a bit older and the conversation is with my self as my conscience.]

Whose side are you on, anyway?

[Note: about halfway through writing this internal dialogue, I got a bit emotional and teary-eyed.]

(My parents didn’t have major fights often.  Both exceptions involved my dad drinking too much at a family wedding and then wanting to drive all of us home.  The first one happened in September 1960, when I was not quite 8, so I don’t remember as many details from that one.  The second one was the summer of 1964 and I was going on 12.  I knew my Mom was doing it to protect me, so in some way she was my hero.  But at the same time I felt a little embarrassed, because members of my extended family witnessed it and it seemed like they were judging my mom negatively because of it.)

It feels good to take Mommy’s side.

     You’re a traitor. You should be on the boy’s side.

Mommy wants me on her side.

     Mommy tells you to be a good boy.  You’re a boy.

Mommy likes it when I help her. She says that I am a good helper.

     But she still calls you a boy, not a girl.

Mommy got mad at me for talking to Daddy when they were fighting.  She accused me of talking to the enemy.

     You know she didn’t mean that. Mommy and Daddy made up, right?

But I felt bad when she said that to me. I didn’t like her calling Daddy the enemy. But I didn’t like betraying Mommy either. I love Mommy. I want to be like her. I want to be a Mommy.

     You’re a boy.  Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  Everyone says how smart you are. You do well in school. Mommy is proud of how well you do in school.  Daddy is proud of how well you do in school. He gives you a reward when you bring home a good report card. You are supposed to go to school and then get a job, get married and become a Daddy.

Can’t I get a job and be a Mommy? Some women do that these days.  And it doesn’t feel right to date a girl.

     No boy is going to ask you for a date. You are a boy, not a girl.  You’re a boy. Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  You’re supposed to like girls, not be one.  Boys become Daddies, not Mommies.  <echo & fade>

What’s so special about being a Mommy:

[Note: I cry during part of this. I think that I have finally mourned my mother’s death. It took over 8 years.]

Mommies tuck you in at night.

Mommies make you feel better when you are sick or hurt yourself.

Mommies discipline you but tell you that they love you when they do it and that it hurts them more than it hurts you.

Mommies tell you that they love you even when you get mad at them and say “I hate you” to them.

Mommies make nice things to eat including special treats.

Mommies put you ahead of themselves.

Mommies make Christmas and birthdays special.

Mommies know when you are upset and try to make you feel better.

Mommies are always there for you.

I want to be a Mommy.

[Written January 22, 2013 – this was not for an assignment.  I was already living full-time.  It was something I realized and wanted to discuss at a session.]

Sadness at being childless

The sad thing for me is that I will never know the joy of giving birth to a child.  That first moment when you feel something you have never felt before and an ancient instinct is repeated once again, letting you know there is a new life inside of you. You may go to a doctor or get a home pregnancy test to confirm it, but somehow you know.  It is your honor to carry that life inside of you, nurturing it with the fruits of your own body, protecting it like the precious jewel it is, taking better care of yourself than you ever have before in the knowledge that anything you do to your body affects your baby, the flesh of your flesh, and yet at the same time not even trying to understand any weird cravings you might be having, deciding your body knows better what it needs than your conscious mind does.  And the sacrifices you make!  Your figure, your comfort, your mobility, perhaps some of your favorite activities and your freedom, large chunks of your wardrobe, and even (you feel a little foolish for thinking this) the ability to see your own toes.  Finally the ultimate sacrifice, your willingness to experience the pangs of childbirth as you exert your body to its limits, knowing that you will never be quite this close again to your child, but it is the first of many times when you will need to let go.

If you have chosen well, your husband is by your side, sharing the joy of the life you have created together, knowing that now and for many years to come if your child is kept safe and healthy, you will be sharing the responsibility of nurturing that child through the stages of childhood until you have to let go once more to release your child into the adult world.  You look up at your husband, seeing the look of love and admiration on his face as he looks at you and your baby nestled in your arms.  You are so proud to be his wife and you know that the love you had for him as you were courting and in the honeymoon period of your marriage is now stronger, deeper and more mature.  You love the strength, protection and provision he brings into your life and the life of your family, and you know the feminine qualities you bring in return to make his life better, more balanced and more complete.  If, while in the grip of the worst labor pains, you felt a moment of anger toward him for putting you through that pain, those thoughts have vanished and you silently thank him for choosing you to be his wife, knowing that this meant it would be you to whom he would give his seed so you were able to experience this blessed event.

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. – Psalm 113:9

God bless,

Lois

Would you stand by your husband if …?

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acceptance, amicable, analogies, Billy Joel, Casey Stengel, children, choice, coming out, cure, divorce, emotional response, facing a crisis, family, guilt, happiness, Husband, immersion, intransigence, life events, logical argument, loss, Love, managing, marital problems, Marriage, mitigating circumstances, open and honest communication, questionnaire, relationship, save a marriage, separation, shame, smokescreens, social status, spouse, The Stranger, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, traumatic experience, undecided, understanding, unknown, vacillating, what will people think, Wife, withholding information

Because of the subject matter of this post, I sent a draft copy to a handful of MTF husbands who have come out to their wives and are at various stages of transition. They are also dealing with a variety of reactions from their wives.  The prognoses for their marriages range from hopeful to needing a miracle to survive.  At the end of my post, I will print some brief comments from five husbands who responded as well as one wife who was willing to make some comments.  Then I will have the last word because it is my blog!

On November 25, 2014, I posted about coming out to family.  During that post, I indicated that the most difficult family member to come out to is a spouse.  I tried to paint the picture as being very difficult, but not hopeless.

I have met one couple that stayed together after the husband went full-time.  A second MTF husband I know and her spouse were able to make it through a very difficult part of their process recently, although there are still major challenges to face.  She cites honesty and constant communication as being very important.

Meanwhile, I have been pondering this situation since I posted back in November.  I was an engineering major for two years, was acculturated male and worked for a company known as “The Problem Solvers” for 15 years.  So sue me?

What kept crossing my mind is that transition, while unquestionably a major, significant change in the dynamics of a marriage relationship, is not the only type of challenge that marriages face.  I often look for analogies in situations.  While some marriages have broken up over jealousy, money disagreements, interfering in-laws, boredom, and maybe even failure to put back the cap on the toothpaste tube, I also know of marriages that have survived severe situations.

So I have come up with a list of many severe situations.  While I am putting it in questionnaire form, there are no right or wrong answers.  There is no scoring system that evaluates how good you are as a spouse.  Nor is it meant to make someone feel guilty for failing to support a transitioning spouse.  Its aim is to provide perspective, which is generally helpful.  It may reveal something about your feelings towards your spouse and your attitude about marriage in general.  Those revelations, if any, are highly personal and only you can decide if you want to make any adjustments in these areas of your life.

Finally, there is absolutely no guarantee that looking at these questions will save a marriage relationship.  But I believe that they can, if approached sincerely, promote honest communication.  And if that honest communication can save just one marriage that would have otherwise failed, then it will have been worth it.

I do not recommend that the transitioning spouse ask these questions to their mate as in a test or an interview.  Rather, it would be better to suggest it as something that could be helpful for your situation, whether you give your spouse a link to this blog post or print out the questions and any other part you want to include.  In fact, if you want your spouse to take it, why not take it yourself?  It should be helpful and sobering to find out if you are asking something from your spouse that you might not be so willing to do yourself if the situation was reversed.

Most of these questions are gender neutral.  I have provided alternatives when they are not.  They are applicable to those who are legally married and those who consider themselves married (e.g. a common law marriage).  They are applicable to same sex couples as well as opposite sex couples.  I am grouping them under various headings.

Separation for an indefinite period of time: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Was serving in the military, captured, and held as a prisoner of war?
• Was traveling in a foreign country, arrested or kidnapped, and held as a political prisoner?
• Was lost at sea or some other remote part of the globe?

Criminal incarceration: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Was falsely convicted of any crime and imprisoned for many years?
• Committed a white collar crime against someone other than a family member and was imprisoned for many years?
• Committed a violent crime against someone other than a family member and was imprisoned for many years?

Health issues: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Is in a coma for an indeterminate period of time?
• Became significantly mentally impaired and deteriorating from Alzheimer’s disease or other form of dementia?
• Became physically unable to take care of himself or herself, especially if that caused a significant strain, financial or otherwise, on you?
• Is suffering from significant mental illness, whether or not institutionalized?
• Is addicted to drugs or alcohol and refusing to enter or continue with a recovery program?
• Suffers from any other untreated addictive behavior that had a significant negative impact on the quality of your marriage and family life?
• [If your spouse currently has male anatomy] Became permanently impotent through injury or disease? [If your spouse currently has female anatomy] Had a single or double mastectomy to treat a serious illness?
• [If your spouse currently has male anatomy] Became unable to father children at a premature age (other than by mutual consent)? [If your spouse currently has female anatomy] Became unable to bear children at a premature age (other than by mutual consent)?

Social Standing: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for political beliefs?
• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for religious beliefs?
• Is ostracized or discriminated against in your community and/or neighborhood for personal appearance?

Personal Beliefs [if applicable]: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Converted to another religion from the one you both followed or abandoned the religion you both followed?
• Made a significant move away from the political, social or moral philosophy you both shared?

Miscellaneous Situations: would you stand by your spouse if your spouse …

• Took a better job in a location distant enough to require you to leave a job important to you?
• Did something that accidentally led to the death or severe and lasting injury of a loved one?
• And you became sexually incompatible?
• Is unable or unwilling to help restore at least one of these (love, romance, harmony or respect) that disappeared from the marriage or from your spouse?

Situations where the change occurs to you, not your spouse: would you stand by your spouse if you …

• No longer loved your spouse?
• Are no longer attracted to your spouse?

There may be other serious situations that could be added to the list.  There were some that I deliberately left off because I personally find it difficult to even suggest that people remain together if a spouse places other family members in danger.  And in the case of infidelity, I look at that as a different question: should the marriage be restored now that the marriage relationship was broken by an act of unfaithfulness?

It is not intended that there be equivalence in severity between the situations listed and a spouse transitioning.  Indeed, what one person might find relatively easy to deal with, another person might find nearly impossible to handle.  Where transition fits in terms of severity will also differ from person to person.

None of the situations listed is a direct analogy to a spouse transitioning.  But there are elements of each situation that mirror the types of things that occur as a result of a spouse’s transition, things that non-transitioning spouses cite as an objection.  Examples would be loss of one’s sexual partner, concern over what other people will think, a drastic change from the person they married, and even the long-term absence of a living spouse by a means other than termination of the marriage.  The point is that there are other life events that can cause the same difficult situations that might be brought about by a spouse’s transition.  So the underlying question to the non-transitioning spouse is this: are you really objecting to the consequences of the transition or are you objecting to the transition as being the cause?

Indeed, part of being honest and communicative is avoiding smokescreens that tend to obscure the vision of both parties.  One objection that I have heard mentioned on a few occasions is the desire of the non-transitioning spouse to “protect the children”.  But while that idea has validity, is it being used to deflect the discussion away from one’s own objections to a reason that sounds more noble and less selfish?  Certainly each child is different, but children tend to be more accepting of a parent’s transition than spouses are.  What children need to be protected from most is separation, division and rancor between parents.

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids-are-resilient-and-7-other-lies-divorcing-107330654983.html

How can one tell if a smokescreen is being employed?  Sometimes it has to be tested.  I offer a case in point from my own life.  When my mother objected to my choice of my first serious relationship (and future wife), she used the “What will other people think” argument as part of her arsenal.

My fiancé started going to church with me on a weekly basis.  And soon my mother had a conversation with one of the more influential church members. She was the wife of a descendant of one of the founding families of the church, a family that still had political power within the community as members of the same political party to which my parents belonged.  And during that conversation, that influential church member told my mother how everyone in church thought my fiancé was wonderful.  She just knocked the legs out from under one of my mother’s arguments!  Rather than concede, however, my mother proudly reported to me how stunned this church member was when my mother replied that she didn’t approve of my fiancé.  Unfortunately, instead of reconsidering her position, my mother dug in her heels and made things worse.  As one of the teachers in my high school loved to say ironically, “Don’t confuse me with the facts.  My mind is made up.”  Even so, one of her smokescreens had been exposed.

On some occasions, another smokescreen is the claim that this is a matter of choice by the transitioning spouse.  Indeed, I would anticipate that some non-transitioning spouses, having answered the questions in this post, will claim the ability to accept certain consequences only when their spouse did not choose the causative event.  And we know that there are still many people who truly believe that being transsexual is a matter of choice.  For spouses with that belief, one can only present as much evidence as possible (see my links page and some of my posts for some of that evidence) and hope for the best.  But I have also heard of cases where the non-transitioning spouse did know better: for everyone other than their own spouse.  This is smokescreen and denial and a hindrance to open, honest communication.

Am I saying that the non-transitioning spouse must always stay with the transitioning spouse?  Must they always subordinate or deny their own needs for the sake of the transitioning spouse?  No!  Remember that I said that there are no right or wrong answers to questions I posed.  There are only honest answers or dishonest answers.  And while the honest answers might help some couples stay together through transition, in other cases it may make it clearer to both parties that an amicable end to the marriage is in order.

Transition is one of the most significant events that can affect a marriage.  It is not just about the needs of the transitioning spouse.  It is not just about the needs of the non-transitioning spouse.  It is about the needs of both.  Recognition of that by both parties improves (but doesn’t guarantee) the possibility that the relationship can be preserved.  I believe that every marriage that can be saved should be saved.

Comments:

JB from NJ writes: I can only speak from my own experience as to whether or not this type of questionnaire, presented to a spouse, would encourage communication or enlightenment. I believe it would not. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t post it.  Spouses, even those who “intellectually” grasp that GID is not something that one chooses to have, “emotionally” have difficulty letting go of the notion that the transitioning spouse is not “doing this to me”.

TE from AL writes: I think it is quite fine the way you have structured it and the questions given pretty much cover most issues that may occur in a marriage.

AL from NJ writes: It’s important for everyone who is in a relationship or married to count the cost if they are coming out, no matter if it’s before or after, but especially after.  it’s especially difficult if the relationship is long term.  I welcome the questions you ask, and I expect even the hardest of questions has more to do with the fear of the answer than the question.  We can’t anticipate anything other than the love our dear ones already hold, but that’s no guarantee when it’s a very difficult issue for so many.  And even more so in some ways for people of faith.

I think it’s just fine to come from your perspective.  After all, you’re asking questions that many of us have asked ourselves, but maybe not on paper.  The confrontation of how things are needs to be faced; we are not left without a choice, since even inaction is a choice, yes?

LE from TX noted on the phone: The main problem with the questionnaire is that it tries to solve an emotional issue for the wife using logic.  The wife might respond to every question the way we would have hoped, but then add, “But you are still taking away my husband.”

LA from NY writes: I think the article is great as is! I think you hit it pretty well, at least from my perspective. You voiced it in a way that sounds similar to how I would. I know that a valid decision to move on in a friendly way is important. That’s a valid choice and I think knowing that makes it easier, no one feels trapped, no one feels forced into anything.

In the end I think your article did what it was intended to do: it certainly has spurred a quite elaborate and lengthy conversation for the two of us [LA and her wife]!

LA’s wife added these thoughts: What are the problems in the marriage (if any) before the transitioning partner comes out/transitions that are due to one partner being transgender?  Both partners need to improve themselves through transition: meaning while the transitioning partner is working on themselves and finding themselves and improving, the non-transitioning partner needs to do work on themselves as well. This work both partners does is sort of like two addicts, both need to get help/treatment in order for the relationship and sobriety to be successful or the partner getting treatment needs to leave.

My closing comments: Knowing all the people who commented to some extent (except for LA’s wife), I was able to do some quick hand-waving analysis of the answers I received (all of which were helpful).  Those who tend to have a more optimistic personality and have seen at least some measure of success in the marriage relationship while transitioning were more likely to react positively to the questionnaire.  Those who tend to have a more pessimistic attitude or whose marriage appears to be over tended to be doubtful as to the usefulness of the questionnaire.

My first reaction was to be disappointed.  It seemed like those who needed it the most were the least likely to use it.  But I was encouraged by LA’s e-mails.  First she reviewed it and then she showed it to her wife.  (As far as I know, this is the only case where both spouses reviewed it.)  So I received positive feedback from the only time it was actually used as intended.  I took a course in Probability and Statistics in college, so I know that there is negligible validity of the results when the sample size equals one.  Even so, my mindset has been that if my blog hurts no one and helps even just one person, one couple, one family, one congregation, then the effort has been worth it.

Some spouses will react with hostility and their minds are made up when their husband comes out to them.  There are people who will be very difficult to reach, whether it is a matter of religious belief, or personality, or insecurities being exposed or simply that the love is no longer there.  On the other hand, we occasionally read about spouses who publicly stand by and support their transitioning spouse.  It would stand to reason that there would be many spouses between the polar opposites.

Casey Stengel was elected to Baseball’s Hall of Fame on the strength of his managerial record with the New York Yankees, winning ten AL pennants and seven World Series in twelve seasons.  One time, when he was asked the secret of his success, he replied that on every team he managed, there are players who love him, players who hate him and players who are undecided.  The goal, he said, was to keep the undecided players away from the ones who hated him.

Certainly, we would never want to invite an undecided spouse of a transitioning husband to a meeting where hostile or negative spouses will be present.  A better solution is to find an ethical, truthful way to win over an undecided spouse to be in agreement with us.  One way the indecision may manifest itself is a spouse who vacillates between a logical, understanding response and an emotional intransigent response.  Possibly a questionnaire like the one in this post will help the non-transitioning spouse see her responses in black and white and help her hold on to the understanding response.  Even if that still does not hold the marriage together, at least it should promote peace between spouses.

If a spouse is willing to work at finding a solution that both parties can live with, yet is operating predominantly in the emotional sphere, the only thing I can think of doing is to reflect the feelings back at her.  How would she feel if she was compelled to live under an identity that is not who she really is?

I am also becoming aware of some other strong feelings that play a part in this process: feelings of guilt on the part of the transitioning spouse.  And this is certainly understandable.  But like anything, these feelings can be taken to an extreme.  And if our guilt makes us feel unworthy of being accepted, what subliminal message does that send to our spouse?  Ever have or overheard one of these “conversations”?  “Hi.  You wouldn’t want to go out with me, would you?” [Refusal by the other person]  “Oh, okay.  Bye.”

Is it wrong to hide something significant from the person we are about to marry?  Yes.  Is transgender identity the only thing that is ever hidden before a marriage?  No!  Among the things someone might withhold from a future spouse include prior relationships, experimenting with alternate lifestyles, having been raped, having been molested or otherwise abused as a child, having had an abortion, having a congenital condition that is likely to shorten one’s lifespan, having been an addict, having been arrested.  Sometimes we can’t share the information because our mind has blocked it out.  Whether intentionally withheld or not, these things have a way of surfacing later in life and requiring both spouses to adjust.

And even when something significant is disclosed, its impact may be minimized or not fully understood at the time.  My ex told me about traumatic events to immediate family members that she witnessed in childhood.  Neither of us grasped how much that would affect her ability to maintain a long-term marital relationship or romantic partnership.

Going back to the information that is intentionally withheld, why do we do so?  Often, we felt guilty about it then, too.  We were ashamed to admit it.  We told ourselves it didn’t matter because it was in the past or we wouldn’t do that anymore.  And often, we were afraid: afraid that if our intended found out, we would lose out on the one chance of happiness with someone who really loves us.

When you are a transsexual of my generation, there are a few other reasons to add.  First of all in those pre-Internet days, most of us weren’t quite sure what to make of it.  This sense that I was really a woman inside, when considered in light of how it was reported the rare times we were able to find out anything about it: did it mean I was gay; a crossdresser; a perverted deviant; a horrible sinner who was mocking God’s creation?  Was it just a phase that I could outgrow or be cured of?  In fact, if I marry and have kids and get involved in guy stuff with male friends, hopefully I’ll learn to like those things and cure myself.

While these things don’t excuse, they do explain.  They describe mitigating circumstances.  They speak to the fact that we entered into marriage with the right motives of a fresh start and leaving behind baggage (not realizing how tenacious baggage can be).  We did not intentionally deceive or dupe our spouses, at least not any more than we deceived or duped ourselves.

“Well we all fall in love, but we disregard the danger.  Though we share so many secrets, there are some we never tell.  Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger?  Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5ofVsxTPoc

At the end of the day, only time will tell if this post and discussion becomes a beneficial tool in these delicate situations, whether employed by the parties to the marriage themselves, or administered by a neutral party such as a therapist.  Any further feedback to its use and what resulted would be greatly appreciated.

If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. – Romans 12:18

God bless,

Lois

More complete knowledge and understanding

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Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care!

That old joke sounded clever the first couple of times I heard it.  And this isn’t the first time that I’ve repeated it.  Yet God’s people must not be indifferent about ignorance.  God speaks this warning through the prophet Hosea: My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children. – Hosea 4:6

In the Bible, God counsels us to obtain knowledge, understanding and wisdom.  Knowledge can simply be gathered.  But without the ability to apply it, knowledge isn’t of much use.  That is where understanding comes in.  Understanding combines knowledge with an ability to judge and comprehend the subject matter at hand.  Wisdom is the possession of a superior level of understanding, the ability to consistently use good sense and judgment.

English: CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, 91st Edition (Title) Deutsch: CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, 91. Auflage (Titelblatt) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here’s an example from my scholastic days.  I generally did well in high school, but most of my best subjects were in math and science.  At that time, my career goal was in the area of urban planning and transportation engineering.  So I made an investment in an expensive must-have reference book: The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics.

For the benefit of those who are not familiar with this massive volume, it has the dimensions of a large dictionary, is about 3 inches thick, printed on thin paper.  This book is jammed with 2076 pages of formulas, tables, constants, charts, and other facts.

Here is where understanding comes into the picture.  Even with my science background, as I thumbed through the book at random today, I came upon many items that I never learned or understood.  There are also a number of items that I recognize but have forgotten how to use them.  Therefore, large sections of the information in this book are useless knowledge to me at this time.

Furthermore, the edition I own is the 49^th edition.  The latest edition is the 95^th.  There are now over 2600 pages of information, and that is after many of the mathematical tables have been removed since they are now readily available with a computer or calculator.  As scientific knowledge multiplies, the editors of the Handbook have to constantly evaluate what should be added and what is no longer essential.

Of course, new discoveries also mean that some items that were listed 45 years ago have been clarified or corrected.  Some of the material in my edition is no longer reliable.  It is out of date.  One example of interest to some readers of this blog is related to diethylstilbestrol (DES), a synthetic compound with estrogenic properties which a number of male to female transsexuals have learned that their mothers’ took while pregnant with them.  DES is still listed as a treatment for prostate cancer.  A more effective pharmaceutical treatment without estrogenic properties replaced DES in common use for prostate cancer in 1985.  While DES use during pregnancy was not mentioned in the Handbook, it was not banned until two years after my edition was published.  It is no longer manufactured or marketed in the United States since 1997.

No person can know everything.  Only God is all-knowing.  But collectively, within the body of Christ, it is incumbent upon us to remain aware of the latest additions to the wealth of knowledge in the world’s possession.  This means awareness of what are hypotheses, what are theories, what are measured results, and what results have been reproduced and confirmed elsewhere.  If that which is proven fact conflicts with man’s interpretation of God’s word, then we must reexamine the interpretation, comparing Scripture with Scripture, until we arrive at an interpretation and understanding that conforms to scientific fact.

This is what is so disturbing about some within the body of Christ, who ignore the proliferation of studies and case studies that demonstrate that the concepts of male and female (both physically and mentally) cannot be put into neat and separate little boxes and that there is a growing amount of evidence of a physical component to an incongruent gender identity; at the same time ignoring the personal testimony of the effort made by transsexual Christians to conform their gender identity to their physical appearance, through prayer and study of the Bible and exercise of faith, only to see our need to live authentically grow stronger and stronger.  This is what is so disturbing about being rebuked for relying on science by a brother in Christ and former friend, who ironically has a Ph.D. in a scientific field and by profession (before his recent retirement) designed clinical studies for a major pharmaceutical company.

The war between Christianity and science is a canard whose origins were perpetrated in the 1800’s to discredit Christianity.  Yet the story took root and has been repeated so often, it is now considered common knowledge by Christians and the secular world alike.  Academic research relying on original sources to debunk this outrageous lie has been ignored for nearly 20 years.  Shame on any Christians who have bought into a fraud that was meant to falsely accuse us and embarrass us.

http://www.veritas-ucsb.org/library/russell/FlatEarth.html

We can get in trouble when we are sloppy in our knowledge of Scripture.  In this case, we need to remember that Paul did not warn Timothy (and all people) against all use of science; he warned against “science falsely so called”. (1^st Timothy 6:20) We can also look at the example of Daniel, one of the most faithful and obedient of God’s servants despite living in captivity in Babylon, as well as his three friends, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah (who many are more familiar under the names Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego).  These four were among the children of Israel chosen for training by Nebuchadnezzar’s servant, Ashpenaz, based in part on being “skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science”. (Daniel 1:4) When these four are eventually set apart from all the others, we learn that it was God who “gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom”. (Daniel 1:17) Who are we to go against God?

Apparently there was junk science in Paul’s day and there is evidence of junk science now.  A man of great wisdom wrote these words under the guidance of the Holy Spirit: “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9) But we can find no disapproval in the word of God against the acquisition of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.  Nor did “much learning” drive Paul insane.

In other words, God finds no fault in the pursuit of pure science.  The word itself comes from the Latin word for “knowledge” based on the verb “to know”.  Here are the seven meanings of “science” with key words highlighted:

– a branch of knowledge or study dealing with a body of facts or truths systematically arranged and showing the operation of general laws:

– systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.

– any of the branches of natural or physical science.

– systematized knowledge in general.

– knowledge, as of facts or principles; knowledge gained by systematic study.

– a particular branch of knowledge.

– skill, especially reflecting a precise application of facts or principles; proficiency.

Against all these things, God has no law.  But to be aware of the things of God, to know what Paul wrote to Timothy or about the godly gifts bestowed upon Daniel and his friends, we need to systematically grow in knowledge of God’s word through continual study.

I expressed my thoughts on this matter in a recent discussion with a dear transsexual Christian friend (and also a scientist!) who I met through this blog.  She had expressed the belief that “there is lot more gray in the bible than the simple black and white that is so often touted to be the case in God’s word.”  Here is the main part of my reply:

I actually look at it differently.  I believe the Bible is black and white.  In some ways it has to be, since God doesn’t change, His word is forever settled in heaven and His yes is yes and His no is no.

From my point of view, it isn’t a matter of black and white versus gray.  It is a matter of how simple it is.  And some things are simple.  The basic message that you can come to Christ by faith, childlike faith, is simple enough that young children and unlearned adults can understand and respond to it positively.

But in deeper matters of theology, it takes time and study to harmonize the various passages of God’s word.  It takes work and effort.  “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” – 2nd Timothy 2:15

The best analogy I can come up with is computer graphics.  I am not an expert so I do not know all of terms.  But I understand the concepts.  Did you know that there are two ways to achieve gray in computer graphics?  One way is grayscale.  That is a method of adjusting the relative darkness of a pixel.  So if a printer is printing a grayscale page, 100% ink equates to black. Anything less than that and you start getting into lighter and darker shades of gray.

But the older method, the only method which certain devices (e.g. laser printers and fax machines) can process, is a binary image.  Now if your image resolution is comparable to the video game “Pong”, it will be very difficult to achieve gray.  To achieve gray instead of a splotchy black and white image, you need a lot of pixels per square inch (i.e., very tiny pixels, so tiny that it would be almost impossible to see one pixel of black on an otherwise white screen with the naked eye – maybe it would be impossible these days).  With high resolution, provide enough magnification and you can see that what looks to be gray is really a combination of very tiny black and white dots.

Over time, ways were found to create processes to make pixels smaller and the resolution better.  Each development and advance is like another time of studying the word, except each technology advance improves what you can create; each Bible study improves the amount of detail you can see.  And the more detail you can see, the better you know, using Ecclesiastes 3 as an example, when it is right to kill or heal, to speak or be silent, to love or hate, to wage war or make peace.  And that would also be true about discerning when it is acceptable in God’s sight to change the gender identity you present to the world.

Almost by necessity to cope with a complex world, people tend to simplify whenever possible.  Overdo simplification when it comes to Christianity, turn the microscopic pixels of God’s word into large polka dots, try to squeeze an infinite God into a tight box: you will run into serious error sooner or later.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. – Isaiah 55:8

God bless,

Lois

Why Me?

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In December, I had the first surgery of my entire 62+ year life.  I had stitches in my knee when I was in 8^th grade and had to walk on crutches.  (If someone squirts you with a water pistol and the school driveway was just graveled, don’t chase them.  Pick a more convenient time for payback on your terms.  Hah!)  I had my wrist x-rayed because I fell on wet grass and jammed it in 7^th grade.  In 10^th grade, I sliced the skin under my right thumbnail when I was washing wax off of petri dishes and one cracked in half because the water got too cold.  (I make my school sound like a dangerous place.  But I got through three years as a hockey goalie, four years as a starter on the baseball team, one year of cross country and one year of soccer with nothing more than shin splints and a temporary loss of a toenail when a slap shot hit my big toe dead on – wearing only regular skates, not goalie skates.)

About 25 years ago, I went to the hospital in an ambulance because of stomach pains.  I ended up walking home from the hospital a few hours later when the pain subsided and never found out the cause.  And in April 2007, I had to have an encapsulated infection drained when it blew up to the size of a Mallowmar.  I nursed that thing with home remedies and triple antibiotic cream until tax season was over and I could get it treated.  But three weeks ago, I had a procedure that actually could be classified as surgery.

No, it wasn’t one of those surgeries.  Except for a little makeup, a thin pad in my bra and a little “better living through chemistry”, I am still “what you see is what you get.”  (I was on prescription hormones for less than a month for all but two of the pictures on my Flickr page that you can access from the Links page on this blog.)

What I had was a conjunctival cyst removed from my left eye.  As anyone familiar with conjunctivitis knows, that means it was on the eye ball.  It was tiny as eye ball cysts go.  In fact, my optometrist thought it was a fluid bubble on the surface of the eye ball and just needed to be “popped”.  But it was an actual cyst containing a clear substance.  The biopsy came back that it was benign.

The adventure happened on the evening after I came home from surgery.  I was awake but sedated during the operation.  So I did need to have an IV in my arm during the operation.  I was wheeled upstairs into a recovery room where they gave me a buttered roll, flavored gelatin and water.  (I hadn’t eaten solid food in about 16 hours by this point and nothing orally for about 12 hours.)  At some point, they told me that I could get dressed and that they were calling the person who would be coming to pick me up and take me home.  I had a patch and a plastic “egg” half taped over the left eye.

A swing through the drive thru of the golden arches closest to home and I had my quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a large sweet tea.  I made two phone calls after eating to make an appointment with the ophthalmologist the next day and then arrange transportation.  Then I took a four hour nap to recover from the sedation.

I woke up and was hungry again.  I had already planned on making an omelet.  Soon I had a cheese omelet, English muffin and juice in front of me.  I ate while watching the previous night’s episode of NCIS online.  But I felt something sticking me in my left arm every time I would bend it.  When the show was finished and I cried a little for McGee’s loss, I rolled up my blouse sleeve.  There was the cause: plastic tubing connected to a needle still stuck in the crook of my arm.  And beneath the tubing was a reddish-purple circle of blood.  I found the paperwork that contained what I should do if I had a post-operative problem.  The person I spoke to at the hospital said I should call an ambulance and that this was enough of an emergency to call 911.  (First and hopefully only time I have done that.)

I went down to the lobby of my building.  (There isn’t room in my tiny apartment for much more than me right now.)  Soon, I was joined by two paramedics, a two-person ambulance team and two local police officers.  So after a debate as to whether to remove it there or take me to the emergency room (I told them “Whenever in doubt, CYA.”), five of them stood around while one of them removed the apparatus, cleaned it with alcohol and then taped it with gauze.  (The building’s Christmas tree next to me added a festive touch.)

Apparently it was a hectic day at the hospital.  So instead of just one nurse taking care of me in recovery, I was handed off to another.  Each nurse thought the other nurse had removed the tube.

In the end, it was much ado about nothing.  But I was told that had nothing been done, it could have become infected or even a blood clot go into my bloodstream because of it.  My reaction could have been “Why me?  Why does stuff like this always happen to me?”

And indeed there was a time that I had that attitude about my life.  In addition to the burden of being born trans, I could point to career underachievement, lack of a successful relationship, and financial troubles.  And once you go down that road, you start to tack on every little problem or slight in life, real or imagined.

In my late twenties, I learned in career counseling how important it was to have a positive attitude.  After I was saved at age 36 and I began to understand the ramifications of that event, I knew intellectually that I had one thing in my life that I did not earn or deserve that made up for any bad breaks that kept me from rewards I thought were my due.  But old tapes have a way of replaying when you are vulnerable.  Pity parties require little planning and few guests.

One of the things that helps me through the day, besides Bible reading and prayer, is my daily dose of comic strips.  They remind me of the absurdities of life, to laugh at them and sometimes laugh at myself.  One of the strips I read daily is One Big Happy by Rick Detorie.  The star of the comic is a precocious six-year old girl named Ruthie.  She is a pip, but she is also as lovable as she is bright.

In one Sunday comic strip, Ruthie settles down to say her prayers before going to bed.  She comes to God wondering about the fact that some people talk about their misfortunes and ask, “Why Me?”  But then she starts to tell God about all the good things in her life: a nice house and yard to play in, enough food to eat and clean clothes to wear, the fun things she does with her dad and the dress-up games she plays with her mom, a brother (two years older) who can be a pain sometimes but who also plays with her and holds her hand when they watch a scary show together, her grandpa who tells her jokes and plays cards with her and her grandma who watches movies with her while they eat popsicles (grandma and grandpa live next door).

As Ruthie finishes her list, she concludes that her life is very good indeed.  And so she asks God, “Why me?”  In counting her blessings, she realizes how fortunate she is compared to many people.  In response, her attitude towards God is commendable.  She wants to know why God would choose to show her favor.

I am considerably older than Ruthie.  But I find myself in the same position now.  And ironically, much of it is connected to my transition experience.  I am liked and respected by the members of my new church (both those who know my past and those who don’t); while some Christians have rejected me, most have stayed in fellowship with me, including the pastor of my previous church (if the weather cooperates, we are having lunch today); while my brother is still struggling with the news told to him two months ago, he hasn’t rejected me, and all the cousins who I was in contact with prior to transition are very supportive; I retained most of my clients and added new ones to replace those who left; I am in very good health for my age with only one minor surgery and still no overnight stays in the hospital since my mom brought me home for the first time; and people tell me that I don’t look my age and some even think I am attractive; I have had zero bad incidents in public since I went full-time 26 months ago plus a year before that when I was somewhat androgynous (but wearing male clothes).

Yet I am well aware that this is not typical for an MTF transsexual.  For years I read about (and was deterred by) stories of transsexuals being estranged from families, thrown out of churches, losing jobs, being beaten up, being murdered.  Only a fortunate few were able to rise above.  But if they were public figures, they were also fodder for comedy routines.  Some others managed to live in stealth, constantly wondering if they would be outed.  The rest paid even higher prices to live in accord with their innate gender identity.

But now I am getting these stories from a new source.  As the number of readers of my blog slowly increases, I am hearing from some of you.  I am hearing first-hand of your struggles with family, career problems, opposition from your religious community, and friends turned away or attacked.  A few of you see me as an oasis in a dry and dusty land.

And so I am asking God, “Why me?”  Why am I being spared most or all of what these dear people are going through?  I know that some of it is circumstantial, based on geography and family structure.  But I believe it is more than that, the beginnings of God’s affirmation that He has more than a blog for me: He has a ministry.  I do not hold myself out as a trained or licensed counselor.  But I can share Scripture, be a friend and give perspective.  Occasionally there may be additional ways I can help, perhaps to talk to a third party.  The Lord is still working on me and there are areas of my life that need more discipline.  Plus at this time of my life, tax season and my clients still have a higher priority because the bills need to be paid.  But I am here and watching to see what develops.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

God bless,

Lois

New Links – January 2015

Tags

brain composition, brain structure, chromosomes, fetal, gender differentiation, Gender Identity, genitalia, gestation, hormones, human brain, Intersex, neuroscience, pregnancy, stealth, testosterone, Transgender, Transsexual, XY normative woman

The following have been added to my Links page:

Additional studies that show a relationship between brain structure or composition and gender identity:

http://scicasts.com/neuroscience/2064-systems-neuroscience/8812-networks-of-the-brain-reflect-the-individual-gender-identity/

http://www.jneurosci.org/content/34/46/15466

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3654067/

http://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-1-4614-1997-6_115

 

Case study that verifies the existence of XY normative women who have been able to give birth through one or more unassisted pregnancies:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2190741/

 

More and more evidence continues to become known that at birth some people do not fit into distinctly different male and female boxes.  When you put these studies together, this is what is significant:

• In addition to the visible physical differentiation between men and women, there are also brain differences between male and female.
• The brain and genitals both differentiate in response to hormones.
• The brain and the genitals differentiate at different points in the gestation process.
• Therefore, while in the vast majority of cases the brain and the genitalia differentiate in the same direction, there is no guarantee that it has to happen that way. For example if fetal testosterone levels are high during genital differentiation but low during brain differentiation, a person could be born with a male body and a female gender identity.
• There are a variety of rare conditions that can lead to Intersex and/or Transsex conditions. Therefore, there is no one physical determinant that is 100% accurate in assessing gender identity.  Chromosomes are not always an accurate indicator.  Genitalia is not always an accurate indicator.

Thank you to one of my trans-Christian friends who provided these links.  I wish I could credit her by name, but she lives in a part of the country hostile to transgender people, plus she has other reasons to remain in stealth at this time.

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?  When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.  Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.  One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.  For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.  And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD. – Psalm 27:1-6

God bless,

Lois

Leelah Alcorn

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Bible, blame, born transsexual, children, Christian counseling, Civil Rights, comfort, counting the cost, curse, discrimination, ears to hear, fair-minded people, family, forgiveness, Gender Identity, God, God doesn't make mistakes, grief, human decency, insult, Internet, judgment, last wish, Leelah Alcorn, martyr, Matthew 18, parents, prayer, punishment, reaching out to God, redemption, right hand of fellowship, sacrifice, selfish, siblings, Social Justice, studying the Bible, stumbling block, suicide, suicide note, Testimony, Therapy, Transgender, Transsexual, truck, truck driver, Tumblr

This is not the positive story with which I planned to start off the New Year on my blog.  But it is a story that needs to be told as often as possible.  Leelah Alcorn, an Ohio teenager, took her life because of the rejection she felt from parents.  Leelah Alcorn identified as female and as transgender.  Before her death, she wrote in a suicide note posted on a social media site that she knew she was female since she was four years old and finally learned the meaning of “transgender” at age 14.

According to a friend and next door neighbor, Leelah did not have problems coming out at school.  The problem was with her family.

An indication of the problem is that Leelah’s mother did not acknowledge her child’s gender, even in death.  She wrote that her “sweet … son” had died from being hit by a truck when going for a walk.

That walk was along Interstate 71 somewhere between 2 and 2:30 AM.  That is not the time or place that people go for a casual walk.  That is where someone goes to get up courage to dart out of the dark in front of a tractor trailer truck.

I preach compassion and understanding.  It is the right thing to do.  I’m sure her parents really thought they were doing what was best for their child.  I can even understand why they embarked on a course of Christian counseling for Leelah.  After all, it is consistent with the teachings they had been given by those they relied on for spiritual guidance.

But at what point do you stop and realize that it isn’t working?  That no progress was being made after at least two years?  (One strange discrepancy in the news stories is that they uniformly report Leelah’s age as 17, but Leelah’s mother posted the age of “her son” as 16.)  Leelah remained depressed and apparently uncommunicative with her parents.  Leelah was even put on medication (a rather drastic step for most faith-based counselors) that did not help.

The spirit of this human being, their child, was being oppressed and crushed day after day.  She was isolated from friends and effective therapy that might have saved her life: the life she wanted; the life she was entitled to as her own.

My heart goes out to Leelah’s two sisters and her brother.  My heart aches for the truck driver who had the ill fate of driving along that stretch of road at that moment in time.  Logic knows that there was no possible way to avoid hitting Leelah.  But logic will not ease the pain of reliving that moment: seeing Leelah, experiencing the moment of impact, and then seeing her destroyed, bloody, lifeless body.  I have not seen the name of the driver released, but God knows the name.  Pray that the truck driver will find peace.

It will be harder to pray for Leelah’s parents.  But I cannot and will not join in the backlash that has formed against them.  The most likely result is that they and the members of their congregation will rally around them and dig in their heels.  Being judgmental (ironically a charge often leveled against Christians), is not an effective way to change hearts.  Nor does it bring Leelah’s final wish, that her death would mean something, any closer to reality.

Leelah’s suicide note has made the rounds on the Internet.  Even so, I will give her one more venue in which to speak for herself, especially since her Tumblr page on which the suicide note was placed was removed from the Internet in response to a demand from Leelah’s parents.  I will intersperse comments clearly marked as mine.

When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.

[Lois’s note: On 12/3/13, my blog post titled “God doesn’t make mistakes” deals with this very topic, but points out that this is actually supportive of those of us who were born transgender.  Since we were born this way and it is not a choice, and since God made us the way we are inside as well as outside, then we are only being who we have been created to be by God.  Many of my blog posts deal with this from various Biblical perspectives.  See any post under the category “The Bible on transsexualism”.  I also know that the one time my mom caught me dressed, what she told me was unintentionally hurtful.  But it was easier to take because I had much other tangible evidence that my parents loved me.  Apparently Leelah did not feel that same assurance.]

My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.

[Lois’s note: Leelah says that her mom took her to a therapist, a positive step.  But then she writes “therapists” as in plural.  So my guess is that when therapist number one didn’t make any progress, all that happened was a revolving door of Christian therapists, the parents never willing to admit that the reason for the lack of progress was the closed-minded, biased approach of the therapists.  It truly is insane to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.  Furthermore, the haughty, condescending attitude of these so-called therapists is deplorable.  Although I have no evidence regarding Leelah’s relationship with God or her prayer life other than that she went to church at her parents’ request, the remarks of these people in the name of therapy is something that I and many of my trans Christian friends have been told by Christian pastors, counselors and former friends who think they are setting us straight.  And since all of us are many years older than Leelah, it is even more insulting to us.  We are called selfish when we sacrificed our own lives for decades trying to please others by being something we are not.  We are called wrong even though the Bible verses they use (if any) are so flimsy that they can be answered without breaking a sweat.  And they disregard our testimony, in effect calling us liars, when we tell them how much we have reached out to God in this matter, in prayer, in studying the Bible and in seeking someone we could trust to be discreet, honest, open-minded and insightful in providing counsel.  Ignoring our testimony that knowledge of our gender identity goes back to childhood, they treat us as if we were bored one day and decided this would be a fun and interesting thing to do.  They have no concept of how long we wrestled with this and counted the cost before proceeding.]

The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say, “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

This is the way that Leelah concluded her suicide note.  Leelah, dear soul, I and many other people are telling your story to honor your last wish.  You are more than a victim: you are a martyr in the cause of social justice for all transgender people.  If there is any human decency in the world, your plaintive final words will strike a chord that will move the hearts of fair-minded people, just as images of attack dogs, fire hoses, bombed churches and lynchings moved fair-minded people 50 years ago in the cause of civil rights for black people.

As for Leelah’s parents, I continued to think about them as I wrote this post.  And I have come to understand that their punishment has just begun within their own minds, far worse than anything mankind can do to them.  Regardless of what they are saying in denial or to save face or in their own grief, they will have to live with the knowledge that this child who they have brought into the world blames them for driving her to suicide.  They will have to live with the knowledge that Leelah left this earth comforting her brother and two sisters, but with a curse to them.  They will have to live, wondering how their other children feel about them now, or perhaps even knowing that one or more of them also blame them for Leelah’s death.  They will have to live wondering if their children can forgive them for what they did to take their sister away from them.  And while I will not pretend to know if or how God is speaking to their hearts right now, they will still have to live wondering how their parenting of Leelah will be judged on that day when all that we have done will be judged as either precious or worthy of nothing more than to be burned in the fire.

And will they wonder if, in thinking they were saving their child, they actually put a stumbling block (i.e. offended) in the way of Leelah and drove her further away from God?  Will their hearts be pierced whenever they read these words or hear them preached upon?

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. – Matthew 18:4-6,10,14

And if Leelah’ parents were face to face with me right now?  I serve a God of redemption.  I would hold out the right hand of fellowship to them.  If they have ears to hear, I would do my best to unfold the Scriptures to them that I have discovered in my 25 year search for truth on this topic.  And I would do the same for any Bible-believing Christian parent who has a transgender child, regardless of the state of their relationship with that child.  I do not hold myself out as a therapist.  But I have shared the Gospel and taught the Word of God and have decades of study to show myself “approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” (2^nd Timothy 2:15)

God forgive us,

Lois

Coming out to family – the Kobayashi Maru for transsexuals

Tags

acceptance, allies, beliefs, children, coming out, Counselor, culture, death, dying, Enterprise, family, family member, friends, GoFundMe, hate, Helen Boyd, Holy Spirit, indignity, James T Kirk, Jennifer Gable, Kobayashi Maru, Leslie Fabian, MTF, no-win scenario, parents, rejection, religion, siblings, spouse, Star Fleet Academy, Star Trek, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, strategy, support, TDOR, therapist, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, vulnerable, Wife

I am old enough to remember when the original three seasons of Star Trek were on television in the 1960’s.  The hard core following of fans (Trekkies) eventually led to movies featuring the original cast, a number of new television series that were sequels plus one prequel, and more recently an alternate reality Star Trek.  It has been an impressive run for the franchise.

The Kobayashi Maru test was not introduced until the movie “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”.  But it has been revisited a number of times since then in Star Trek literature, video games and even the alternate reality.

In brief, this test was designed by Star Fleet Academy to see how their cadets would react to a “no-win” scenario.  There was not supposed to be any way to pass the test in the sense of achieving both of the desired outcomes (rescuing a civilian ship in distress in the neutral zone and preserving the Enterprise and the lives of the crew members).

Eventually, it is learned during Wrath of Khan that Kirk was the only person in Star Fleet Academy history to pass the test.  He did so by secretly reprogramming the computer prior to taking the test.  Rather than being punished for cheating, he received a commendation for original thinking.  However, he is accused at a later date of having cheated death rather than facing it.

Whether it is large or small, most of us have a family.  For those of us who are transsexual, intertwined in making the decision to transition is deciding whether to tell our family members.  Associated with the decision to come out is the expectation of rejection.

This is the source of Kobayashi Maru for us: that sense that we are in a no-win situation when we come out to family members.  We are faced with not two but three choices that appear to be less than satisfactory: tell our family and be rejected; quietly leave our family so they feel rejected and don’t know why it happened; grit our teeth and suffer in silence as we hide our secret behind a mask as we deny ourselves and fend off transitioning.

Like the Kobayashi Maru, each of these choices carries with it a sense of dying.  In the first two choices, we die to family.  The only difference is who makes the choice to pull the plug.  In the third choice we die to self, a little bit more each day.  But in some ways, the third choice is an illusion.  For most of us, our self-preservation instincts kick in and we narrow the test down to the first two choices.  We realize that it is transition or die.  But in the saddest cases of all, the trans person chooses physical death.  In tragic irony, to spare one’s family of losing the child, sibling, parent or spouse they thought they knew, they cause that very loss.

Family rejection is all too real.  This week, you may have read the story of Jennifer Gable.  At age 32, Jennifer was suddenly struck down a few weeks ago by a brain aneurysm that occurred without warning.  In life, her family rejected her.  But an even greater indignity occurred when she died.  Her birth family was able to determine how she was treated post mortem.  In her obituary, her funeral, her final resting, they denied that Jennifer ever existed.  All references to her used the male name she had rejected.  For the final viewing and burial, they had her hair cut short and had her dressed in male clothes.  In her obituary, they only referred to events that occurred during the portion of her life when she was in her male persona. They covered up anything about her female persona, even though her transition occurred when she was in her twenties.  The only pronouns used to refer to her are male.

When we observed TDOR in recent days, we were reminded anew of the indignities that are perpetrated upon those of us in the transgender community and our allies, indignities that accompany the taking of lives.  And now we read of a family so hateful toward their own daughter that they would extend those indignities into the grave.

A friend of Jennifer has created a fund to try to set things right.  For those of you who believe that this is a worthy cause to consider, here is a link to its GoFundMe page:

http://www.gofundme.com/hoboug

And if you want to read the full story on Yahoo, here is the story link:

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/transgender-womans-family-buries-her-as-a-man-103476713077.html

So far I have painted the bleakest picture.  Not every family rejects.  In rare but joyful cases, the entire family accepts and embraces their trans family member.  Hopefully, this is happening more often, especially with the families of transgender children who come out.

Then, there are the cases where the reaction is mixed.  Some accept and some do not.  Yes, that might mean increased family tension, but at least the transitioning person has some family members to lean on.

If surveys have been done in terms of which family members are most likely to be accepting, I am not aware of them.  There’s little point in speculating on who is more likely to be accepting.  Would mother be more likely than father?  Does birth order or the gender of the siblings play a role?  Ultimately, all that matters is the individual trans person’s experience.  The sample size equals one.  How the family reacts trumps the statistics.

People generally want to protect the children.  And yet they may be the most resilient and understanding of all the family members.  Once again, which ones will accept and which ones will not is guesswork.  And it should be remembered that for all family members, the initial reaction may not be the final one.  Someone who initially rejects may come around in time.

There are also external factors that influence the decision to acceptance or rejection.  In particular, we can look to the categories of culture and religion.  Decisions are made in an atmosphere of national beliefs and sometimes regional beliefs.  They are made in light of their family’s spiritual beliefs.  And it also depends upon whether the family member tends to conform to or rebel against their family’s norms.

I have saved one family member for last.  I did so because this family member’s reaction is the most important in terms of future family stability.  I did so because this person is a strong influence on the couple’s children.  And I did so because this person is the most likely to be negative.  I am talking about the spouse.

I am not familiar with any details of an FTM transsexual who was married to a man prior to transition.  But I know a few MTF transsexuals who were married to a woman prior to transition.  I know some whose marriages ended, some whose marriages are in the process of ending, some who are keeping a marriage together during transition (for some it is a struggle), and some who are facing what might happen to their marriage once they start transition.

This is the relationship that appears to have the most difficult time surviving.  Typical comments from the wife are, “I didn’t sign up for this,” or “I’m not a lesbian,” or “I thought I married a man, not a woman.”  This is where the no-win situation is the most frequent and most obvious.  Transition and the spouse’s reaction to it often splits the marriage apart and leaves little common ground on which to stand.  It is a profoundly grievous situation.

Even sadder is when a spouse feels justified in turning the children against the transitioning parent.  Of course, we must remember that this often happens during the divorce of a cisgender couple.  But it is especially hard on a transgender parent who usually is much more vulnerable and suffering loss from many directions.

Again, I will point out that some marriages do survive, at least in some form.  Helen Boyd has written two books about her continuing marriage with a transsexual husband.  More recently, Leslie Fabian has written a book in support of her trans husband, describing the three year process of struggling to be accepting and supportive to actually falling in love all over again with the person she married.  But they are examples of the exception, not the rule.  A husband’s transition is often too much for “till death do us part” and “unconditional love” to bear.  And I even know of cases where the wife willingly admits that her husband has become a better person by casting off her mask and becoming her true self, yet still struggles to find a way to stay in the relationship.

Is there a way to implement the Kirk solution to the Kobayashi Maru for transsexuals?  If there is, I don’t see it.  When a transsexual comes out to family members, people are involved, not computers.  But I do have some suggestions.

First, make any amends with loved ones that are due them.  Do not require them to do so in return.  I am not advising you to ACT like a better person.  I am counseling you to BE a better person.  Hopefully accepting your true self will help accomplish that.  The closer you are to transition, the shorter your time to do this and some may be suspicious of your motives anyway.  But it could help with some family members.

Second, plan an overall strategy.  In what order do you tell people?  Come out first to adults who are most likely to be supportive and an ally with other family members.  Come out last to those who are either least likely to be supportive or who are most likely to gossip to other family members that you would prefer to tell yourself.  Minor children will almost certainly require some negotiation with your spouse as to how and when they will be told, including who else needs to be present.  Some may forbid the children being told at all.  This area is especially likely to require help from your therapist/counselor.

Third, tailor your approach to the individual family member.  I only needed to come out to one immediate family member, but I did also come out to a close cousin.  And while I had to tell some clients and friends in a mass mailing due to time and geography limitations, I did tell a number of others in person.  Their attention span, my awareness of their beliefs, my estimation of their likelihood of accepting and any other personal knowledge I had about them all went into tailoring my approach.  When I was less confident during my early attempts, I relied more on third party material in case I became nervous.  But I also had to guard against overconfidence when things started to go well.  And if you like to joke around, you may need to curb it somewhat, and especially be on guard against a joke which could be misinterpreted and bring out the “icky” factor in the other person.

Finally, as a Christian, I relied on the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  My own gender counselor closely questioned the decision on who to come out to first in my apartment building.  It proved to yield many benefits far beyond where I live.  Some of my TG friends initially chided me for being overly cautious and analytical.  They later acknowledged how it led to my success.  I was following the Spirit’s guidance in these matters.

On an even more personal note, the close family member I mentioned is my brother.  Because we had other differences to patch up, I just came out to him two weeks ago.  He is struggling with the news, but reports from his wife and from one of my cousins make me hopeful that things will work out.

Let brotherly love continue. – Hebrews 13:1

God bless,

Lois

Why does it come down to bathrooms?

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assault, bathroom facilities, bullies, Chaz Bono, children, compromise, crime, criminal impersonation, cross dresser, dangerous, daughters, desecration, disguise, fear-mongering, female to male, hatred, Ladies Room, lifestyle, loophole, male to female, moderate point of view, Murder, physical vulnerability, protection, Public bathrooms, rape, safety, schools, TDOR, teenager, Transgender, transgender community, transgender rights legislation, Transsexual, victims, Women's bathroom

… when it should be about violence against transgender people?

I am female.  That makes me physically vulnerable.  Sometimes, I use the ladies room in public places.  It is a personal issue for me.

As a woman in the world, I need to be aware of my surroundings.  That means where I park my car, where I walk late at night and so on.  It has nothing to do with being transgender.  Having just passed year two of real life experience, the evidence is that very few people have read me.  Certainly they would not from a distance.  This is what friends tell me and this is what the reactions of strangers (or lack thereof) tell me.  So while I am aware of the excessive violence against transgender members of society, my perceived vulnerability is related to being female.

Some time ago, I had the opportunity to comment on some legislation that would give the right of people to (in laymen’s terms) use bathroom facilities based on the way they are presenting themselves at the time.  If they are dressed female, they would have the right to use female restrooms.

My initial reaction is that the legislation was too broad.  Like many women, I would not want to encounter someone the size of an NFL defensive lineman in a women’s bathroom at the mall, simply because that person decided to wear a dress and a wig and maybe smeared on some makeup.  My concern was not about a transgender person, regardless of size.  Rather it was about someone looking for a loophole in the law to prey on women in a place where we need to have an expectation of safety and privacy.

My confession is that I now realize that I was wrong to not comment favorably on the legislation.  There are a number of reasons.  From a legal standpoint, the situation I am concerned about is covered by statues that make it illegal for a person to use disguises or impersonation to facilitate the commission of a crime or the express purpose of committing a crime.  That covers assault, bank robbery, impersonating a police officer and pulling over a motorist on the highway and so on.  If we need to add a clause to transgender rights legislation that confirms that nothing in that new law will nullify the existing laws about committing a crime while in disguise, then do it.  Don’t throw out the law on that basis.

But there is a more basic reason.  It has to do with the reality of who needs to be protected.

Once again we have reached the time of year when we remember those members of the transgender community who were murdered in the past year.  Once again we will read the names of hundreds of those victims of hatred.  Once again we will be reminded that merely living life as we know ourselves to be, based on how we were born, we are thousands of times more likely to end our life at the brutal hands of another human.  Once again we will read and hear the causes: blunt force trauma to the head; multiple stab wounds; stoning; multiple gunshot wounds; dismemberment; suffocation; burning; strangulation; hanging; thrown from a vehicle and run over; pushed off a moving train; drowned.  We are told about the indignities that sometimes are added to these murders: rape, eyes removed, victims bound and gagged, victims dumped like trash.  We read the locations.  Yes many occur in foreign countries: Brazil, India, the Philippines, England and Turkey to name a few.  But this epidemic brutality has not departed from the United States.  Since our last TDOR memorial, we have notice of murders in Cleveland, Baltimore, Memphis, and Los Angeles as well as some smaller municipalities.

Nor does murder against members of the transgender community respect an age limit.  The oldest victim was 55 years old; the youngest eight.  The child’s father was the murderer.  The reason: the child refused to get a haircut, liked women’s clothing and dancing.

Now tell me, how many murders were committed in the past year by members of the transgender community against people because they were perceived to be cisgender?  How many murders were committed in the past year by men disguised as women who preyed on women in public restrooms or similar places provided for women?  Could it happen?  Of course it could.  Does it happen?  Send me the report from a legitimate news source and I will not deny it.  Would the number, if any, approach the number of transgender people murdered over the same time period?  Not even close.

So who is it that needs protection again?  With all the fear mongering and hand wringing about what someone might do or who might be going into the same bathroom at school as your daughter, there are hundreds of people who are actually being killed and even desecrated.  The outcry is against something theoretical that has not caused problems when put into practice in various locations.  But even worse, the outcry is against laws that are designed to attempt to protect people who actually are getting murdered and assaulted.

People are sensitive about what happens to children.  Let’s take a closer look at the arguments about schools.

First of all, who do your daughters need to fear?  Are there no girl bullies in your school?  Consider yourself fortunate.  Some schools even have girl gangs.  Not only are they using the same bathrooms as your daughter, they are far more likely to be predatory than a male to female transgender child.

In fact, the transgender child is more likely to be the recipient of violence than the inflictor (as we also see in the adult world).  What you are demanding is that someone else’s daughter (as her parents see her), a transgender girl, use a boy’s bathroom dressed as a girl with all her male classmates knowing that she acts like a girl.  Don’t you see how cruel that is?  Don’t you see how much more dangerous that is to this child than the hypothetical fear that you are projecting on this situation.  And I say hypothetical because in school districts were this has been tried (for example in Los Angeles for 10 years) no problems of the kind you are claiming are occurring.  But we certainly know many cases of transgender children being bullied and attacked.

Furthermore, when you say is that you don’t want a male to female transgender child in the bathroom with your daughter, you are implying (whether you know it or not) that it is acceptable to you for a female to male child to be in that bathroom with her.  Regardless of the body with which this child was born, he now thinks of himself as male, has the attitudes of a male, may be working out his body as a male.  In other words, if your daughter is in middle or high school, you are perfectly fine with your daughter being in the bathroom with someone who essentially is a teenage guy.  The only thing he can’t do is get your daughter pregnant.  But he could certainly molest her, if that is what is on his mind.

Now please understand here that I am not saying that this is what female to male transsexuals do or are inclined to do.  The point that I just made is that this is the consequence of the absurd reasoning of those who are hateful and fear-mongering.  Part of this is because the protection of daughters is a bigger flash point than the protection of sons.  Another part is that there is much more attention in society given to male to female than female to male.  When the “average” cisgender person thinks at all about the topic of transgender, my experience is that male to female is far more likely to come to mind.  If not for Chaz Bono, many cisgender people might not even know that the transgender door swings both ways.  Perhaps some people still aren’t aware of that fact.

There are some Christian parents who object to their children being exposed to this “lifestyle”.  I respect their right to their opinion.  But let me point out two things.  First, do they send their children to schools were all the students are Christian?  If they are going to public school, the answer is almost always “no”.  Therefore, they are exposing their children to others who might tell them about the beliefs of another religion, or even the belief that God doesn’t exist.  Isn’t that a far riskier exposure that might turn their children away from what they are teaching them?  In comparison, transgender is one tiny issue that is still a rare phenomenon in society.

And that is the second point.  It is a phenomenon, not a lifestyle.  Children at age young ages (often pre-school) are not choosing a lifestyle.  They are simply declaring who they are.  Those who know truly know.  No matter how much sand some people try to shovel against the tide, the growing evidence is that this is a birth condition.  Indeed, this is the way God made them (and me) and that is what you are arguing against.

Now, move ahead to the adult years.  While the exposure to an objectionable lifestyle argument generally disappears at this time, all the other arguments against transgender rights to use a bathroom commensurate with one’s presentation remain.  But the counter arguments are also the same and even stronger.  For someone presenting as a woman to use a men’s public bathroom is even more dangerous than in school.  The men are stronger and the security is laxer.  And the transman who would be required to use the woman’s bathroom is also now likely to be much stronger.  As an adult, he is far more likely to be on testosterone, not just estrogen blockers.  He is building solid muscle, especially if he is working out.  And many do work out.

Finally, let me address what appears to be a moderate point of view.  I have spoken to people who are supportive of me, but they have a problem with some legislation being too extreme.  They will support legislation that allows people who can show that they have been diagnosed as transgender to use the bathrooms of their target gender.  But they draw the line at a man being allowed to use a woman’s bathroom just because “he feels like a woman that day” (as some would make the argument).

This is pretty much where we came in.  Basically, we are addressing the fear that someone will use this as a loophole to prey on women.  But as we have seen, this is a red herring.  There are other laws that cover this situation.

But while restricting the rights to those who have been diagnosed might sound like a reasonable compromise, there are still many transgendered people who would be exposed to unnecessary danger over such a compromise.  First of all, it does not protect the male to female transsexual who has not yet been diagnosed and in some cases those who have requested a delay in that diagnosis because of family, job or insurance issues.

Second, it does not take into consideration the fact that there are some transgender people who are not transsexual in the sense that those terms have been used in recent years.  They cross dress.  They enjoy expressing their feminine side on a regular and ongoing basis.  But they still see themselves as belonging to their assigned gender.  If their birth certificate states that they are male, they see themselves as male.  But they go to galas, parties, events, clubs, support and social group meetings in female mode.  And whether they are at a public hotel or restaurant or at a rest stop, they may have the need to use the bathroom facilities.  They would face the same dangers as a diagnosed transsexual if they were to use the men’s bathroom.  The legislation needs to be crafted so that they are also protected.  Here again, they are in far greater danger in a men’s bathroom than the other women in the women’s bathroom are from the presence of that transgender woman.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. – Matthew 5:9

God bless,

Lois